Archive | September, 2012

The One Thing I Never Had

25 Sep

Did you ever want something really bad as a kid? I MEAN REALLY BAD. and you never got it…so then maybe you grew up and said to yourself, “Ill make sure my kid has what I didn’t.”

Life is different as a kid…for some reason, that popsicle or that toy is everything dreams are made of. You cant imagine a bigger happiness. Fireworks exploded in your eyes as a kid when you knew you were getting something you really wanted. For some reason as adults its harder to be that ecstatically happy even when we get what we want. Sure, we’re happy, but I bet you looked happier when your mom said she would get you the cereal box that came with the toy inside.

 

Its nice to see a child’s face so full of happiness with the simplest of things.

Well except now’a’days I’m sure they’re asking for things like Iphones, Ipads, Xbox 360, Nintendo DS, ect. Kids have gotten expensive…oh boy. I have no choice but to raise my kid in the boonies!! 

I mean seriously…otherwise she’ll never know what a real childhood is about. Its about adventure, freedom, somersaults, and fireflies. camping, climbing, playing, and underwater flips in the pool. The toy section in a big store, hopscotch and jumping rope. Sharing secrets with your best friend, rollerblading, bike riding, and going to sleep at night hopelessly happy after a warm bubble bath and a good bedtime story.

Sometimes though…theres still that ONE thing that you always wanted and never got.

For me, it was a dollhouse. God, how I wouldve died for a dollhouse. It wouldve been like hitting the jackpot for me as a kid. I wanted one sooooooo bad, but never dared to say a word.

We were middle class growing up. We lived in a cookie-cutter house in a nice quiet neighborhood, with more than  enough food in our fridge, and wore clothes from K-mart and Sears. My mom regularly bought me toys and dolls. I treasured each new doll I got. It seemed to make my mom happy to see how well I took care of my toys unlike my brothers who loved to break every new toy in a WWF wrestling match, or unscrew every thing apart just “to see what was inside.”

Still, I wasnt a spoiled brat. I couldnt get every toy or doll I wanted, unlike my “rich” best-friend. Her dad owned horses and they had a big pool in their backyard. Anytime a new barbie was out on commercials…Stacy already had it. I was glad she was my best friend though. She wasn’t stuck up, or mean. She was a nice girl with blonde hair and the slightest streak of freckles playing across the bridge of her nose. We would play “pony’s” and catch  butterfly’s together during recess. She always shared her snack bar money with me too (snack bar was open right before we got to go back to our classroom to watch a Disney movie on Friday’s.)

One of my fondest childhood memories is my dad surprising me with a new doll every so often when he would come home from work. I would light up with happiness unlike any other. He knew I loved dolls. When I was 10 he took me to Toys’R’Us because I had gotten good grades on my report card. He said I could pick out whatever I wanted. well…

I wanted a “boyfriend” for my barbie. 

He looked like he’d just realized his little girl wanted to date. He said NO. His face was a mixture of confusement and disgust. I looked at the handsome Ken Doll in the shiny box above me and pouted.

“Im sorry Barbie…I know youre lonely, but youll have a boyfriend soon, I promise,” I said to my barbie when I got home that night. I ran my hands down her long brown hair soothingly. I got the supermarket for barbie with a shopping cart and all the little canned food, as well as some new outfits for my barbies that day. My dad was surprised that was all I wanted. Really though, I wanted 5 Ken dolls for my barbies. But I knew there was no possibility in that happening. I would have to wait until my mom took me shopping. She would say yes, I was sure. After all, she knew the importance of having a man around!

Well I got the Ken dolls later.

However, I couldn’t bring myself to ask for was the dollhouse. In my mind it was too expensive to even think about asking for. I was a kid, and it just seemed outrageous to ask my parents for something above $100.  The thing is…my parents actually could’ve afforded it. When I grew up and told my mom about it, she just frowned and said, “I wish you would’ve told me how bad you wanted one as a kid. I would’ve bought you one.” GREAT. There’s something I wish I could go back in time and tell my dumb ten year old self.

Instead, I only dreamed. I would secretly go through my neighbors hallway closet and pull out her moms sewing book because in the front pages there was a big picture of a beautiful dollhouse and all its rooms majestically adorned. I would stare at that picture for as long as I could before I heard someone coming. For some reason I couldnt let anyone know how badly I wanted a dollhouse. It was my secret.

