Archive | August, 2012

Mexicans Have It Harder

29 Aug

Yes my life is hard sometimes.

But you know what? Some people have it worse.

And some have it BETTER! (I hate you whoever you are! lol just kidding)

Honestly though…I see first hand, just how bad other peoples lives are. I work for an immigration law firm, and everyday I see cases where parents come in looking for help because theyre son just got arrested, is about to be deported to mexico and they cant afford to pay bail. They look so grief stricken, its sad. Who would want to be in their shoes? OR the mom who got detained for talking on her cellphone while driving and is now in custody and about to be put on a plane back to mexico and her kids will more than likely be put in a foster home because she was the only parent. What about the guy who gets stopped by a cop for having a “crack” on his headlight, so he stops and checks for an ID purposely knowing he wont have one.

MEXICANS. Some people might say they have no business being here, but then they are people too, just looking for a better life. I mean honestly…who would want to live in mexico right now? with all its drug-cartel violence and poverty–what kind of life is that for a family? And I understand some people dont like mexicans but even though they may not be the most educated, and some may not be the cleanest, They still are some of the most hard working people Ive ever seen and most of them just want to follow the law and live a decent life.

If anything, there is poor, uneducated people in every race which is what some people fail to admit to.

Just imagine…being THEM. being born in a horrible country with no hope for a better future. risking it all, even your life, just at a chance to be somewhat happy. knowing alot of people die trying to cross the border. Then by luck, you make it. You work in the only job available to you: The fields. You wake up before the sun comes up. You put on your long sleeved shirt, pants, boots and a good brim hat with bandanna to cover your face and neck from the sun.  NOW. tell me which one of you wants to go out in the BLAZING SUN in that outfit?? And which one of you wants to pick fruits or vegetables all day long in the hot sun? Not very many Im sure, because there arent many other people working in the fields…except. guess who? Mexicans. They take what you give them, They work hard, and they STILL try to smile about it. They dont have a fancy office with a shiny desk and AC blowing at their faces keeping them cool. They dont drive a Mercedes Benz. But they have carne asadas and poker matches, dancing, and family togetherness. They find a way to be happy about their life. Even when they know that at any moment they can be deported back to the hell hole where they came from. At any moment they can be stopped for any reason…simply for looking ‘mexican’. They dont have a chance at their dreams like everyone else. Their life is centered on those fields, working hard, and growing a family. Others work as maids their whole lives, taking care of other children just to feed their own. How would you feel if you had no other choice in life? and yet…they find reason to smile on those sunny afternoons when they grill meat, onions, and tortillas. They laugh and tell jokes despite the bad fortune of their life.

I remember the guy who called me saying he was wrongly being accused by the government for back-paying child support. “But i dont owe child support!” he cried out. “I dont even have children! I was using someones else social security and THAT guy owes child support! but now my wife thinks Im cheating on her and our relationship has really suffered! Even in the sex department!” The last part was a little TMI lol…but I felt bad for him. Imagine needing to make money so bad that you do anything possible to survive, so you get someone elses social security just to get a job. It may not be right thing but at least its not like the people who steal your identity and rack up credit card bills in your name. No. These people just want to WORK. they just want a job to survive. Theyre unfortunate circumstances though…only lead to more unfortunate circumstances. and all because they were unfortunate enough to be born in an unfortunate country that offered little hope for the future. Now theyre future is brightened because even though they will lead a life of very hard work and little pay, at least they know they will be able to feed their families. They will be able to buy a used pick up truck for the first time in their lives. They’ll be able to buy a little house. Things they never dreamed of.

Im reminded each day at work…that some people do have it worse than me. Yet they smile. theres a mexican saying that says, “Al mal tiempo buena cara” which means, “a good face for a bad time.” Thats their life motto. Even when times are bad they smile.

I think about my situation and I realize that while I have my problems and my hurts, at least I have it alot easier than most mexicans. Sometimes I feel them staring at me as they sit in the waiting area. They look at me, probably thinking how easy my life must be, just typing away at my desk while they just came in from the hot fields. They dont have to say it. I know it goes through their mind though. Sometimes I forget that while my world seems to be falling apart…someone elses is completely worse.

I dont know what will happen with me and my fiance. Im not sure what I will decide as of the moment, but I know I have my brother to support me and my baby financially if I need it. My fiance will fly in to be at my ultrasound in two weeks to find out the gender of the baby, so it seems he does want to be a part of my pregnancy. He confuses me, but then again I think he confuses himself. I think sometimes he feels ready to be a dad and at other times it scares the bejesus out of him.

