Archive | October, 2012

Will I Ever Stop Being Shocked??

20 Oct

Im getting more and more excited about this baby. Sometimes I cant sleep at night. All i THINK is “BABY BABY BABY”. Its like knowing youre about to win the lottery in a few months. Would you be able to sleep at night? EXACTLY.

Of course I know I KNOW…changing poopy diapers isnt exactly like winning the lottery.

BUT. having a baby is just….sooooooo….exciting!!!!

I almost cant beleive it. I look at my belly and tell myself, “There is a baby in there.” I repeat it to myself in disbelief a few times. I am 5 months pregnant and I still cannot believe this has happened to me. I’m just so shocked still. will that ever go away?? I’ll probably be at my daughters high school graduation and still be shocked. I really find it odd how I had sex and now there’s a little person inside my stomach kicking me. WHAT THE HELL…? O_O

I have to record my face next time I feel it kick me. Its like the face you would probably make while watching an episode of “Ripleys beleive it or not.” except its a happy freaked out face. which is insane. which is why i must record it.

Something Ive wondered about lately is what the hell did I think about before I was pregnant. What was important to me back then?? Because the only thing thats important to me now is my baby and ANYTHING baby related. I thought hard while I brushed my teeth in the morning.

ohhhhh…then it came back to me.

All my hobbies of course!—Fashion, photography, cooking, drawing, reading, writting, dancing, working out, researching good health remedies, decorating, painting, and movies. OK, so I had quite alot of things that were important to me.

Which they still are, but Ive just noticed they’re not all I think about anymore.

Instead of only being subscribed to fashion and beauty gurus on youtube, Im now also subscribed to a million moms-to-be or mommy Vlogs. I watch an insane amount of birthing videos, and I love watching videos of newborn babies.

I have made a list of my birth plan as well as what I will take in my hospital bags, and Ive also finished my baby shower gift list, plus party details. I also made a daily to do list, and a list of the things I need to buy to decorate my soon to be shared room with the baby. YES I AM A LIST PERSON. my brain would freeze and die if I didnt have a notepad and pens.

And you read that correctly. HOSPITAL BAGS. I will be packing 3 and taking an empty gym bag for all the hospital goodies they give you to take home. One bag will be filled with 5 chlorophyll alkaline water bottles (for energy during labor) apples, bananas, and energy bars (for after labor.) Another bag will have all my clothes, toiletries, and babies clothes. The 3rd bag will have my pillow, baby blanket, towel, magazines, cellphone, camera, chargers, wallet, and gifts for my doctor and nurses. Im thinking Ill get them boxes of chocolate with  a little bow on top from SEE’s CANDY.

I got weighed the other day at my doctors, and I’ve only gained 10 pounds! Alrriiiight! happy happy joy joy!! My fear is being obese after I deliver. Of course I dont starve myself-that would be stupid. I just eat mostly fruits, nuts, and veggies, and drink lots of water. every now and then Ill give myself the green light to eat something forbidden, like mashed potatoes. I LOVE MASHED POTATOES!! Ok…Im getting very hungry now. When I say I give myself the green light every now and then…I kind of mean at least a few times a week lol. as long as its in small portions. so far its worked for me.

My next doctors appointment is on the 25th of October. I will be changing doctors. I didnt like the doctor that gave me my pap smear. She was weird and awkward. So I asked who else they had, and the front desk nurse recommended Dr.Garcia saying, “He’s the man!” She said her daughter recently got pregnant and thats who she recommended her daughter as well. Im so glad I asked her. I’ll feel alot better knowing my doctor is “THE MAN.”

Well Im off to get me some hashbrowns from Denny’s. I’ll leave you with some pictures =)

 

My 21 week update pic:

 

One day it’ll be my baby looking up at me 😉 !!

 

 

Room Idea for my future shared room with my little girl:

 

What I think my baby will look like when she’s born:

Its only a guess (Im super light skinned and my Ex is black) so we’ll see 😉

 

A Baby Shower???!! Oh No….

9 Oct

I know most pregnant women would be glad to receive gifts for their little bun in the oven.

me?

not so much. NO thank-you Joe.

Im the girl who ALWAYS makes a special order even at Burger King. All my friends have always laughed at me. They’ll order the number 3 with a coke. Ill order the number 5, no mayo, only lettuce and tomato,  well done–“could you season it well too please? thanks”, regular fries “but could you make sure their fresh? cause the last time they were super cold…*insert nice smile* and instead of the drink can I have a milk shake? Oh but could you make sure you dont put too much milk in it when your making it?–it takes away flavor and makes it a little watery. annnnnd I think thats all. *sweet smile *chiiiing ;D*”

So naturally when it comes to a baby shower…Im almost petrified of what ill receive. I mean call me Nut-so but I already googled everything I want for my baby.

SO get a gift registry you say.

I hear you. But its not like I want everything from just one store.