One summer, when I was around 10, my dad took me and my family into the Home Depot for a home purchase he needed to make. I walked around calmly without a care when suddenly, there they were before my eyes… the most beautiful Dollhouses sitting in a perfect row on display. My mouth slowly gaped in amazement as I walked up to them. There seemed to be glitter and stars floating around those dollhouses. It was such a magical moment for me.  They were no longer in a picture book or in my neighbors sewing book. They were real and I could put my hand up and touch them. Some had house lights that worked and some had porches. They were…perfect.

Then I looked down at the prices. They were all over $100. My heart dropped. No way would I ever get one of those, I thought. I heard my parents calling me and I quickly left the dollhouses to go catch up to them.

Two years passed by. I was 12, and almost a teenager, but I was as innocent as a lamb and I still played with my barbies. So did my friends. Times were different back then. One day we were helping the librarian in our school clean out her library. She was getting rid of a lot of toys she had on display and my friends were scoring a lot of cool things. I looked around for something to ask her for since she was being so generous. I saw a Dollhouse book on display on a top shelf. It was a really tall book that unfolded into a doll house. It looked almost new and I didn’t really think she wanted to get rid of it, but I took my chances anyway and asked her for it. She looked down at it, and thought about it for a moment, her oval glasses hanging at the tip of her nose. I bit my lower lip and looked up at her with my pleading brown eyes. I wanted it more than anything in the world and I think she saw that. There was a pause. Then she tilted her head to one side and said, “OK, you can have it. But take care of it.” I smiled so big and held on to that dollhouse book so tight. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. For a whole year after, I spent countless hours playing with it. I would carefully open it all around, tie the strings together to hold it open, and let my imagination take over as I took my dolls inside the different rooms. It wasn’t a wooden Dollhouse, but it was the only Dollhouse I had, and even if it was a few years too late, it made me happy in my last year of childhood.

I think back on how badly I had wanted a Dollhouse and I pray my little girl will be as girly as I was. I will surprise her with the most beautifulest Dollhouse shes ever seen. I will handcraft it myself and adorn every room with as much detail as a real house. It might take me a few years, but I want it to be perfect for her. Im so happy Im having a girl. If she ends up being a Tom-boy Ill just have to keep the dollhouse thing as a hobby and join her in her mud races and tree climbing. (But Im crossing my fingers she’ll be into dolls and tutus haha.)

Men check out pregnant chicks??!

22 Sep

So my fiance has been telling me that men still check out pregnant chicks. Sometimes hes a little jealous (in a cute way though.) He assumes guys are checking me out or trying to talk to me when hes not around. I usually laugh it off and tell him “*grunt* baby pleeeease. Aint nobody checking me out out with this pregnant belly! please. Youre funny.” and he’ll just half close his eyes, pucker his lips and say, “You’d be surprised…Theres alot of men out there who check out pregnant chicks.”

Uh-Huh. Yea right…FAT-CHANCE. Im lucky if I feel that i look ok sometimes, but I definately dont feel sexy or beautiful with this big stomach! “Baby the only way I think guys would still check me out is if i was wearing my tight jeans–which dont fit anymore!!–highheels and my hair down.” (those things usually made me feel sexy but I havent wore my hair down in a while and Id rather wear flats right now.) My fiance just nodded his head and rolled his eyes.  “I know girls in PAJAMAS who still get checked out because they have a pretty face.” I guess hes right, I thought. But I still didnt believe guys would check out a pregnant girl. 

This morning I went grocery shopping with my mom–did I tell you she has a great sense of humor? Oh we can laugh about anything… Mostly because were both pretty ditzy and we laugh at ourselfs. She’ll usually say, “That wouldve been good for a movie scene huh!?” LOL…. we do have our moments.

Anyway I was telling her about my fiances ‘crazy’ theory on guys checking out pregnant girls. “–I mean, mom, if i wasnt pregnant maybe It would be diffrent, but IM PREGNANT. He can rest easy hahaa! No ones gonna check me out!!” I nodded my head, and chuckled a little.

