Breaking Up and Moving On

3 Oct

Work life: Great. I now work in an office directly with my boss and her little white Maltese named buttons (shes an ex show dog.) Im her assistant, and we do lien sales for vehicles and trucks. I really really like my new boss. After going through a million bosses, I can honestly say shes one of the few bosses everyone wishes they had.

Love life: negative. I am on my own commander. I finally realized my ex-fiance has some kind of mental illness. He loves me but every week something in his brain flips and he accuses me of things I didn’t do (usually flirting or cheating.) If his mind thinks it, he believes it–no proof needed. He’ll then say things he’ll later regret. I’ll cry, then he apologizes and tries to make up. I’ve told him before that if hes making things up just to get out of being a father, then he doesnt need to make anything up. he can just go. He got mad though, and said he’ll leave when he wants, but that its not what he wants. He honestly tortures himself with what people tell him about me, or what he simply imagines. He knows hes jealous, and has admitted it before. Sadly though, I dont think theres a solution. I wanted so bad to make it work, especially after finding out I was pregnant. I kept forgiving him. And crying. and forgiving him. Finally I realized…He has a problem. He needs help. I wish I could help him. I wish I knew what was wrong with him. All I know is that his thoughts control him, and he imagines things that didn’t happen and becomes verbally abusive. Sometimes physically. I know its better that I leave him for the safety of me and my baby.

I’m sad that I wont have the little family I pictured in my mind, but my mom reminds me that my baby will get a lot of love from my whole family, and that cheers me up. I have 6 brothers who will be great uncles to her 🙂

My growing baby: The one thing I look forward to every day is feeling her move. Its almost surreal to feel a little  person moving inside you–I am still not over it lol. Its just too cool! I went to my first doctors appointment a few days ago. They did a pap smear and drew blood. Well lets just say I will never let a woman do a pap smear on me again. I almost felt raped! She was so rough and didn’t talk through the whole procedure. Just WHam! BAm! Thank You MAam! worst experience ever. I shudder when I think about it.  At least the blood draw was just a pinch, and then I was on my way. My ultrasound is this Friday which I’m SUPER excited about. I just LOVE seeing my little Layla move around. anything she does amazes me. I love her so much.

My mom wants to come to my ultrasound on Friday, which I’m excited about. I know she’ll love seeing her first granddaughter on the screen. Knowing her, she’ll probably even tear up. memo to self: bring tissues.

On another note, Ill be 5 months pregnant in a few days! I mean WOW where did the time go? Jesus Christ, It almost scares me how fast this is all happening. I start panicking that I’m not ready. I need to learn how to breast feed, and how to meditate during labor—which is a 4 month class I believe –Not to mention read up on how to make your baby sleep through the night. Otherwise it’ll be like a train wreck waiting to happen :/

Heres a few pictures of the clothes I want to dress her in one day:

Im off to dream of the little girl Ill be holding in my arms soon.

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