For now I will smile and sing happy country songs and enjoy life’s little joys–like the sausage, egg and cheeze mcgridles at McDonald’s–and the thought of holding my precious newborn in my arms in a few months.

The Phone Call I’ll Never Forget…

28 Aug

Something changed.

I dont know what it was, but something out of my control triggered a sudden change in my fiance. We had been happy and blissful for a while, and everything seemed peachy.

Then this morning…When talking about the cute house I thought we should rent together he said, “Yeah its great, I really like it. Its away from the city and its a good deal too.”

I smiled as I drove. “It’ll probably go off the market soon,” I said, then shrugged. “Oh, well. Something else will come up.”

“Ive been meaning to talk to you about this whole ‘living arrangement’…” He started off with, squinting his eyes as the early sun shone right at us.

I stayed quiet as I made a turn past a gas station. I braced myself. I knew this couldnt be good…

He said he didnt want to live together or even think about getting married until he found out if the baby was really HIS. He said I would have to figure something out until then. Which means…I have to go through this pregnancy alone, and have the baby without him being there. Then he said he might rent me a place to stay for the last few months of my pregnancy (since the place Im at now doesnt allow babies or families) but we would definitely not live together.

I think It was the tone he used the hurt my feelings. He seemed mad as he talked, as if assuming that it really wasnt his baby. Ive never slept with another man in my life, so It really hurts that he wouldnt beleive me. Still, I understand if he just wants to make sure and get a DNA test…but to talk to me in such a manner as if already assuming its not his? as if I were just some street whore who was trying to play him? It just hurts… 

I guess what also really hurts is thinking about the day when he finds out that this is his baby…because that day will come. but the damage is already done. I feel like Ill resent him for not believing me and treating me so coldly.

Then he brought up the phone call again…

two months ago, my phone was stolen. when my fiance tried calling me, a guy answered and told my fiance that he was my boyfriend and that the baby I was having was his. He even put his “sister” on the phone who claimed we were together and told my fiance, “You better leave ‘er alone. she dont want you! Shes my brothers girl and shes having his baby. It aint yours!” Of course my fiance beleived them, and we’ve had problems ever since.

It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. When my fiance broke up with me, telling me everything they had told him, I started shaking, and felt like I was living a nightmare. It was bad enough they stole my phone! but to mess up my life too?! what did i do to them?? I didnt know these people but I was so angry I wanted to track them down and send someone to slowly kill them. my blood boiled just thinking of them. But I dont believe in vengeance. The bible says to leave vengeance up to God.

Still…the effects of that phone call have lasted. and lasted. and its a nightmare that doesnt seem to go away.

My fiance seems to get over it, but then just like a volcano, he’ll erupt again without notice.

He used to ask me how they knew so much about me, how they even knew I was pregnant. I told him they mustve read  all my text messages where we talked about getting a DNA test to make sure the baby was his, and my phone was full of my personal information. There was nothing else I could say. I didnt know how else to convince him. He had a hard time believing me and because of it, treated me coldly for a while. Its caused me alot of heartache and tears.

As I drove, I thought about those people who stole my phone. I pondered with hurt in my heart, Why they would hurt an innocent person. If they knew the damage they were going to cause…would they have done it? If they could see the pain I went through because of their little joke…would they regret it? If they knew my baby will probably feel my sadness throughout my pregnancy because of them, would they have thought twice? I think about those people alot. I dont hate them…but I wonder about them.

I think about them the way a parent thinks about the drunk driver who killed their teenager.

Somehow you just cant stop wondering about the person who impacted your life in a severely negative way. Especially when you did absolutely nothing to them.

I feel bad about bringing a baby into a world that is so full of injustice. A world where early on you learn what pain is. without much warning you go from being a sweet innocent baby to lifes reality that not everyone will love you and youre not always safe.

Its hard as a mother-to-be to accept that reality of life for my baby. I want to think that Ill keep her from hurting. but i know i cant and that hurts me. I think about my life and all the pain Ive been through…I didnt know I would go through so much pain when I blew bubbles from a wand and ran around the yard at a tender age of five. I look back at my five year old self and I feel pity. That poor little thing…so innocent.

Part of my resentment towards my fiance is also the humiliation I feel now when I face my family.  Wheres your fiance? Theyll ask. “Oh, he doesnt want to be a part of my life until he finds out the baby is really his,” Ill say. hmmmm, theyll wonder…is our daughter a little slut?? did she sleep around like a little whore?? shame shame shame.” Theyll surely shake their heads in disapproval. Ill bow my head down in shame, because Im not the girl who is married and pregnant. No…Im the girl who is pregnant and alone. In my family that is not admirable.

