The Phone Call I’ll Never Forget…

28 Aug

Something changed.

I dont know what it was, but something out of my control triggered a sudden change in my fiance. We had been happy and blissful for a while, and everything seemed peachy.

Then this morning…When talking about the cute house I thought we should rent together he said, “Yeah its great, I really like it. Its away from the city and its a good deal too.”

I smiled as I drove. “It’ll probably go off the market soon,” I said, then shrugged. “Oh, well. Something else will come up.”

“Ive been meaning to talk to you about this whole ‘living arrangement’…” He started off with, squinting his eyes as the early sun shone right at us.

I stayed quiet as I made a turn past a gas station. I braced myself. I knew this couldnt be good…

He said he didnt want to live together or even think about getting married until he found out if the baby was really HIS. He said I would have to figure something out until then. Which means…I have to go through this pregnancy alone, and have the baby without him being there. Then he said he might rent me a place to stay for the last few months of my pregnancy (since the place Im at now doesnt allow babies or families) but we would definitely not live together.

I think It was the tone he used the hurt my feelings. He seemed mad as he talked, as if assuming that it really wasnt his baby. Ive never slept with another man in my life, so It really hurts that he wouldnt beleive me. Still, I understand if he just wants to make sure and get a DNA test…but to talk to me in such a manner as if already assuming its not his? as if I were just some street whore who was trying to play him? It just hurts… 

I guess what also really hurts is thinking about the day when he finds out that this is his baby…because that day will come. but the damage is already done. I feel like Ill resent him for not believing me and treating me so coldly.

Then he brought up the phone call again…

two months ago, my phone was stolen. when my fiance tried calling me, a guy answered and told my fiance that he was my boyfriend and that the baby I was having was his. He even put his “sister” on the phone who claimed we were together and told my fiance, “You better leave ‘er alone. she dont want you! Shes my brothers girl and shes having his baby. It aint yours!” Of course my fiance beleived them, and we’ve had problems ever since.

It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. When my fiance broke up with me, telling me everything they had told him, I started shaking, and felt like I was living a nightmare. It was bad enough they stole my phone! but to mess up my life too?! what did i do to them?? I didnt know these people but I was so angry I wanted to track them down and send someone to slowly kill them. my blood boiled just thinking of them. But I dont believe in vengeance. The bible says to leave vengeance up to God.

Still…the effects of that phone call have lasted. and lasted. and its a nightmare that doesnt seem to go away.

My fiance seems to get over it, but then just like a volcano, he’ll erupt again without notice.

He used to ask me how they knew so much about me, how they even knew I was pregnant. I told him they mustve read  all my text messages where we talked about getting a DNA test to make sure the baby was his, and my phone was full of my personal information. There was nothing else I could say. I didnt know how else to convince him. He had a hard time believing me and because of it, treated me coldly for a while. Its caused me alot of heartache and tears.

As I drove, I thought about those people who stole my phone. I pondered with hurt in my heart, Why they would hurt an innocent person. If they knew the damage they were going to cause…would they have done it? If they could see the pain I went through because of their little joke…would they regret it? If they knew my baby will probably feel my sadness throughout my pregnancy because of them, would they have thought twice? I think about those people alot. I dont hate them…but I wonder about them.

I think about them the way a parent thinks about the drunk driver who killed their teenager.

Somehow you just cant stop wondering about the person who impacted your life in a severely negative way. Especially when you did absolutely nothing to them.

I feel bad about bringing a baby into a world that is so full of injustice. A world where early on you learn what pain is. without much warning you go from being a sweet innocent baby to lifes reality that not everyone will love you and youre not always safe.

Its hard as a mother-to-be to accept that reality of life for my baby. I want to think that Ill keep her from hurting. but i know i cant and that hurts me. I think about my life and all the pain Ive been through…I didnt know I would go through so much pain when I blew bubbles from a wand and ran around the yard at a tender age of five. I look back at my five year old self and I feel pity. That poor little thing…so innocent.

Part of my resentment towards my fiance is also the humiliation I feel now when I face my family.  Wheres your fiance? Theyll ask. “Oh, he doesnt want to be a part of my life until he finds out the baby is really his,” Ill say. hmmmm, theyll wonder…is our daughter a little slut?? did she sleep around like a little whore?? shame shame shame.” Theyll surely shake their heads in disapproval. Ill bow my head down in shame, because Im not the girl who is married and pregnant. No…Im the girl who is pregnant and alone. In my family that is not admirable.