After grocery shopping with my mom, I ran a few errands on my on. Finnally at the end of the day I decided I needed to grab some dinner before heading home. I was so tired though and still felt pretty sick–my nose was stuffy and i felt like i wanted nothing more but to be in bed. Teleported if possible. I took a look in my rear view mirror before getting off my car and thought, UGH, I look hideous. Oh well. Being sick this morning made me not want to do much more than drag myself out of bed and throw a cap on to hide my bed-head. On top of that I was wearing my minnie mouse PJS and my green Ugg-style boots. “Yea I was sure making a fashion statement haha…” I noticed people staring at me at the grocery store but i figured it was because I looked so funky.

I dragged my feet into a restaurant that sells BBQ-everything. Once inside I looked through the one page menu on the front counter. A minute later an older man came up to the register, so I glanced up ready to give him my to-go order. “Ive never been here before–” I started, when he interrupted me. “Are you a Jersey boy?” He asked, catching me off guard. “Your hat says ‘Jersey boy'” He added with a flirtacious glint in his hazel eyes.

“Uh. no. Im definately a girl,” I replied.

“Or maybe you want a jersey boy…” He smiled.

“No thats ok…I got a Chicago boy so im good.”

He chatted with me a little more then went and brought me a plate of food to sample saying he liked having beautiful girls get hooked on his food so they could keep coming back. I smiled, flattered but confused. Did he say Beautiful girls reffering to me?? UH…nooooo. nope. uh-uh. no no. He wasnt talking about me. No way. not possible. 

I tried the samples on the plate and when he came back I was ready to order. As i opened my mouth to speak, he interupted me. “You have such beautiful eyes. I don’t know whats better…your long eye lashes or your eyebrows!” he said. I frowned. He must be crazy I thought.

No wait. LIGHTBULB! he doesnt know im pregnant because of the tall counter covering me! Im sure if he sees my big belly itll be a HUGE turn off, I thought.

and Just then he walked around the counter to the door and I made sure to rub my belly in front of him.

He walked right back to the counter and kept hitting on me.

WHAT?! @_@ how could this be?? I thought.

I placed my order and then looked around as i waited. The restaurant was empty except for me another older man waiting to order. A few minutes later the owner came back out to the front and looking at me he loudly exclaimed, “Isnt she beautiful?!” The older man waiting to order promptly replied, “Oh yes! She looks like a movie star! like she came out of a movie–She looks like J-lo!”

Ok. first there was ONE crazy man…now TWO??!

“OK…you guys are really sweet, but c’mon now.”

“No im not being sweet,” one of them said,”Im hardly ever sweet.”

Puzzled I just went up to the counter to get my food.

“I wonder what you look like when your all dressed up,” the owner said to me, “because right now you look good with just a cap on, but I wouldnt want to see you dressed up. Youd probably give me a heart attack!”

I nodded my head and sighed in confusion. Man…these men must need glasses or something.

“I know you must have a wife or something,” I said to the owner. He admitted he did.

“Well shes a fortunate woman,” I said trying to get him to say something nice about his wife.

“Well she’d be more fortunate if she had your eyes!” he smiled.

I wonder how married men can say things like that…I mean If I was his wife and I heard him say that I would slap his silly head.

Just as i was leaving the owner called out to me, “Whats your name?!”

After telling him my name, he smiled and said, “Alright well, please come back soon!”

Im not coming back again ever, I thought after leaving.

But I laughed as i remembered all the times I rolled my eyes when my fiance told me men still check out pregnant girls. SO maybe he was right…but im not gonna tell him haha.

Still though i find it bizarre. Why men check out pregnant women remains a mystery to me.

Two things I miss from before I was pregnant:

1. I miss having a flat stomach. God that made me feel sexy. Now i look down and see a huge boulder 😦 and it keeps growing!!! I mean how BIG will it get? It really scares me sometimes @_@

2. I miss lying down on my stomach. I cant do that anymore–Ill squish my poor baby! So I lie on my side which isnt as comfortable but hey! Im making a miracle here–some sacrifices have to be made =)

On another note, I start a new job on monday morning–Its a part time office job that my brother got for me today! Since its part time I know I wont be making much money but Im grateful for the job! Its something =) 

I know my fiance said he’ll take care of me, and my brother also tells me that if i need anything at all, all i have to do is ask. (My brother makes good money and tells me he feels good helping me out, but i cant help feeling so uncomfortable asking people for help!) Ive always liked feeling that I can pull my own weight. Of course I would love to stay home once the baby is born and that is what me and my fiance both want, but for now I feel good having a J-O-B.

I got home, made myself a cup of lemon and honey tea, and sipped it while watching “HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.” I love that movie. and currently I love my life.