Last night I was bursting with so much happiness i almost couldnt sleep. I imagined cradling my baby, my fiance standing over us beaming with joy, living up in the hills in that cute country house, making him a good hearty breakfast, and enjoying the mountain views together. I imagined smiles, laughter, games and joy. first moments, family and love.

Now…its just a gray shattered-down thought, like a home destroyed by thiefs. Its not even a home anymore. Nothing is there but far away laughs echoing in the air softly, like a faint memory…a memory that will never exist.

Gaga for baby furniture

26 Aug

I want this crib if its a girl…It just looks so feminine and sweet 😉

and THIS one if its a boy. God its such a beautiful crib…hmmm, Im thinking I should get this one even if its a girl haha. I love it so much. You know what….Yes, I will go with this one. Its cheaper than the White crib too!

*sigh. I never knew I could love a crib so much…(In case youre wondering you can get it for $369 at Babies R us)

Im already imagining laying my newborn down, and peeking over to make sure she/he is fine and staring at that angel face for minutes. I cant wait!!! 🙂 But still its too early to buy the crib now. Ohmygod but what if it gets sold out or is no longer made in a few months?! Who knew something like that would torment me one day? Next thing you know Ill be fighting moms at the store for the better sippy cup. Jesus….

Homeless people used to be babies too..

25 Aug

The other day I was driving back to the office after lunch, and as I waited at a stop light I saw a homeless woman walk down the cross street. She seemed to be talking to herself and walked with a twitch in her arm. She looked crazy, dirty and poor and I just thought, “A long time ago she was someones baby…”

I thought about it. When you’re pregnant the last thing you want to imagine is that your baby will go grow up and be homeless, walking the streets looking like he/she is crazy. Where did those parents go wrong? I wondered.

It made me sad to think that maybe these homeless people have had horrible parents. It just makes me want to be an even better parent for my child. I know there will be tough times, but I hope that for the most part Ill be the mom most kids wish they had. Maybe I wont be the “cool” mom, but Ill be the loving mom who makes them feel that they belong, and that they are the most special thing in my life. and well everyone loves to feel special don’t they they?? 😉

news update: I finnally told my family Im pregnant. and they were happy for me!! I didnt expect it but it seems i actually do have support from my family! *sigh lol…I was so worried for nothing!

Also my fiance came back a few days ago. I was sooooooo excited to see him again. I love him so much. We talk about the baby alot. We refer to it as a “she” haha…but we’ll know for sure in two weeks. Im going to get a 2D ultrasound done and find out the gender. I told my fiance I would love for him to be there with me and he said he will try his best to be there. he said he had a dream he was at an ultrasound appointment with me the other day lol…aww. I really hope he makes it.

We should be going out for tacos tonight. Lol if it were up to me we’d go to a nice little italian place down town with outdoor dining and pretty little lights around us (ahhh im so romantic haha) but no. He loves this mexican taco joint i introduced him to and now everytime were together hes like,”Man I want some Tah-cos!”  lol…*sigh I love him so much.

OMG!!! My baby is ALIVE!!

22 Aug

I was starting to wonder! But wonder no more! I went to my ultrasound appt today and OH.MY.GOODNESS. This marks a very special day for me. Remember the first ultrasound picture I put up on here? WELL…its GROWN. 

I mean Duh right? but to me its just marvelous what i saw on the screen today.

As i looked up at the screen for the first sightings of my baby since last month, I saw a cute round head, with a full little body that had little arms, hands and fingers, legs and tiny feet. I mean HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???–I would like to know!

The most precious moments were when I saw it move its little legs in the most gracious way. IT MOVES! I thought. I SAW IT! I saw it move!! my mind alerted me, as if I was catching someone in a crime and I was the special witness. Then I saw it twist its little body around and I could see its backside. “Oh, it has such a cute butt” the ultrasound tech said, “Look at that cute butt.” I smiled, knowing its probably going to have a nice butt indeed thanks to my fiances side of the family.

Then I saw it playing with its tiny hands, almost as if praying. it was the most “AW!!” moment. I teared up and wanted to laugh out of joy. I also saw it suck its little thumb which was just AH-dorable. Everything kept making me want to gush, cry or laugh but then again i am really hormonal I guess. But my baby is just so freakin CUTE!! Oh my god! even the ultrasound techs were gushing, and having fun seeing what it was doing.

