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MOMMY TALK

3 Aug

I haven’t written in a long while — which makes me feel bad because there’s SO much going on in my life and i want to write it all down before i forget it forever. then i end up telling a story where i cant remember what really happened. See this is why couples end up with different stories 20 years later! he thinks theyve been married 23 years and she insists its 25 (although I would lean more towards believing a woman since were more peculiar about important dates.)

But where oh where is the time when youre a single full-time working mother?? I barely have time to eat sometimes!

Anyway, I want to document something special about Layla…

She will be 6 months old soon, and she is the most amazing little human being i have ever met. It feels wonderful that I get to see her every day if only for a few hours. It was hard leaving her with my mom, and not getting to see her all day. At first I felt mad at the universe and thought, “I cant even raise my own damn daughter.” I was just pissed that other moms get to see there babies all day, and unfortunately I cant because I have to work. But I came to terms with it. I accept it now and Im just happy I have someone very special to come home to. Plus I know Layla is well taken care of with my mom and she really LOVES my mom — she always get sooooo happy when she hears my moms voice.

Shes lost some of her baby fat since i started pumping. I realized i was over producing and over feeding her.  I think she also stretched out a little. I know babies get cuter as they get bigger and I dont know if its just motherly love but i just think Layla is gorgeous. her little face just takes my breath away. especially in the mornings when i wake up next to her and shes sleeping like a little diva.

she gets a ton of attention every time we go out somewhere — people just go nuts over her! strangers just seem to fall in love with her. my brother actually told me –get this— “I dont know how you did it but you have the cutest baby in the world.” well thanks for the insult/compliment haha!

My dad just loves her to pieces. shes his pride and joy.

Layla can now turn over rapidly, has two bottom teeth, and loves grasping objects.  She’s a very bright girl. When she wants to be carried, she doesnt cry — she fake coughs. being her mom, i know when shes really coughing and when shes not. she sounds like a really bad actress and makes these face expressions as if she hopes im buying it. when i lean over her and pretend to worry, she stops and then fake coughs a little more. As soon as i carry her I notice a little smile on her face and i chuckle a little, to which she just full out starts laughing like she knows what she did!

Her hair has grown so much i actually had to cut it. I kept it in a little plastic bag. Im not very sentimental to things like hair or teeth but for some reason I just couldnt throw away her hair! ugh. Im officially a mom i guess. *snorts

Can you believe megan fox is preggo again????! what!!! you hear of all these other stars waiting until theyre 30 and 40 to finally have children but not megan fox. I guess shes not as vain as she seems huh?

Im actually excited about my friends getting pregnant now! I couldnt care less before I was a mom. I mean, sure it was cool “someone was going to have a baby”. BUT NOW its like “OMYGOD!!! YOURE PREGNANT!!! LOL!!!” *tears

why am i so emotional about that? sheesh i weird myself out.

Im still breastfeeding, even though Ive gotten plugged ducts twice and mastitis once. hey im the first in my family to breastfeed so im learning as i go. ive learned though that pure cranberry juice from a health store is a breast feeding mothers best friend 🙂 drink that at the first signs of a plugged duct and youll be just fine.

Oh and layla has tried biting me while i nurse her but i just push her face against my boob for a second so she cant breath and she releases her chompers right away. problem solved.

I have to say the first few months of being a new mom are HARD but its finally getting to the point where i am just THRILLED to be a mom.

 