I Got Fired From My Job

21 Sep

Yes. I was fired. My Boss sat there behind his big oak desk and said, “Im just gonna have to let you go!” With a cold empty look in his eyes.

Did i cry? Did i beg? Did i try to reason with him?

No of course not.

I shook my head agreeably as if we were having a normal conversation and calmly said, “I understand.” He probably assumed that inside i was thinking he was being unfair so he kept talking, explaining to me how my mistakes could have cost him his legal licence and whatnot. I just kept repeating myself more firmly, “-I understand.” I didn’t need his petty excuses. None of it made sense anyway.

So what got me fired? I cant say for sure, but a good part of me thinks its the fact that I’m pregnant.

I was called into my bosses office as soon as i arrived to work. He seemed very upset and demanded to know what happened with the client i had rescheduled. I mentioned that i rescheduled him because I could not get the information we needed for his criminal past. It was obvious that he didnt want to know the whys or hows, so I kept it short and simple. He then told me I had no right to reschedule anyone without his permission. I sat there confused because he knew I had done it a few days ago and waited until now to bring it up? I didnt say anything though. I knew that if I asked questions or tried to reason with him, it wouldnt get us anywhere. He was determined in letting me go and I could see it. There was no pity in his eyes. “After we had a month review and I told you what you needed to work on, and now you do this? Im just going to have to let you go!” He said matter-of-factly.

What was in the months review list?

1. always answer his calls–which he thought I ignored at one point, and became enraged, when really i had simply not heard his call coming in. with 3 lines ringing for me at the same time, trying to process a clients payment, and trying to hear myself over everyone elses loud voice was just pure mayhem that day.

2. tell someone I was leaving to lunch. apparently someone told our manager that I simply left without telling anyone I was going to lunch and as a result a client was left waiting for half and hour unattended. I was in disbelief because I’ve never left without telling someone I was going to lunch. I don’t know who lied to my manager…

The other two things were about improving my ability to multi-task and not keeping customers waiting on the line too long. I didn’t really know what they wanted from me. They would tell me the customers on the phone line didnt matter as much as the ones there for a consultation–I could call the other ones back later. Then they would tell me the opposite. I was misguided and uninformed. And It was almost impossible to take three diffrent calls, help two customers in person, process payments, translate for the boss, and write everything in the computer ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Sorry but thats not multi-tasking–thats called “YOURE CRAZY!”

At the end of that meeting, my boss had told me “he understood i was new and didn’t expect me to get it right away.” He smiled to reassure me, but I only thought about the times he had screamed at me. It didnt seem like he really understood. Still I was glad to hear the things I was doing right. He mentioned I was always on time, very friendly with customers and dressed very professionally.

After he fired me, I turned my keys in to my manager, got my things and left.

When I got home, I called my fiance’ (yes were back together.)

I cried and sobbed to him. “What am I gonna do now?? I have bills to pay and they come every month.” I felt so hopeless being pregnant. “Who’s going to hire me now? I’m showing! No ones going to hire me!” I cried. I sat on my bed like a six year old with tears streaming down my face.

My fiance’ comforted me and told me everything would be alright. “He would take care of me.” He was really supportive, listened to everything I had to say on the matter, and at the end when I said, “I dont know If I just have bad luck at work…or maybe Im just really dumb,” I sniffled. With a firm voice he responded, “NO. Youre not dumb. Dont say that. it has nothing to do with that.” He told me he had to catch a plane but he would be texting me throughout the day to check up on me.

And he did. I thought it was so sweet of him, to be checking on me, and offering me words of encouragement and hope.

After making him suffer last week, he came back ready to commit fully this time. He promised he would never bring up “the phone call” again (Ill choke him if he does.) He really thought he was losing me, and making him think that really made him appreciate me. Ever since then hes been way more affectionate towards me, in a way that hes never been before. Its as if Im his Goddess now and he worships me lol…When they ask you “what do you want? Ill give you anything you want!” You know youve got them pretty hooked.

We went out recently to his favorite taco place, and had a nice evening date. We held hands across the table and talked. Some where along the conversation he mentioned his “to-get list.” I frowned. “Whats a to-get list?” I asked.

“Oh, you know…things to get for the baby,” He said biting into a taco.

I smiled and stared at him. “I thought I was the only one who had made a list like that…” I said a little surprised.

