2012 — The Year I’ll Never Forget

7 Apr

The other night my dad offered me a job at his company again (Ive worked for him on and off since I was 19.) I haven’t given him an answer yet…Its something I have to really think about before I make up my mind. Thinking of working for my dad again made me remember last year and i couldn’t help getting a little teary eyed.

If you’ve read my posts from last year, you’ll know that my dad and I haven’t had the rosiest relationship. I’ve gone years without talking to him, not because I was mad but because I simply didnt want to keep getting hurt. He has a bad temper (its gotten a little bit better though) and I think he has early Alzheimer’s…

Which means…he would scream, yell and call me stupid and then forget he did that the next day and accuse me of having mental problems and making things up (“WHEN have i ever screamed at you??” he would ask with a doe eyed deer look on his face.)

So I couldn’t exactly “work things out” with my dad since he didn’t even remember what he did.

Let me start with the beginning of last year…January 2012. my dads constant verbal abuse was really taking a toll on me. I became really depressed…I stop wanting to do anything fun and preferred to sleep in over going out on weekends. Soon, I became suicidal. (I had also just gotten into a horrible car accident weeks before, where my car went off a hill, and got totaled. I honestly thought I was going to die as I went down the hill, off a bridge. I still get chills when I go over that bridge to this day.)

Anyway, I arrived at work on a monday morning last January feeling suicidal and “half dead.” peoples voices seemed to echo around me. I couldnt seem to concentrate on anything in front of me.

Then the phone rang.

I debated whether or not to answer.  I didnt have any strength to even utter out any words, but with every last bit of strength in my bones I picked up the phone and breathed out a small “hello?”

It was my dad.

He started screaming at me again. I sat there with a dead look in my eyes as I held the phone pressed againts my ear. I didnt care anymore. I didnt care about anything. For all I knew I was already dead. 

But that was the straw that broke the camels back.

Without my dad having finished his rant, I took the phone in my hand and slowly put it back down on the receiver. *click* conversation over.

I had to leave. I had to go somewhere far far away.

So I grabbed my purse and left.

It was 10 am, and I had left the office with no “real reason”. I just up and left.

 

My plan had been to drive somewhere far far away. To drive for hours, and just shut everything and everyone out of my life. But I realized I had taken my moms minivan to work that day so I went home instead.

My mom was surprised to see me home so early but i just zoomed passed her, dropping off her keys on the counter and making a straight line towards my room.

Once I was locked in my room, I draped the window with a thick blanket to shut out any light, and screamed at my mom repeatedly to leave me alone after she knocked on my door and asked if i was ok. “I dont want to talk to anyone!!” I screamed through gritted teeth.

she was persistent, as any worried mother is but finally she spoke a defeated “OK,” and I heard her walk away.

I turned on my MP3 Player, put my ear phones in, and listened to ‘God of Wine’ by third eye blind on repeat. It seemed to be the perfect sad/depressive song…

I layed there in my bed looking up at the ceiling with tears flowing down my face. I wanted to die so bad. I cried, slept, then woke up to research ways to commit suicide.

The next day my mom forced the door open. When I told her I didn’t want to live anymore with huge tears running down my face, she cried and told me she would die too if i ever did anything to myself. When I saw my mom cry, I knew there was no way I could go through with it. I wanted to die more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life, but to know that I would cause such pain on the one person who has always loved me and been there for me, absolutely tore me up. It made me feel guilty and selfish. She didn’t deserve that.

She brushed away her tears, and her eyes lit up as she optimistically proposed I start “a new life.”  She suggested I go live with my brother who lived in the next city. “things will get better, you’ll see.” she said patting my knee.

And that’s how it all began…

I moved out and started a “new life” for my mom. (although my dad still thinks to this day that I moved out because I was “rebellious” and didn’t want to live under his “rules”. ) looking for an apartment, a new car, and a new job while struggling to want to live, was not easy. Actually its quite ironic when you think of it. my mind was a battle field of suicidal thoughts, and an endeavor to fight for my life despite the hoops i had to jump through and the constant rejections.

When I got the “Ok” to move in to our new apartment, I rented a big U-haul truck and drove it myself even though I had never in my life driven a truck that big. I had no choice since my brother was working and wouldnt be able to help me move.