*Sigh. I am just in heaven right now. I am so so so happy. On my way home from work I listened to the oldie on the radio, “You cant hurry love… no, you just have to wait… but it aint easy.” and I thought about my baby. Indeed I cant hurry this little love but I am so anxious for when it comes!

 

 

 

I think its a girl 🙂

3 months pregnant!!!

19 Aug

So i am now 3 months pregnant, But its just so weird to me still. I seriously dont beleive it! A baby is inside my stomach?? Im as startled as a 5 year old! Sometimes I lay in bed with my hand over my lower abdomen, and I wonder who is the little person inside of me. is it a boy or a girl? What will it be like? Whats its personality going to be like? Will it have nice teeth like its daddy? Will it be darker like its daddy or really light like me? Will it be healthy and strong? I guess these are normal questions most pregnant women wonder about I suppose.

Heres a couple of things Ive been doing recently:

I started using DIAL bar soap to wash my face with to get rid of pregnancy acne and its working! I read about it online from other pregnant women. I was starting to really get upset with my face but thank god this stuff really works.

Ive also starting drinking alkaline water that i get from my health food store. I feel better knowing Im drinking good water for me and the baby.

I think I might buy one of those anti-radiation stickers for my cellphone.

Im also going to buy some more herb capsules from my vitamin and herb specialist. Theyre called “herbal trace minerals” from natures sunshine. It has kelp in it and also regulates the glands, which is vital for a good pregnancy since from what ive read, a hormone balanced pregnancy is an easy happy pregnancy. I want to ensure my hormones are balanced.

When Im 5 weeks away from giving birth I will buy the “5-W” from natures sunshine. These herbal capsules help with an easy and fast labor. God knows I do not want to be in labor for 48 hours with horrible pain! So this gives me peace of mind. By the way everything I know, I read about it online or in a book lol…otherwise I really would be tottally lost!

It seems im the only one in my facebook group of pregnant women who isnt nauseous, sick, throwing up or super tired. I feel GREAT!–Which I credit to the herbs and vitamins I take and all the other healthy things I do. but i keep that to myself. I dont think they like me very much as it is, after the picture incident :/ My neighbor says theyre jealous of me and to not post any pictures of myself on there. I really cant beleive girls could be that catty. Geez Louise. I fail to beleive my neighbor but in all honesty i really do love WordPress so much more.

I also bought coconut oil to do “mouth pulling.” (Its to increase your overall health) Basically what youre supposed to do is swish it around in your mouth for 20 minutes every day. I have it sitting on my dresser lol but ive been lazy. Im gonna start doing it though.

Im also thinking of buying a supplement of RAW probiotics from “garden of life” but I have to check that its ok for pregnant women first. Its great stuff though!

I also ordered two books off AMAZON and I bought two at my health food store. the two from Amazon are “what to expect when your expecting *4th edition” and “Dr greenes perfect hormone balance for pregnancy”. from my health food store i bought “what to expect the first year” and “the child bearing year” (its a book for midwifes with all the herbs for fertility boosters, herbs for avoiding a miscarriage, pregnancy and labor easing.)

I figure since Im all alone in this, I better READ UP lol! ;P

I still havent told anyone in my family. their jaws are gonna DROP im telling you….I told myself I would wait till im 5 months before telling my mom. Lets see if I can wait that long.

Its funny because Im 26 years old but everyone says I look 18, and honestly I do feel 18! I feel scared and alone and I wish I had a family who could help me. I know when it comes to work Im proffesional and mature, but inside theres that little girl who wants to know itll all be ok. Its just so hard not being able to rely on your family and having no friends.

I cant ever go back home…My dad is a very abusive person. Thats why i had to move out. since I dont talk to him (because everytime i did he just put me down and made me feel worthless) He doesnt want my little brother (who i adore) or my mom talking to me, much less hanging out with me. If they call me, it has to be without him knowing, and seeing me is off limits. My mom wont even attempt it because she says he finds everything out. And if he found out she saw me behind his back, shed be in deep trouble.

So anyway that makes it hard (or impossible) to ever be able to count on my family’s support in time of need. I wish I had a normal family sometimes. I want to make sure my baby is loved and knows that the doors to my house will always be open. I mean what is family for right? family means love. unfortunately that wasnt my experience growing up. But things can always be diffrent for my little one.