Last night I was bursting with so much happiness i almost couldnt sleep. I imagined cradling my baby, my fiance standing over us beaming with joy, living up in the hills in that cute country house, making him a good hearty breakfast, and enjoying the mountain views together. I imagined smiles, laughter, games and joy. first moments, family and love.

Now…its just a gray shattered-down thought, like a home destroyed by thiefs. Its not even a home anymore. Nothing is there but far away laughs echoing in the air softly, like a faint memory…a memory that will never exist.

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6 Responses to “The Phone Call I’ll Never Forget…”

  1. nycolelaff August 28, 2012 at 8:11 am #

    How horrible! *hugs*

    Speaking from experience, I worry that he will hold this over your head for years to come, even when it’s totally false. The paternity test will tell him that the baby is his, but it won’t change his thinking that you could be/are unfaithful to him. My ex-hubby held something similar over my head from when i was 18, until I left him at 33. Insecure men will ALWAYS find something to insecure about, sadly, and it will always be your fault. Even when it isn’t. I also wonder if his suspicion comes from his own behavior when he’s on the road. Does he think that you’re screwing around because that’s what he is doing?

    I know that he is the father of your baby, but please give some deep thought as to whether you really want to spend the rest of your lives together being accused of crimes that you haven’t (and wouldn’t!) committed. It’s a horrible way to live, and I did it for way too long.

    Hang in their momma. Try to think of happy things for your baby :\

    • thinkingpink123 August 29, 2012 at 1:31 am #

      I will definitely think about what you said. thank you =)

  2. koo87 August 28, 2012 at 2:53 pm #

    That was hard to read so it must be hell for you living it. Its such a shame he will miss out on bonding with the baby throughout your pregnancy, may be that will make him change his mind. I can’t imagine going through pregnancy on my own its an emotional time as it is. Hope you can work it out.

    • thinkingpink123 August 29, 2012 at 1:34 am #

      I told him i made a gender reveal ultrasound appt. and asked if he wanted to come. he said yes. So *sigh…I dont know, I guess maybe he will be part of some of my pregnancy. Id rather him be there than not.

  3. thefirsttimemom August 28, 2012 at 10:50 pm #

    He may have cheated on you. If it comes and goes with him acting like that, there could be a chance that the reason he is blowing up at you is because he cheated himself. He may want to take the focus off of him. Then again, he could just be that person who can’t let anyone in or believe the truth because they want people to feel sorry for them. If someone stole your phone and you filed and police report about it, he should believe you. I’ve been wondering if all the crap we have to endure being pregnant now is to set the children up to deal with the pain and stress as they grow up? Maybe it’s a mechanism–being over emotional and getting so much flack from people. It’s sad that your family won’t approve of you if you have to have that baby alone. 😦 This is just so sad. I hope you overcome and find all the support and love you and your little one needs–even if it means slapping it into your fiance and family member’s faces. :-/ *hugs*

    • thinkingpink123 August 29, 2012 at 1:47 am #

      I dont think hes cheated. we talk about faithfulness alot and he feels really strongly about being faithful and sometimes he tells me I wouldnt be as faithful as he is. BUT I think Its his commitment phobia creeping up on him. He admitted that he had that problem and told me sometimes he made up excuses to get rid of a girl but the real issue was commitment. SO i think he gets scared of everything coming down on him…its not even like he has much choice anymore. Im pregnant! So i think having to commit really scares him sometimes. and youre right about the phone. I mean he even heard me while I was on the phone with T-mobile reporting my stolen phone because i had to borrow his phone to make the call! and He even called those people back and told them to give me my phone back and they started laughing at him and said,”dang you must really need a phone! hahaha.” They told him they weren’t giving it back and threatened him. So he said thats when he knew they were lying about everything else. Still he’ll forget that at times and just focus on the lies they said. so sometimes I think its really just a commitment issue but i hate that he could use this situation againts me. and actually I would have financial support from my family but as far as admiration or pride in me? no. and well it feels nice when your family is proud of u. thanx for the support tho =) it really means alot.

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