“UH-UH.” He said shaking his head seriously.

I laughed a little. “Ok, so whats on your to-get list?” I asked out of curiosity.

He paused, his mind in obvious thinking-mode. “Well, first,” he said, “A good camera. Because were gonna need a good camera to take pictures of Layla.”

I smiled. He is so sweet.

“baby, but i have a camera…a good one,” I said.

“You do? what kind is it?” He asked.

“A Cannon. it takes really good pictures–I always get compliments on them.”

“Ok.” He said.

“What else is on your list?” I asked.

“Uhm…You know, like the crib and stuff, but also decorations for the nursery, like little lights and stars to hang up on the walls.” (hes a galaxy and planet lover–It may be a little on the nerdy side but I love the stars and galaxies too so we might be two nerds with one one little nerd on the way 🙂

It just melts my heart when I hear him talk like that. I mean HOW FRIKIN’ CUTE IS THAT?! A man that thinks about his unborn baby enough to not want to miss a moment so his first thought is of having a good camera, and he even thinks of the nursery decorations too?? I think its adorable. I dont know many other father-to-be’s that are that involved.

When we got back to his place he put his hand on my stomach for a long time, trying to feel the baby move, but I think she stops moving when she feels a hand on my stomach (Ive noticed that from when I do it too.) He even bent down and put his ear on my stomach. “Are you trying to hear my stomach digest??” I laughed. I love his enthusiasm though.

Unfortunately I had a runny nose, that turned into a cold, and I think I got my Fiance’ sick too. I felt sooooo bad especially because he really needs his voice. I texted him a couple of home remedies since he was already in NY the other day. poor thing. Well he texted back saying, “Hi beautiful! Thanks for the tips, I think Ill try them since I woke up feeling pretty bad today. I think I got sick because I travel so much though.”

WHaT?! hes not blaming me? I know I got him sick but it was really sweet of him to blame it on his traveling just to make me feel good. Hes so awesome 🙂 Then later he thanked me again for the tips, saying, “You really care about me dont you?”

“Of course 🙂 I love you.” I texted back. He said it was the nicest thing to know he was cared for. See? now he doesnt take any of my kindness for granted haha 😉 Its so much better seeing this side of him.

later that day I pulled my recovering self out of bed, to do a photo shoot for my brother, since Id promised him. Im not a certified photographer or anything, but it is a hobby of mine and I always get compliments from people, friends and family on the pictures i take. Im an artist at heart. I really love photography. My mom and my fiance’ keep telling me I should pursue it.

Anyway the photo shoot was a lot of fun–I did it for my brother and his friends senior pictures. We shot them up in a historic park with great scenery. I thought it was so cute how my brothers friend thought I was really a pro. I haven’t gone to school for photography so I cant call myself a “Pro” but I follow basic principles: I pack everything, from camera, batteries, extra batteries, snacks, water and make-up (yes make-up for guys too) and I am on time.  I pose them, and give them feedback as I take pictures like, “Yes, thats good, that looks really good, perfect. Thats a great picture right there.” Im really passionate about it. I know about lighting, shutter speeds, angles and how to edit pictures afterwards for  optimal appearance. Thats one reason my little brother wanted to go with me instead of a proffesional studio–He knows I can edit the pictures nicely. After the photo shoot was over, my brothers friend was looking at the pictures I took on my camera and exclaimed, “Wow, youre really good!” and of course…thats music to my ears.

…Its always nice to know youre good at something 🙂 !

Later that night, I was in front of my lovely computer editing the pictures and I thought, “Why not listen to some music and make it more fun?” So I put on my headphones and YouTubed some oldies. Layla had been very still all night. But the moment I started singing along to the everly brothers “all i have to do is dream” she started moving and moving! I thought it was so funny. After that song I heard some disney classics and she didnt move too much anymore. Then this morning, just for kicks, I started singing the song by the everly brothers again and suddenly she starts moving! She must really like that song haha…My fiance loves music and so do I, so it doesnt really surprise me that we might have a little musician in the making, but i think its cute that she already has music preferences! Oh my little Layla…

I Can Play That Game Too

16 Sep

Hes been texting me non-stop, sending me a long list of things he loves about me and telling me hes miserable.