I would hate to get a baby bouncer in an ugly color for example. Or bottles Ill never use. Or the boppy in a print I dont like. Or the baby carrier that I could’ve gotten off craigslist for way cheaper. Or an ugly bath tub. Or an ugly car seat. I mean what will i say when they realize I returned their item and bought something cooler?

So I told my sister in law to tell everyone that I only want clothes and diapers and nothing more. I could say nothing and let people waste their money and smile and pretend I like it, and never use it. But Id rather they spend their money on something I will use.

Something I dont feel like buying is diapers and sleepers. mostly because theres nothing too exciting about those two things. Yet its the two things Ill need the most. I feel kind of guilty for suggesting that they buy the things I don’t feel like buying because maybe that takes away their enthusiasm to go baby shopping, but hey. I dont make the rules.

Alright so that didnt make sense but it sounded good. 

Here are the things I have already picked out to buy for my baby:

Crib:

 

Crib Mobile:

 

Lamp:

 

Co-Sleeper:

 

 

 

 

Infant Car Seat:

 

 

Wall decal above crib:

 

 

Bathtub:

 

 

Boppy:

 

 

Bottles:

 

Swing:

Life Is Like A Bowl Of Cherries

6 Oct

Ok not really. At least not my life! lol…my life is lemon filled. Sometimes its like a Lemon pie if I’m lucky. Other days its like a lemon. Right in your eye. with salt. and hot Tabasco sauce.

Yesterday was one of those days…

I saw my dad two days ago. I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year. He’s the person who beat me down verbally for many years.

I stopped talking to him and moved out. It kills him, that I wont talk to him…but it kills me to talk to him because hes so hurtful.

Anyway, the company I work for is a company he’s done a lot of business with over the years, so I guess I should’ve known I would see him one of these days but I was seriously hoping I wouldn’t. Then surprise surprise…He walked into the office right before I was leaving. He had a bright sunny smile on his face as he walked in. Then he saw me. There was a brief pause, a shock of surprise for both of us. I smiled politely and said, “Hey Dad.” He stared at me for a moment with his smile slowly fading. My boss then came up and acknowledged him, and I left.

As I drove away a lot of old feelings of not being perfect enough came up. One thing Ive learned about my Dad is that I will never be good enough in his eyes. I’m a “constant dissapointment to him.” That was back when I was living at home and could’ve easily been the poster girl for the 1950’s “goody-two-shoes.” I realized with the time there was nothing I could do to gain his approval. Nothing at all. And I gave up trying. No I didnt run out and get tattoos and a purple mullet hair cut. But I did move out, and start seeing a black guy. Now that I’m knocked up and single I wonder what he must think of me. Just “another disgrace” Im sure. As I drove, I got the sudden urge to cry. But I told myself I wouldn’t. I held it in and kept a straight face. I would not let his judgement keep affecting me anymore.

I went shopping and found Layla her “leaving the hospital” outfit at Gymboree. I also bought her some cute minnie mouse socks. It cheered me up a little to think of my baby girl.

The next day however, my boss asked me about the incident with my Dad. “I didnt know he was your father! Why didnt you two hug or something??” She asked. I couldnt tell her. I tried to play it off but she dug for more answers. Then she said it…I wish she wouldnt have. I didnt want to know.

She said after I left my Dad cried...He didnt know I was working there–no one had told him. He told my boss that we hadn’t spoken in a long time, “-and shes pregnant..” he cried to her. My boss said his lips quivered and she held his hand to comfort him. “He was really sad…” She said looking at me with her big puppy eyes. I knew she felt bad for him. everyone always does. See the thing about my dad is he can come across as the most charming man youve ever met. Hes also really emotional and cries more during sad movies than my mom does (its kind of embarassing sometimes.) BUT most people dont even have a clue how that guy could turn into someone else when the doors and curtains are shut.

Still though, I dont like putting our dirty laundry out there, and as much as he hurt me, I still dont want to damage his reputation. So I gave my boss a vague answer as to why I dont talk to him anymore. Still she wasnt letting it go. She kept mentioning how he cried. “Oh my dad…Hes so emotional,” I said trying to laugh it off. I think I came across as insensitive. I just didn’t want to open Pandora’s box and explode into a giant ball of unending mascara tears.

Truth is… It hurts to know my dad cried because I dont talk to him. I would LOVE to talk to my dad. I want a dad just as bad as he wants a daughter, but I know hes only going to hurt me. I already gave him a second chance in the past and he blew it.

The rest of the day I worked quietly, avoiding any thoughts about my Dad and my ex-fiance’. Its not easy going through a break up when your pregnant and then dealing with family drama. I sat at my desk assembling packets and told myself, “You are the luckiest girl in the world. You are the luckiest girl in the world. Everything in your life is fine and you are very happy.”

I know, I know. Its delusional lol…but you know what? It worked. It helped me keep my composure together.

The sad thing is my dad told my mom he saw me, and that he felt really normal about it. My mom asked how I felt. I lied and said I didn’t really feel anything. Truth is, it was emotional for the both of us but neither one is going to admit it. I guess we have some things in common.

