Life Is Like A Bowl Of Cherries

6 Oct

Ok not really. At least not my life! lol…my life is lemon filled. Sometimes its like a Lemon pie if I’m lucky. Other days its like a lemon. Right in your eye. with salt. and hot Tabasco sauce.

Yesterday was one of those days…

I saw my dad two days ago. I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year. He’s the person who beat me down verbally for many years.

I stopped talking to him and moved out. It kills him, that I wont talk to him…but it kills me to talk to him because hes so hurtful.

Anyway, the company I work for is a company he’s done a lot of business with over the years, so I guess I should’ve known I would see him one of these days but I was seriously hoping I wouldn’t. Then surprise surprise…He walked into the office right before I was leaving. He had a bright sunny smile on his face as he walked in. Then he saw me. There was a brief pause, a shock of surprise for both of us. I smiled politely and said, “Hey Dad.” He stared at me for a moment with his smile slowly fading. My boss then came up and acknowledged him, and I left.

As I drove away a lot of old feelings of not being perfect enough came up. One thing Ive learned about my Dad is that I will never be good enough in his eyes. I’m a “constant dissapointment to him.” That was back when I was living at home and could’ve easily been the poster girl for the 1950’s “goody-two-shoes.” I realized with the time there was nothing I could do to gain his approval. Nothing at all. And I gave up trying. No I didnt run out and get tattoos and a purple mullet hair cut. But I did move out, and start seeing a black guy. Now that I’m knocked up and single I wonder what he must think of me. Just “another disgrace” Im sure. As I drove, I got the sudden urge to cry. But I told myself I wouldn’t. I held it in and kept a straight face. I would not let his judgement keep affecting me anymore.

I went shopping and found Layla her “leaving the hospital” outfit at Gymboree. I also bought her some cute minnie mouse socks. It cheered me up a little to think of my baby girl.

The next day however, my boss asked me about the incident with my Dad. “I didnt know he was your father! Why didnt you two hug or something??” She asked. I couldnt tell her. I tried to play it off but she dug for more answers. Then she said it…I wish she wouldnt have. I didnt want to know.

She said after I left my Dad cried...He didnt know I was working there–no one had told him. He told my boss that we hadn’t spoken in a long time, “-and shes pregnant..” he cried to her. My boss said his lips quivered and she held his hand to comfort him. “He was really sad…” She said looking at me with her big puppy eyes. I knew she felt bad for him. everyone always does. See the thing about my dad is he can come across as the most charming man youve ever met. Hes also really emotional and cries more during sad movies than my mom does (its kind of embarassing sometimes.) BUT most people dont even have a clue how that guy could turn into someone else when the doors and curtains are shut.

Still though, I dont like putting our dirty laundry out there, and as much as he hurt me, I still dont want to damage his reputation. So I gave my boss a vague answer as to why I dont talk to him anymore. Still she wasnt letting it go. She kept mentioning how he cried. “Oh my dad…Hes so emotional,” I said trying to laugh it off. I think I came across as insensitive. I just didn’t want to open Pandora’s box and explode into a giant ball of unending mascara tears.

Truth is… It hurts to know my dad cried because I dont talk to him. I would LOVE to talk to my dad. I want a dad just as bad as he wants a daughter, but I know hes only going to hurt me. I already gave him a second chance in the past and he blew it.

The rest of the day I worked quietly, avoiding any thoughts about my Dad and my ex-fiance’. Its not easy going through a break up when your pregnant and then dealing with family drama. I sat at my desk assembling packets and told myself, “You are the luckiest girl in the world. You are the luckiest girl in the world. Everything in your life is fine and you are very happy.”

I know, I know. Its delusional lol…but you know what? It worked. It helped me keep my composure together.

The sad thing is my dad told my mom he saw me, and that he felt really normal about it. My mom asked how I felt. I lied and said I didn’t really feel anything. Truth is, it was emotional for the both of us but neither one is going to admit it. I guess we have some things in common.

I don’t know if Ill give him a third chance. Part of me wants to. The other part is scared.

Anyway, today was a much much better day!! I had lunch with my mom at Denny’s (we actually ordered the french toast breakfast though lol—hey there are no rules when it comes to food! Ive even had breakfast at night before and let me tell ya…it was awesome!) We had a nice time, laughing and talking. I honestly thank God for having her in my life.

This is random, but I just gotta say I prefer Denny’s over Ihop. I’ll take Ihop if there’s no Denny’s around, but in my opinion Denny’s makes better food. Ive tried the hashbrowns at both places and Denny’s totally wins..

At 5 pm my mom met me again for my ultrasound appointment. I got to see my precious little Layla again and MY GOD she has grown!!! I almost feel like shes my giga pet (remember those?!) and the more I feed it and take care of it, the more it grows–its just so exciting.

While my mom and I watched Layla on the screen, we saw her open and close her mouth and move her little legs around. “Did you see that??!” I would turn over excitedly and ask my mom. She just beamed with joy and shook her head as she stared at the monitor screen.

Now this might sound like bragging but she has such a cute little body! It looks like shes been working out in there!! I mean, WOW those are some lean shapely legs she has! not to mention a nicely shaped behind too! Again she didn’t get it from me *sigh. I wish. Must be from my Ex’s African American genes—His whole body is perfectly sculpted like a Greek statue.

*sigh. Too bad things didn’t work out between us. *deep sigh. *another sigh. I will miss that body. ='( *where are my tissues? *sniffle, sniffle.

Anyway, I’m glad I got to see my baby today. I cannot wait to hold her. Layla will be my little doll–I cant wait to dress her! I’m just so excited about her!! I’ve already bought her a TON of carters clothes that I got off of craigslist for a really good deal. I love getting good deals on clothes ^_^ I am not going to spend a fortune on clothes she will grow out of by the time I’m done sneezing lol..

My little Layla:

Her “leaving the hospital” outfit:

Bump pic from today:

I cant wait to see my little doll–4 more months! I’ve never been more excited about anything in my life =) !

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3 Responses to “Life Is Like A Bowl Of Cherries”

  1. Ine November 24, 2012 at 3:11 am #

    Nawww… I can’t imagine how that must have felt like. I’m not on great speaking terms with my dad either – I was brought up by my grandparents since I was born as my parents had me when they were young and adventurous lol I could only speak to my dad when he is drunk. He doesn’t drink anymore thankfully. He wasn’t a violent man thank God but he was never the dad I had always needed – someone to talk to, to get advice from, to tease etc. It doesn’t help that we live in completely different parts of the world but, with even a phone call away, it just doesn’t happen.

    I think you will be ok, you seem like a strong little lady hehehe 🙂 WOMAN POWER!!!

    • thinkingpink123 November 30, 2012 at 3:29 am #

      Aw thank you.. 🙂 I hope your grandparents were good to you and raised you with love.

      • Ine December 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

        🙂 they are amazing grandparents who raised me well 😀 sounds like you have a great loving fam surrounding you regardless of your relationship with your dad – your 6 bros and mum 🙂 oh and sis in law 🙂 They will be there to support you the whole way I’m sure.

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