Yeeeeeeea baby, thats what momma likes to hear…. 😉

*Ill let him be miserable for a while longer–I mean, why take that away from him?? its not until you’re truly miserable that you realize you love someone. You would think that just being great is good enough, but its not. You can clean, cook, and satisfy a man in the bedroom but unless he suffers for you, he’s not gonna know you’re true value. Men are dumb sometimes.

The solution is simple however: make them suffer *sigh Ahhhh 🙂 I think I take joy in watching a man sweat, cry and think about me all day, and all i had to do was act mad, insulted, annoyed, and indiffrent. I dont even have to have a good reason! I can just be mad for the hell of it! You would think it would repel a man to be around a girl that seems to be PMS’ing…but nope! They really think they have to fix what they did wrong…even when theyre not sure what they did. Aw men are so cute sometimes haha…

Now the next thing Im going to say may not sound so amazing…BUT IT IS.

Im 4 months pregnant now, and have been feeling my baby move these past few days—like….REALLY move. I mean, just imagine. something moving around in YOUR stomach, and Im not talking about the fried burrito and slurpee you had an hour ago. Im talking about a tiny person who lives inside of you–wiggling her little body around your stomach like its her territory to explore (Im feeling her right now, and it always makes me have the biggest goofiest grin on my face.)

My favorite moment? yesterday at work, when she seemed to “tickle” my stomach with her little hands. I started laughing! I love these little surprise moments!

Its amazing that I have a tiny person inside me right now. Shes mine, and I carry her everywhere I go. All I did was have a little too much fun with a man…and BAM! a child is now moving in my stomach!

It sounds simple…but its just so shocking to me how I made a new life. me?! Im not anybody. Yet there is a life forming in me getting ready to be born in a few months. I keep thinking, “Did i do thaaaaat?” *Steve Erkel voice*

Indeed I did, and Im darn proud of it.

Unwanted Orgasms

12 Sep

I put myself on “pelvic rest” (no sex) just to be safe recently, and I think Ill continue until the baby is born. HEY. I am protecting this childs life. Im on a mission here ok?? not one thats very pleasing to my fiance im sure, but he doesnt know Im also holding out until he gives me everything i want…marriage that will happen sooner than the year 3000, a ring, flowers, an apology, tears and down on his knees. Hes been bad recently, and bad boys dont get the “cookie.” *mother from the 50’s shaking finger* no, no, no.

I still have fantasies of him but he doesnt know it. Im thinking every time I start to have a fantasy of him I have to think of rainbows and unicorns with blue care bears floating on clouds (something really un-sexual), because thinking of him before bed does not help.

Last night I had such a crazy wild dream. I mean….MYGOD…did I have a great Orgasm in my dream—mind blowing. Angels singing.

THEN I WOKE UP. and i freeeeeaked out! I mean OMG!!! i am on pelvic rest! what if my orgasmic dream hurt my baby in some way??? I swear I was freaked out thinking about it for 5 minutes before I gained full consciousness. I know I must sound like I sniffed a can of glue, but I kept wondering if my dream made me have an orgasm in real life while i slept, the way you sometimes cry in a dream and are really crying when you wake up (or the worser one–where you dream you go to the restroom and you pee yourself in bed. hasnt happened to me, but Im just sayin‘…) Im scared of bringing on any contractions and its known that orgasms stimulate uterus contractions.

So THATS IT. no more fantasizing about my hot “fiance” until he shows me in actions how much I mean to him. guys like to play games sometimes but they’re not the ones with the cookie lol….and as Megan Fox once said, “Women hold the power because were the ones with the vaginas.” damn skippee Megan! (By the way shes Preggers too!)

As the saying goes…nobody buys the cow if they can get the milk for free. 😉

I’m charging a hefty price honey! Time to pay me some gratitude by the truck load!

 

 

 

Guess what???

11 Sep

Its a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

and shes ALIVE! Oh Im so happy!!! before I got my gender reveal ultra sound done, I tried to get myself used to the idea that the baby might not be alive anymore. I was preparing myself…maybe a little too much. I just didnt want to “lose it” and have a break down. I wanted to be strong if the news was bad.

Well, I layed down on the beautiful bed they had for me in the dimly-lit theater room with comfy couches and chairs (which they have so you can invite up to 10 family and friends-I invited my brother and his wife.)

As soon as I saw an image of the baby appear on the screen I told the ultrasound tech nervously, “let me know if it has a heart beat.”