Precious Moments

2 Jul

I just want more time to love my baby. I love laying with her on my bed breastfeeding her with the window open and the cool breeze blowing in (i live in a rural area and dont have neighbors.) As she lays next to me, she has one arm behind her head, completely relaxed and her other little hand clutches my breast as if to make sure no one takes her food from her. Her little legs are slightly crossed, her tiny toes touching my legs. Her skin is so baby soft and smooth. I love to take her little hand and run my fingers over it sometimes. Its amazing how small her hand is compared to mine. But its more than that. I marvel at how beautiful her little fingers are. I just love them.
I kiss her forehead gently as she starts to fall asleep while nursing. Sometimes I sing the itsy bitsy spider to her, but I forget the words and end up humming it.
I really need to learn the words to these nursery songs haha.
Work was hectic today just because layla is teething and was screaming/crying all day at the office. I was on the phone with our computer tech when she started crying so loud that I could no longer hear him. I apologized, and then quickly hung up. I didnt even wait for him to say good bye. I decided to take her home early and we watched a movie together at home- Some country movie with gwyneth paltrow and leighton meester. It was pretty sad…made me cry at the end. But hey at least I got to watch a whole movie today!
Hopefully layla has a better day tommorow-she seemed like she was in alot of pain today, poor thing. I hope her two bottom teeth cut through soon-shes gonna look so cute with her lil chompers haha!

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Getting our outfits ready for work in the morning

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Her first doll

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My lil sunshine

IT TAKES ALOT OF BALLS

29 Jun

I realized something the other day..

 

I can write more freely in my personal diary vs the one here online…mostly because alot of things that happen in my life are too risky to write about. For example, Laylas dad emailed me two weeks ago. I cant go into details but basically I feel like im katie holmes and hes tom cruise. They are very smart and dangerous…we comunicated nicely though, no verbal attacks. People would be shocked though if they knew whats really going on…and who laylas dad really is.

But enough about that. a few days ago I had SUCH  bad day and meant to blog about it but of course didnt have time.

It started the night before when my mom brought up bad memories of me and laylas dad, I guess in an effort to remind me and ensure I never go back. Ive told her many times that I would never do that and to please not bring up bad memories because they really hurt me. she does it anyway. You see as bad as things were I dont hate him, because if I hated him I would be hurting myself. So I went to sleep sad after everything my mom told me.

The next day, I drove to work with layla, feeling overwhelmed with all the work that awaited me, and all the other things I mentally had to schedule. As soon as I got to work I got in trouble for parking in the wrong spot. then the fax machine wouldnt work and I had to get some faxes sent out imeadiatly. I had a stack of work I was behind on and layla was being difficult. I was so stressed out and tried not to cry. I try so hard doing two jobs at the same time but its reeeeally overwhelming! Then I had to rush home at 2 pm for my bible study. The person who studies with me is so nice. I think shes one of the few people that understands me. She hand crocheted a bib for layla in mint color-i loved it!

After she left, I had to do laundry, changed laylas diaper again, feed her, play with her, and write down a to-do list and reminders. I also took layla a bath. I barely have time to eat. Usually im wolfing down the food before she starts to cry again.

I never watch a full show or movie anymore. I just get snipets here or there. There is no “me time”. On top of everything im worried about laylas dad, I have to read a book for laylas health and well being, and I am planning a beach party.

It takes alot of balls to live in my shoes. Just sayin.

 

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I Apologize

26 Jun

To the people who are not blind:

I apologize for not plucking my eyebrows frequently enough. Id get them waxed but I dont even have time for that..and maybe I’d like to save those $10.

I apologize for wearing a dress and having baby hairs on my legs–I sincerely hope I was too far away from you to notice.

I apologize for wearing sandals and not painting my toe nails–I realize I look like an earthy hippie who should be wearing Birkenstocks.

I apologize for having messy hair days and some no-make up days. I feel for you, I do.

I apologize If I dont always smell good–hopefully my body spray and thin mints do the trick. If not, please step away slowly. Ill pretend I dont notice.

I apologize If what I wear doesnt always match–like wearing a navy blue tank top with a black and white button down (whaaat? was I half asleep when I picked that to wear?! um, actually yes I was!)

I DONT APOLOGIZE for spending my small amount of free time cuddling and singing to my little girl.

I dont apologize for playing on the floor with her, and tickling her tummy, enjoying the heck out of her chubby cheeks and thighs. gazing at her loving eyes, and enjoying her innocent giggles.

Sometimes there are better things in life for which I must sacrifice my time for.