Once I was settled into a new apartment with my brother things seemed to look up. I had a new car, a new job, but the best part was that there wasnt anyone constantly screaming at me anymore, making me feel stupid. I felt like I had escaped an abusive place.

Then my new boss let me go because “I didnt know every street in the city.” She said I was really bright and didn’t doubt I would find a new job soon. “Besides, you dont want me as a boss…” unfortunately I couldn’t argue with that. She screamed and cursed at all her employees, including her younger husband, who worked for her. I knew I would eventually get the same treatment if i stuck around, so while I was sad to go, I knew it was for the best.

Kelly Clarkson’s song “stronger” was playing on the radio as I drove away. “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger..”How fitting,’ I thought.

I then signed up to be an extra in movies and do some commercials. That was barely taking off when I started taking care of my sisters kids and would no longer be able to be “on call”. My sister had no other family or friends who could take care of her kids, and she didnt want to leave them with strangers. I love my nefus and didnt want them to be mistreated by strangers so I agreed to take care of them for her even if it meant giving up on an acting career.

Suddenly my life consisted of cooking all day for my brother and nefus, washing dishes and pans, taking care of my nefus, and working out at night at the gym in our apartment complex.

That’s where I met my baby’s daddy.

what seemed like such a wonderful thing quickly turned into a tumultuous relationship.

Then my brother moved out of the apartment we shared, basically leaving me homeless since I wasn’t earning an income at the time and could not make the rent on my own. So I called my sister and asked if I could stay with her until I got up on my feet. She said yes, and seemed excited to have me live with her.

The moment I stepped into her house something changed. She seemed to remember everything I ever did to her in the past and treated me coldly. I had never felt more unwanted, poor and homeless in my life.

I tried to take comfort in my boyfriend but he would usually make me feel worse. He would break up with me every other week, sending me into a river of tears, only to beg me back the next day.

Shortly after moving in with my sister, I got a job at an oil company as a dispatcher.

Little did I know that it was the job from hell.

One of the managers told me that “nice people” couldn’t work there — “they wouldn’t make it out alive.” My boss picked on the managers and belittled them in front of all of us. When he was gone, the managers and employees bullied each other, but they especially seemed to take joy picking on the “new people” which would be me and another guy who was a “little person”.  They made fun of him for being so short, and made short jokes until he wanted to cry. With me, they either taught me the wrong things on purpose, or they didn’t teach me anything at all. I was frustrated knowing I only had 2 weeks of training, and they weren’t teaching me anything. They even told the new guy not to help me out. So I spoke up about it…and got fired. My new boss said he was deeply disturbed when I told him what was going on while he wasn’t there. He then told me everyone denied my claims, and he accused me of making things up. great. 

I guess thats why people dont speak up right? But I honestly wasnt even sad to go. I was happy to leave that place. Ive had alot of jobs from hell, but I have to say that one takes the #1 trophy home.

at around that time I ran into a check point and trying to avoid it, I reversed on the freeway with oncoming traffic, to get out through a nearby neighborhood street. well, the cops were waiting for me on that neighborhood street and gave me a ticket. I tried getting out of it, but the cop was a major jerk. He even threatened to put hand cuffs on me — and he was serious too.

As if that wasnt enough my boyfriend had just broken up with me because he thought I liked my co-worker. days later he tried to get back with me, but this time I didnt get back with him. I had had enough.

I was miserable at my sisters. out of desperation I moved out and went to live in a house with 3 other people that I didnt know. Basically my landlord rented out rooms. every door had a number just like an apartment complex. every room had a bed, a night table, a lamp, a chest of drawers, a tv with basic cable, and a mini fridge. It was like a motel room.

a few weeks later my landlord asked if I wanted to live in a nicer house he had across town where the majority of the tenants were girls. He thought Id feel more comfortable there, as opposed to where i was (all my room mates in the first house were males.) and so I moved again.