“well…its moving,” she said. I still waited nervously for her to tell me.

after seeing its first movements on the big screen, i turned to her and asked her, “So its alive??” She shook her head yes, and I let out a sigh of relief then focused back on the screen. When i saw its little heart beating, I turned to her again. “Its heart is beating,” I said almost in a question, wanting reassurance even though I had seen it myself. “Mmmhmm,” she said, as she looked at her monitor.

Then I just smiled from ear to ear after that.

ESPECIALLY when she was able to show me it was a girl time and time again. I loved seeing the baby suck its thumb and move around swiftly. Shes definitely not a crazy one. I ate a BUNCH of candy and she still wasn’t hyper! She was so calm the ultrasound tech kept prodding my stomach gently to get her to move around a little more. Hopefully shes a good baby. I’m so in love with her already.

Its amazing to see that shes really growing!! I can see her spine really defined now, as well as her fingers and legs! I mean wow! there is really a baby growing in my stomach!!! This is such a special time for me.

Every now and then I would see my brother and his wife looking at my baby moving on the screen, and they would nudge each other and kiss tenderly. They dont have children yet (theyre newlyweds) but I know my sister in law wants a baby really bad. Im sure soon, shell be cooking her own little bun in the oven.

We celebrated afterwards by going out for dinner at Olive Garden. I had such a great time! Im still so overjoyed. Im having a girl! Im having a girl! Im having a girl!!! I want to shout it to the world! My own special little daughter. A piece of me. I cannot wait to meet her.

Threatened Miscarriage

5 Sep

Last Thursday night I stayed up watching birthing videos on YouTube, and every time it got to the part where the baby finally slipped out, I would start crying like a sissy. No. worse. I shake my own head at myself. these damn hormones.

Anyway, I decided I want to do a Bradley birth and have a midwife if possible.

So fast forward to FRIDAY.

I woke up, and having slept only 5 hours, I freaked because I thought “Ohmygod. How am I going to be alert and productive at work??” So I took an energy drink. I admit this with huge shame. It was stupid. Probably the stupidest thing Ive ever done.

It was a V8 energy drink with fruits and vegetables and green tea. It said it was “all natural” and I believed it. I thought, “its natural, plus one time wont hurt. Besides how much energy can it even give me? its not like its a redbull. It probably wont even do anything.”

WELL…a few hours after taking it I was shaky and really energized @_@ and imagine how my baby mustve been. Oh how the shame swallows me up now.

Around 4 pm, I got up and went to pee. I saw brown spotting when I wiped. UH OH.

I told myself not to panick. I read that was normal for most pregnant women.

At 6 pm, I got home. This time when I went to pee, I saw bright red blood spotting. I officially FREAKED OUT at that moment. I went to the store and bought the best pure vitamin E they had, came back home, took about 6 capsules, and rested all saturday, sunday and monday. (Vitamin E is good for a threatened miscarriage-it ‘glues’ the placenta back onto the uterus.) The red spotting went away after friday, and I have since then, felt the baby move. Sometimes i can see where its at because my stomach will be lopsided for a minute or two until it moves again. I was so worried though!!! mygod….and honestly even though I have felt it move and the spotting is gone, Im still kind of scared. I wish I knew it was really ok in there!

I have my 2D ultrasound coming up this monday so at least Ill be able to know if its ok on monday. Im just so scared though. What if I get there and theres no heartbeat? 😦 ***Please baby, keep moving in my stomach so I know youre ok*** We’ll see what happens next monday. Times like these I wish i had a doppler.

Im back with my Fiance-we made up. We had a really nice time last night just cuddling in his bed, watching his favorite reality show reunion–“love and hip hop Atlanta” (LOL he loves reality shows as much as i do but he didnt want to admit it at first heehee.) Then afterwards he turned off the TV and gave me some quality TLC 😉 We layed together as he rubbed my belly tenderly. He ran his hands through my hair, and would give me sweet little kisses. After a long hour of his caresses, he asked, “Do you feel loved?” I smiled with my eyes closed, and shook my head yes. “You better not say I don’t love you next week,” he half jokingly smiled.

Its nice to know that even though the idea of not having this baby would probably make our lives more simple…we both still want this baby just as bad anyway. My fiance told me this is one of the biggest gifts I can give him. That and being faithful to him. I love that he is so excited about this baby.

For now things look good, but I am itching for monday to get here already! I am praying everything is ok with my little bun in the oven.

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