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I Got Pulled Over By A Cop

9 Jun

He was right behind me as I pulled into the exit I take to go home.  I was going at the speed limit required when suddenly I see the red and blue lights flashing behind me. my jaw dropped open in astonishment. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN ME! what did i do?? I couldn’t pull over because we were reaching a curve so he used his loud speaker to tell me to pull over after the curve. When he came up to my window he asked what was going on with my registration — my stickers were expired. Ohhhhh...that. 

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Somehow I always feel like Im going to be taken to jail when I get pulled over. When I was 5, I thought the cops came to  my house looking to take me to jail because I had stolen a small candy at the store. I quickly ran and hid under my bed and prayed to Jesus. They were there to ask questions about some neighbors. Im just paranoid I guess.

Anyway the cop gave me a “fix it ticket”. I guess thats not such a bad thing. It doesnt sound so bad anyway. I just have to fix it right? I swear though, he must’ve been bored. Cops get bored up in this small town. He was so bored he noticed my sticker. ugh. but whatever I guess I’ll get my registration fixed. Honestly though I have no luck with cops!  I suck at getting out of tickets! Like, how do other girls do it???

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Anyway, Laylas swing stopped working because the batteries went dead. As I changed them out while she sat in her swing, a huge D size battery fell and hit my foot. OW ! that hurt! but my mom who was standing by just said, “Oh, Im glad it didn’t hit Layla. You should be more careful — you could’ve hit her!” I got a little annoyed that no one cared about my hurt foot. “yes I know, Ill be more careful…” I said in a sullen voice. I dont want to feel this way, but gosh no one cares if my foot gets hit by a 10 pound battery??? You know I am still alive people ! I feel things too!

Layla started teething FOR SURE this week. Shes been munching on her fingers and drooling. I really think the amber necklace is working though — She had been so grumpy and fussy for days. then I put the necklace on her and WU-ALA! she’s back to her smiley happy self. She seems to be in discomfort at times but overall its a big improvement from past days. If you’re not familiar with the amber necklace, its a natural analgesic that releases succinic acid through the amber beads when the heat of your body touches them. Its a natural pain reliever. Recently Miranda Kerr’s son was seen wearing an Amber necklace. Isnt he cute?? In my opinion he had no choice with the parents he has!

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After work yesterday I stopped by the little grocery store close to where I live to buy Layla some teething toys. She didnt have any toys until now because it seemed like a waste of money. So it felt kind of special to buy her some toys for the first time. We must’ve stood in front of all the baby toys forever trying to choose the best ones. I wanted to get Layla a cute sippy cup but I held myself back –shes not there yet. the time will come for sippy cup shopping.

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showing off her two-pack

I chose a ring of colorful keys, and a pink teething rattle. As I stood in line to pay, the guy behind me looked me in the eye and asked how my day was. It was refreshing for a stranger to ask me, I’ll admit. But then again thats how people are in this small town — very friendly. When I saw him limping on a leg I just had to ask what happened. Turns out he fell out of a moving vehicle going at 40 MPH. His foot looked black and purple, and his arms and shoulders were badly hurt, but the blood looked like it had dried up already. His girlfriend laughed it off — she was the one driving. Soon everyone joined in the conversation — the tall obese bearded man and his obese wife wearing a low cut tank top standing in our line, the tan guy with the piercings, the lady with a small child in front of me, and the check out ladies. The guy with the piercings made jokes that he should stop saying he fell out of a car and just admit his girlfriend beat him. ha ha…I love my small little town.

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“OMYGossssh…what is this marvelous thing?!”

When I got home my mom put some tequila on Laylas gums to soothe her. It worked really well. Layla was happy after that. I was going to use hylands teething tablets but after the news that came out about recalls I just dont feel good about using them anymore — even if the recall problem was ‘fixed’. Tequila is typically used in mexico to soothe babies gums when their teething. I am not thrilled to use Tequila but it beats using the hyland tablets.

I think she’s on the verge of making sounds. Today she looked at me and said, “Ahgoo..” She seemed pretty proud of herself. I cant wait till she says “mama” !!!

