Life of A Single Working Mom

5 Jun

I’ll be honest and to the point: I feel neglected.

I work hard to keep my parents happy at home, even if that means taking on some of their responsibilities, or putting what I have to do aside to spend family time with them. I honestly dont feel like I have time to sit down AT ALL with the list of things i have to do. When I do sit down, I feel guilty about it. I long for the day when I wont feel guilty about sitting down to relax. I dont even think I really relax when Im supposed to relax now that I think of it…

Anyway, Ive gotten very little sleep as of lately because Layla has started teething and wakes me up numerous times in the wee hours of the morning. Then I have to get up early for work, even though my body is screaming NO. today my dad asked me to come in earlier since my sister was sick and wouldn’t be at the office. So I had to wake up an hour earlier. that sure felt nice.

Once at work I have to multi task between inputting data in the computer, (with piles of invoices piling up faster and faster) making numerous phone calls and nursing Layla, changing her diapers, giving her attention, as well as snapping some pictures of her adorable moments since they are oh so fleeting.

It sounds nice but the reality is that Im usually really stressed out, playing catch up with my office work, holding layla on my lap, with a phone to my ear, and somehow trying to write something down, while holding the phone between neck and shoulder while Layla is being noisy and throwing a fit.

I work over-time almost every day trying to catch up on my work since Layla takes up so much of my time. At the same time Im torn with the thought of leaving her at home and not seeing her for 8 hours! thats a huge chunk of the day! SO i just suck it up. put my big girl panties on.

I have to ask myself though: when do I get to really breath? I guess not any time soon.

I feel exhausted.

Today I could barely walk from exhaustion. I wish someone noticed.

I wish someone asked, “Oh how do you feel?”

but no one ever asks me. they all immediately go towards Layla to pick her up. Then they say things to her like, “oh poor baby must be soooo tired!” uh-huh. I cant help but roll my eyes a little. I know they’re just being cute talking to her like that but after my long hectic day, it just feels wrong that they dont acknowledge me but quickly run to get my baby and those words pop out.

When everyones getting sick no one asks if I got whats going around. But they ask if Layla is showing any symptoms of the cold. the concern in their voice is without a doubt the most sincere. They love her to death. My 17 year old brother says hes going to buy her a hello kitty power wheels corvette when shes a little older. My sister is itching to buy her all sorts of toys but is holding herself back until she can at least grasp them. My dad said he’ll more than likely buy her an ipad mini or a cell phone if she asks him for one. Its going to be hard to keep her from being a “princess” with my family but I’ll at least try to make her a princess that can kick some ass.

Anyway I love Layla and I love that everyone loves my baby…but I just started noticing that it seems like I dont even exist to anyone anymore. Im just that person that works way too much, sleeps too little, and no one notices.

I guess I kind of wish there was at least ONE person who would put their hand on my shoulder from time to time and say “I know how you feel and I care about you.” Okay maybe I sound really cheezy and weird. ugh.

Sometimes Im scared that Im making all these sacrifices for Layla, to care for her, to be with her, to protect her, to provide for her….and what if she hates me one day? that really upsets me. I’ve never loved anyone more, or cared for anyone more. I guess I feel vulnerable. and it sucks. I dont think I would ever put myself in this position for a guy. but I do it for my baby.

Well Im going to go take a shower. My mom says she’ll watch Layla while I shower. Im sure this shower will feel like the spa treatment of a lifetime with angels singing.

By the way my mom absolutely adored the ring my dad gave her. OF COURSE SHE DID…I helped pick it, and i know exactly what she likes. plus Im a girl. girls know what girls like 😉

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My brother David, me and Layla at our family reunion over the weekend.

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2 Responses to “Life of A Single Working Mom”

  1. Arica June 5, 2013 at 5:01 am #

    Your post is almost too truthful. I am still hopefully quite a ways from where you are in life; just close enough to find such thoughts both daunting and fateful. I suppose every girl fears at one point that there will come a time instead being known as herself, she will instead be called “someone’s wife” or “someone’s mother”. I imagine it feels like a rather violent loss of identity,

    Keep writing. If nothing else, it’ll keep you sane, and truly, we could all use such stark honesty and your generosity in your willingness to share these private thoughts.

    Hope you have a better day,

    aixArica

    • rainbows123 June 7, 2013 at 6:33 am #

      yes, you are absolutely right — it feels like a violent loss of identity but im coping with it. Im trying to be understanding of it and tell myself that maybe, just maybe, I can get people to see that I am still an individual person.
      and thaaanks…writing definitely keeps me sane. well at least I think it does! 🙂

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