I don’t know if Ill give him a third chance. Part of me wants to. The other part is scared.

Anyway, today was a much much better day!! I had lunch with my mom at Denny’s (we actually ordered the french toast breakfast though lol—hey there are no rules when it comes to food! Ive even had breakfast at night before and let me tell ya…it was awesome!) We had a nice time, laughing and talking. I honestly thank God for having her in my life.

This is random, but I just gotta say I prefer Denny’s over Ihop. I’ll take Ihop if there’s no Denny’s around, but in my opinion Denny’s makes better food. Ive tried the hashbrowns at both places and Denny’s totally wins..

At 5 pm my mom met me again for my ultrasound appointment. I got to see my precious little Layla again and MY GOD she has grown!!! I almost feel like shes my giga pet (remember those?!) and the more I feed it and take care of it, the more it grows–its just so exciting.

While my mom and I watched Layla on the screen, we saw her open and close her mouth and move her little legs around. “Did you see that??!” I would turn over excitedly and ask my mom. She just beamed with joy and shook her head as she stared at the monitor screen.

Now this might sound like bragging but she has such a cute little body! It looks like shes been working out in there!! I mean, WOW those are some lean shapely legs she has! not to mention a nicely shaped behind too! Again she didn’t get it from me *sigh. I wish. Must be from my Ex’s African American genes—His whole body is perfectly sculpted like a Greek statue.

*sigh. Too bad things didn’t work out between us. *deep sigh. *another sigh. I will miss that body. ='( *where are my tissues? *sniffle, sniffle.

Anyway, I’m glad I got to see my baby today. I cannot wait to hold her. Layla will be my little doll–I cant wait to dress her! I’m just so excited about her!! I’ve already bought her a TON of carters clothes that I got off of craigslist for a really good deal. I love getting good deals on clothes ^_^ I am not going to spend a fortune on clothes she will grow out of by the time I’m done sneezing lol..

My little Layla:

Her “leaving the hospital” outfit:

Bump pic from today:

I cant wait to see my little doll–4 more months! I’ve never been more excited about anything in my life =) !

Breaking Up and Moving On

3 Oct

Work life: Great. I now work in an office directly with my boss and her little white Maltese named buttons (shes an ex show dog.) Im her assistant, and we do lien sales for vehicles and trucks. I really really like my new boss. After going through a million bosses, I can honestly say shes one of the few bosses everyone wishes they had.

Love life: negative. I am on my own commander. I finally realized my ex-fiance has some kind of mental illness. He loves me but every week something in his brain flips and he accuses me of things I didn’t do (usually flirting or cheating.) If his mind thinks it, he believes it–no proof needed. He’ll then say things he’ll later regret. I’ll cry, then he apologizes and tries to make up. I’ve told him before that if hes making things up just to get out of being a father, then he doesnt need to make anything up. he can just go. He got mad though, and said he’ll leave when he wants, but that its not what he wants. He honestly tortures himself with what people tell him about me, or what he simply imagines. He knows hes jealous, and has admitted it before. Sadly though, I dont think theres a solution. I wanted so bad to make it work, especially after finding out I was pregnant. I kept forgiving him. And crying. and forgiving him. Finally I realized…He has a problem. He needs help. I wish I could help him. I wish I knew what was wrong with him. All I know is that his thoughts control him, and he imagines things that didn’t happen and becomes verbally abusive. Sometimes physically. I know its better that I leave him for the safety of me and my baby.

I’m sad that I wont have the little family I pictured in my mind, but my mom reminds me that my baby will get a lot of love from my whole family, and that cheers me up. I have 6 brothers who will be great uncles to her 🙂

My growing baby: The one thing I look forward to every day is feeling her move. Its almost surreal to feel a little  person moving inside you–I am still not over it lol. Its just too cool! I went to my first doctors appointment a few days ago. They did a pap smear and drew blood. Well lets just say I will never let a woman do a pap smear on me again. I almost felt raped! She was so rough and didn’t talk through the whole procedure. Just WHam! BAm! Thank You MAam! worst experience ever. I shudder when I think about it.  At least the blood draw was just a pinch, and then I was on my way. My ultrasound is this Friday which I’m SUPER excited about. I just LOVE seeing my little Layla move around. anything she does amazes me. I love her so much.

My mom wants to come to my ultrasound on Friday, which I’m excited about. I know she’ll love seeing her first granddaughter on the screen. Knowing her, she’ll probably even tear up. memo to self: bring tissues.

On another note, Ill be 5 months pregnant in a few days! I mean WOW where did the time go? Jesus Christ, It almost scares me how fast this is all happening. I start panicking that I’m not ready. I need to learn how to breast feed, and how to meditate during labor—which is a 4 month class I believe –Not to mention read up on how to make your baby sleep through the night. Otherwise it’ll be like a train wreck waiting to happen :/

Heres a few pictures of the clothes I want to dress her in one day:

Im off to dream of the little girl Ill be holding in my arms soon.

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