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you wouldn’t believe it but a friend actually told me the other day, “I know how you must feel. you do so much — you work and take care of your baby.” She nodded her head and looked at me compassionately. I hadn’t even told her what I was going through and she said that to me! I felt like something was lifted off of me just hearing her sympathetic words. It was just a few simple words…but they revitalized me. Someone knew what I was feeling and acknowledged it. That is all I wanted.

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Me and Layla leaving for work in the morning

Last night something freaky happened —or should I say early this morning at 2 am. I was up feeding Layla and going through the local news on my phone *which by the way I got a Galaxy S ll!!! so excited –the camera is incredible!!! anyway, I read that Richard Ramirez died from health complications in jail. I didnt know who he was until I came across that news article. Turns out he was the most feared serial killer in southern California in the 80’s. He is super freaky looking and so is the woman who later married him while he was in jail. I got chills reading everything about him. Maybe I shouldn’t be reading this at 2 am I thought to myself. But I was intrigued. How did I not know about this infamous serial killer ? A few minutes later my dog started barking loudly. It was strange for her to bark inside the house at 2 am. Shes usually asleep on the couch until the morning.

I opened the door to my room, and saw her barking at something in the hallway close to my door. But there was nothing there. She looked scared so I let her come in my room. she walked around my room looking unsettled. I rubbed her tummy to calm her. Still she breathed heavily with her tounge out and her chest heaving. Id never seen her like this. she looked really scared. to be honest I felt a little bit of chills too. I got up and turned my lamp on and looked for my bible. As soon as I started reading Psalms out loud, my dog seemed to calm down and fell asleep within a few minutes.

I dont know what all that was about but I dont think I should read about serial killers at 2 am anymore.

My parents and I are going to visit people we know from our old home town tomorrow. I haven’t been back in years. So its a little nerve wrecking. Somehow there was always a rumor about me floating around. And then I gave people things to talk about too– which only made things worse. When one person let out the gossip that I was pregnant last year, it went around like a forest fire. Which I was not pleased about but I just shrugged it off. I guess I would be proud if I had been married and pregnant but I was, and still am, single. I didn’t want their pity.

Anyway I am not thrilled about facing the crowd as a single mom. It makes me feel like a failure. They’ll all be looking at what Im wearing and how I look post baby and wondering why Im single. But you know what? Who cares if they look down on me. I’ll just focus on the people who are genuinely happy to see me. I know I dont have to go but I know my dad wants me and my baby to go and I want him to be happy. Im pretty sure he just wants to show Layla off ha ha.

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Life of A Single Working Mom

5 Jun

I’ll be honest and to the point: I feel neglected.

I work hard to keep my parents happy at home, even if that means taking on some of their responsibilities, or putting what I have to do aside to spend family time with them. I honestly dont feel like I have time to sit down AT ALL with the list of things i have to do. When I do sit down, I feel guilty about it. I long for the day when I wont feel guilty about sitting down to relax. I dont even think I really relax when Im supposed to relax now that I think of it…

Anyway, Ive gotten very little sleep as of lately because Layla has started teething and wakes me up numerous times in the wee hours of the morning. Then I have to get up early for work, even though my body is screaming NO. today my dad asked me to come in earlier since my sister was sick and wouldn’t be at the office. So I had to wake up an hour earlier. that sure felt nice.

Once at work I have to multi task between inputting data in the computer, (with piles of invoices piling up faster and faster) making numerous phone calls and nursing Layla, changing her diapers, giving her attention, as well as snapping some pictures of her adorable moments since they are oh so fleeting.

It sounds nice but the reality is that Im usually really stressed out, playing catch up with my office work, holding layla on my lap, with a phone to my ear, and somehow trying to write something down, while holding the phone between neck and shoulder while Layla is being noisy and throwing a fit.

I work over-time almost every day trying to catch up on my work since Layla takes up so much of my time. At the same time Im torn with the thought of leaving her at home and not seeing her for 8 hours! thats a huge chunk of the day! SO i just suck it up. put my big girl panties on.

I have to ask myself though: when do I get to really breath? I guess not any time soon.