It had been a month since me and my boyfriend had broken up when I realized I was pregnant. uh-oh. I was totally not expecting that…

I got in contact with him right away and told him the news. He took it really well, and we got back together that same night. maybe we can work it out, i thought.

boy was I wrong. I went through some things with him that I cant even mention. all I can say is  that it wasnt a healthy relationship, and I was usually in tears.

Around that time, I lost my cell phone at an amusement park. my boyfriend said he called my number and supposedly another guy picked up the phone and told him the baby I was having wasnt his and that I had been cheating on him. So my boyfriend accused me of sleeping with my 80 year old landlord. I cried so much during that time trying to convince him that I had never been with anyone else, but he always brought it up like a broken record.

I got a job at a law firm next, and that turned out to be quite the experience as well. The secretary I worked with made things up to get me fired, saying I left for lunch without telling anyone, which i absolutely never did. It was crucial to have someone take my spot and I always made sure one of the secretaries knew. She said she didnt have time to train me, so I would usually get screamed at by my boss for not doing things “right.” Then she would tell me to do a task a certain way and Id get in trouble by my manager for doing it “wrong.”

When I got fired from that job, It really did hurt since I was pregnant and really needed the job. I cried when I got home, and cried even more when my boyfriend broke up with me the next week. I had no friends, no family, no job, and no boyfriend. AND I was pregnant. My landlord was even suggesting I go to a homeless shelter since he couldn’t have me living there with a baby.

Sometimes Id curl up on my bed and just cry my eyeballs out. I had never felt so alone and scared in my life.

When my boyfriend wanted to get back with me the next week, I took him back. I told myself I had to try to make things work for our baby.

Thats when my brother came into the picture.

He offered to take care of me and baby as long as I left my boyfriend for good. I took his offer after debating it for a while.

I also got a new job where I didnt make much money –I practically worked for free– but I loved my boss. She was so sweet, and told me nice things like that I was so smart, and such a pleasure to work with. She gave me my confidence back. Im so grateful to have worked for her.

a  few months later, I moved in with my brother again, and stopped working to focus on getting the last things ready for my baby.

while my brother promised he would take care of me and my baby, he seemed to go back on his word, and didnt pay my car bill, or our rent, and he barely gave me any money for a few baby items. I was so stressed out, worried and depressed.

AND thats how last year ended. out of my entire crazy life, I have to say 2012 has been the worst year I’ve ever had. Its almost like a really bad nightmare.

I decided to talk to my dad again, because I knew how bad he wanted to talk to me and have his grand daughter in his life.  Even if it terrified me to open that door again, I couldn’t stand hearing about how he would tear up every time someone mentioned me or my baby.  But I had to apologize to him first because from what my mom told me, he still felt that I owed him an apology for “what I did.” I wasn’t even sure what it was I had done, but i apologized anyway.

He accepted my apology but he had no apology for me. It was ok though, I didnt expect him to remember what he did. He honestly does not remember, so I swallowed my pride and pretended to be the wrong-doer so he could be a part of his grand daughters life.

Sometimes though, Im afraid of things going back to how they were. The other night, when my dad offered me the job, he offended me, calling me irresponsible for having had my car taken away, and not having had money saved. I couldnt help feeling hurt, as it reminded me of last year, and how much I struggled. He then said he hoped I learned my lesson for wanting to do things “my way.” I simply nodded. Theres no point in trying to change the way he thinks things happened. So If he says its white…then its white.

He also told me I have to have good communication with him if Im going to work for him again, and inform him of all decisions. That made me cringe, as I remembered how every time I would call him to inform him of something, he’d scream at me. It made it really hard to keep the communication lines open. Im afraid of it being the same way.

about the job offer, I didn’t give him an answer right away, and he told me to think about it and get back to him.

Part of me would love to work for him…its really good money, good hours, free weekends, and free gas. and I know the work like the back of my hand since Ive been doing it for so long. I just wonder if working for my dad is a good idea…

I know my dad isnt perfect but I still love him and I know he loves me. I dont want to mess up the good relationship we have right now. Its probably the best its ever been.

Anyway, as crazy as last year was, Im super thankful for my little Layla. When I look at her I’m so happy. I fall more in love with her with every passing day. I cant stop giving her little kisses and stroking her little head of hair when I hold her. She makes everything worth it.

 

 

 

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