Archive | December, 2012

8 months pregnant!

28 Dec

WOW.

I remember when I was two months pregnant. I was so impatient for things to speed along. and now…were actually here. at the turning point. theres only a month left until I see the little miracle growing inside of me.

She now has a little head of hair, and looks like a mini newborn. When she is born, she will be mine. They will give her to me to take home, and she will be mine to keep. my precious little girl. She will look to me for all her needs and loving care.

Ill be honest.

Ive never been really good with taking care of plants.

So taking care of a human being 24 hours a day is a little terrifying.

Yet I feel ready to welcome the challenge.  Because this wont be a plant. Its a part of me. she’ll be the most special person I’ve ever met.

Sometimes In the morning, I take a few minutes for just me and her. I lay there while she kicks me and I think about what it will be like when I am at the verge of seeing her for the first time. In my head, I can hear the doctor saying her head is out, and only a push or two more and shell be out completely. It’ll be surreal. suddenly Ill hear her crying, and she will be placed on top of me. it’ll be the best moment of my life. I’ll be in tears, laughter and shock to see that a real human was living inside of me. Ill run my hands over her tiny head, gently touching her hair in disbelief. Then ill pick up one of her little hands and examine her tiny fingers in awe.

I just wish I could share all this with her dad.

He was so in love with her already. He would look up pictures on google of mixed baby girls, trying to guess what she would look like. Hed leave his hand on my stomach the whole night just in case she kicked, and he already had ideas of what he wanted the nursery to look like.

I imagined how proud he would be to carry her in his arms and show her off to people. I saw his big proud smile in my head. I also imagined moments at home…laying in bed gazing at our newborn, not being able to get enough of her.

I would have loved all that so much. It makes me sad that it wont happen.

I think about him all the time. part of me wants to run back to him. I just want to lay cuddled in his arms again. I want to feel protected by him.

The other (smarter) part of me knows that’ll never happen.

Ill never go back to him.

the sense of security, warmth and love is all but an illusion. If it exists with him, its only in moments. I cried more than i laughed when i was with him. and yet i love him. I just want him to hold me the way he used to. we would lay in bed and he would always ask me if i was comfortable. I would wiggle around a little until i felt comfortable. Id lay my head on his chest, then peek up at him and smile. Hed look down at me with a little smile. Then he’d rock me gently like a baby in his arms. “do you mind if i rock you?” he’d ask. “do you think its weird?” Id shake my head, no. I loved being babied by him. he’d continue to rock me gently.

i wish things had worked out. I really wanted a little family.

oh well it looks like its just me and my little gum drop.

I cant wait to meet her! Can you believe I’m going to be a mom?! its incredible.

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