I feel exhausted.

Today I could barely walk from exhaustion. I wish someone noticed.

I wish someone asked, “Oh how do you feel?”

but no one ever asks me. they all immediately go towards Layla to pick her up. Then they say things to her like, “oh poor baby must be soooo tired!” uh-huh. I cant help but roll my eyes a little. I know they’re just being cute talking to her like that but after my long hectic day, it just feels wrong that they dont acknowledge me but quickly run to get my baby and those words pop out.

When everyones getting sick no one asks if I got whats going around. But they ask if Layla is showing any symptoms of the cold. the concern in their voice is without a doubt the most sincere. They love her to death. My 17 year old brother says hes going to buy her a hello kitty power wheels corvette when shes a little older. My sister is itching to buy her all sorts of toys but is holding herself back until she can at least grasp them. My dad said he’ll more than likely buy her an ipad mini or a cell phone if she asks him for one. Its going to be hard to keep her from being a “princess” with my family but I’ll at least try to make her a princess that can kick some ass.

Anyway I love Layla and I love that everyone loves my baby…but I just started noticing that it seems like I dont even exist to anyone anymore. Im just that person that works way too much, sleeps too little, and no one notices.

I guess I kind of wish there was at least ONE person who would put their hand on my shoulder from time to time and say “I know how you feel and I care about you.” Okay maybe I sound really cheezy and weird. ugh.

Sometimes Im scared that Im making all these sacrifices for Layla, to care for her, to be with her, to protect her, to provide for her….and what if she hates me one day? that really upsets me. I’ve never loved anyone more, or cared for anyone more. I guess I feel vulnerable. and it sucks. I dont think I would ever put myself in this position for a guy. but I do it for my baby.

Well Im going to go take a shower. My mom says she’ll watch Layla while I shower. Im sure this shower will feel like the spa treatment of a lifetime with angels singing.

By the way my mom absolutely adored the ring my dad gave her. OF COURSE SHE DID…I helped pick it, and i know exactly what she likes. plus Im a girl. girls know what girls like 😉

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My brother David, me and Layla at our family reunion over the weekend.

A Ring For My Mother

28 May

Im not dead but my phone is. I accidentally dropped it this weekend…it cracked, the screen doesn’t work, therefore I am declaring my phone dead….it took horrible pictures. I will not miss it.

 

Life has been CRAZY busy lately…..I love blogging, I just wish I had more time—seriously!

Just wanted to make a quick post to say that baby Layla has started alot of first’s in the past few days!! The one that really gets me is yesterdays–she started to giggle!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! it was ahh-DO-rable…*loud sigh. I love my baby =) Shes 3.5 months now.

This weekend is our first family reunion at my parents house (yes, we’ve never had one before. like ever.) my dad said we should have one before someone dies. eh. thats a good reason.

There is SO much were doing to our house to get it in tip top shape, as well as the landscaping. Its stressful but I think everything will look nice by this saturday. fingers crossed.

my dad is going to surprise my mom with a ring this saturday. She lost her wedding ring, and has wanted a new one for a while now. so he wants to get her one. I had to be sneaky and figure out her ring size. she doesnt suspect anything as of yet. I also want to go with my dad to help pick it out, since my mom is very picky about that kind of stuff.

I got this idea…..hopefully my dad likes it. We buy a broom, wrap it up in a box, and have my mom open it at the reunion in front of all our family. As soon as she sees what it is, her face will be priceless, but then my dad will come in with the real present, and everyone will laugh, and “ooh” and “ahh” over the ring.  what do you think?

Ok, well I gotta run and get ready for work, because me and my little one have to make that mula! hopefully Ill be able to blog again soon because I have words dying to pour outta me! who needs a shrink when you have a blog right?? haha, talk to you soon.

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my progress 3.5 weeks after having Layla. I dont diet or exercise, but I do breastfeed.

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Layla doing tummy time on my desk.

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she is SUCH a grandpas girl 😉

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this is how we work sometimes (no joke)

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my happy girl!!

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the love of my life.

 

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