I talked to my fiance last night. His music career is really taking off. I cant say much anymore because its confidential, but hes going to be really busy for a while. I was looking forward to spending a whole week with him when he comes back to California, but now he says he’ll only be here one night perhaps. I started sobbing, and cried out “Just ONE night??” I couldnt help it. I miss him, and I was looking forward to getting dressed up and going on a few dates together. He told me I had to be strong. He said hes “doing this for me and the baby, for our future”. I sniffled and tried to cheer up. “I will baby. Its just hard, but ill be strong. Im sorry for crying,” I said. “Its okay to cry,” he said soothingly, “It just shows how much you love me.”

I love how tender he is with me. I know he’ll be a good daddy. I cant wait till were in the hospital and hes holding my hand, minutes away from seeing our child be born into the world. It will be the most exciting day ever.

I told my boss I’m pregnant…and he didnt fire me!

18 Aug

So….I finnally did it.

God was it hard. I felt like my heart was going to explode and jump out of me, running for its dear life. I kept thinking of postponing it but being the brave girl I am, I got up and walked over to my boss and his wife (who is my manager) and asked if i could speak with them before they left for the day. My boss calmly said “sure” as he looked up from his cell phone. It was the end of the day and he was relaxed in a chair, with one leg over the other, looking at his text messages.

It was the perfect time and he seemed to be in a good mood unlike the day before when all chaos broke in the office and we were all stressed beyond relief. phone lines were ringing, clients kept coming in, and the demand was almost more than what we could supply. I guess thats what happens when a new law passes and everyone is eager to get a slice of the pie.

But today was more normal again. THANK GOD.

Still, i had made up my mind that i would quit. I mean it just wasnt fair to my boss to train me and take my newbie mistakes for a few months only so he would have to train someone else all over again. He and his wife were so good to me, and I just felt like I couldnt do that to them. I would quit voluntarily. I couldn’t help feeling sad though, because for the first time in my life, I finnally found a job i liked, and everyone i work with is great—I mean, that is really rare! especially in my expereince of the past 27 jobs I’ve had! Beleive me i know horrible bosses haha…and evil co-workers!

Once in his office, I looked at my boss and then my manager and said, “I wanted to wait until you were both here, so i could tell you both together.” (my manager had gone to Korea for the past few weeks)

Then I said it.

“Im pregnant.”

I looked down, and swallowed hard, preparing my next line, but felt something stuck in my throat.

“Thats GREAT! Congratulations!” My boss exclaimed before i could say anything else.

I looked up confused, then I shook my head and looked down again, fighting back tears. “No….Its not so great for me,” I said in complete anguish.

“why not?” He asked.

“Because…Im pregnant!” I cried, “and you gave me such a great opportunity here and now i cant take advantage of it, because ill be having a baby soon. And I just dont think its fair to you.”

“So?? You’ll work here a little longer until youre ready to leave-you just wont get maternity leave because you havent worked here long enough, but you’ll have the baby-meanwhile we’ll hire someone to replace you until you come back. Im sure you plan on working some time after the baby is born right? so when youre ready you can come back and have youre job waiting here.”

I looked up with teary eyes. “really??”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Were not gonna fire you because youre pregnant!” He smiled at me and then added, “This is expected when we hire people. I mean people have babies! and were all a family here, so we want you to have a healthy pregnancy, ten toes and ten fingers.” He then asked if I had insurance, If I knew the gender and congratulated me again at the end. His wife sitting next to me just nodded and smiled.

“Thank you so much. I didnt expect youd be so understanding. I really appreaciate it,” I said. As i walked out of their office I felt such a relief! WOW. well that went better than the nightmare I had seen in my head.

After work I bought my first set of maternity clothes–my very first maternity skinny jeans. wow I never thought Id ever wear those. But I will promise you one thing: I will make this pregnancy look as fashionable as possible. I

My now fiance is still in New York. I miss him so much. He was debating which record label to sign for, and had a meeting with both yesterday. He said the meeting was succesful but I havent asked him who he signed with yet. His life has been a whirlwind since he got to NY. Hes either in meetings, recording songs or training with Michael Jacksons vocal coach. He told me he would call me tonight though, after his vocal lessons. I cant wait to hear all about his crazy life over there. Hes completely stoked. Its surreal for both of us. Honestly I dont know if I would go back to work after having my baby. I mean my life is so crazy I dont know whats going to happen.

My fiance might be the next super star and Ill live in a mansion… or he might decide to come home and work in the oil fields and we’ll just have an average american life. The coin can toss either way, so for now, Im keeping my job and learning as much as I can because for all I know, I could be going back to work after the baby is born.

At least now I can I flaunt my baby bump at work and not stress over it anymore! PHEW!

 

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