Tag Archives: career

Precious Moments

2 Jul

I just want more time to love my baby. I love laying with her on my bed breastfeeding her with the window open and the cool breeze blowing in (i live in a rural area and dont have neighbors.) As she lays next to me, she has one arm behind her head, completely relaxed and her other little hand clutches my breast as if to make sure no one takes her food from her. Her little legs are slightly crossed, her tiny toes touching my legs. Her skin is so baby soft and smooth. I love to take her little hand and run my fingers over it sometimes. Its amazing how small her hand is compared to mine. But its more than that. I marvel at how beautiful her little fingers are. I just love them.
I kiss her forehead gently as she starts to fall asleep while nursing. Sometimes I sing the itsy bitsy spider to her, but I forget the words and end up humming it.
I really need to learn the words to these nursery songs haha.
Work was hectic today just because layla is teething and was screaming/crying all day at the office. I was on the phone with our computer tech when she started crying so loud that I could no longer hear him. I apologized, and then quickly hung up. I didnt even wait for him to say good bye. I decided to take her home early and we watched a movie together at home- Some country movie with gwyneth paltrow and leighton meester. It was pretty sad…made me cry at the end. But hey at least I got to watch a whole movie today!
Hopefully layla has a better day tommorow-she seemed like she was in alot of pain today, poor thing. I hope her two bottom teeth cut through soon-shes gonna look so cute with her lil chompers haha!

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Getting our outfits ready for work in the morning

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Her first doll

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My lil sunshine

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IT TAKES ALOT OF BALLS

29 Jun

I realized something the other day..

 

I can write more freely in my personal diary vs the one here online…mostly because alot of things that happen in my life are too risky to write about. For example, Laylas dad emailed me two weeks ago. I cant go into details but basically I feel like im katie holmes and hes tom cruise. They are very smart and dangerous…we comunicated nicely though, no verbal attacks. People would be shocked though if they knew whats really going on…and who laylas dad really is.

But enough about that. a few days ago I had SUCH  bad day and meant to blog about it but of course didnt have time.

It started the night before when my mom brought up bad memories of me and laylas dad, I guess in an effort to remind me and ensure I never go back. Ive told her many times that I would never do that and to please not bring up bad memories because they really hurt me. she does it anyway. You see as bad as things were I dont hate him, because if I hated him I would be hurting myself. So I went to sleep sad after everything my mom told me.

The next day, I drove to work with layla, feeling overwhelmed with all the work that awaited me, and all the other things I mentally had to schedule. As soon as I got to work I got in trouble for parking in the wrong spot. then the fax machine wouldnt work and I had to get some faxes sent out imeadiatly. I had a stack of work I was behind on and layla was being difficult. I was so stressed out and tried not to cry. I try so hard doing two jobs at the same time but its reeeeally overwhelming! Then I had to rush home at 2 pm for my bible study. The person who studies with me is so nice. I think shes one of the few people that understands me. She hand crocheted a bib for layla in mint color-i loved it!

After she left, I had to do laundry, changed laylas diaper again, feed her, play with her, and write down a to-do list and reminders. I also took layla a bath. I barely have time to eat. Usually im wolfing down the food before she starts to cry again.

I never watch a full show or movie anymore. I just get snipets here or there. There is no “me time”. On top of everything im worried about laylas dad, I have to read a book for laylas health and well being, and I am planning a beach party.

It takes alot of balls to live in my shoes. Just sayin.

 

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Taking My Baby To Work!

5 May

I started working for my dad this week. I LOVE taking little Layla with me to work. They’ve nicknamed her the “mini secretary”. But my dad jokingly says hes not going to pay her if she sleeps all day. Dont let that fool you though…even though she does nap alot, I still have to juggle changing her diaper multiple times, cleaning up her spit ups, and her feedings all in between office work. I also get around 6 hours of sleep on average. Its a little hard sometimes but Im just so grateful that I get to take her with me to work so I just try not to think about me.

My sister and little Layla hard at work 😉

My sister was surprised at how quickly I learned how to use their new computer program–So her and my brother decided to make me the new RO writer. Basically Ill be typing out the sales invoice and charging customers on top of my other duties. My sister told me my brother and dad had recently thought of hiring a “hot girl” to be the RO writer so customers wont argue the price. So I guess I should wear my hair down and sexy, wear heels, and use my woman power? at least my boobs are big right now because Im breastfeeding..maybe that’ll help.

My dad has been saying he wants to open a shoe store. I told him I’ll help him with it. Im already researching whole sale shoe vendors, and a business plan to get started. Im so excited. We want to sell shoes, purses, perfumes, and women’s accessories. With my help, I know it’ll be the best damn store ever.

—Changing the subject—-

Something Ive been thinking alot about lately is the fact that my ex has never seen his own daughter. I cant help but want for him to see her so bad. Especially since he kept asking me about her even after she was born. but I feel like if I did that I would be opening pandoras box. What if he wanted some sort of custody? what if he wanted her over night?? What if he started threatening me again to take her from me? I just get so scared thinking of all that. But I hate that he has never seen his own daughter. And its going to be hard when Layla starts asking about her daddy. I honestly still dont know what Ill tell her.

On to other news, my parents came back from their trip and brought back goodies for me and Layla:

her first little purse from her grandpa and grandma.

they bought her a silver spoon lol! oh man. theres no stopping them is there?

I LOVE this little dress they got her. its adorable!!

The earrings my mom and dad got me.

and a bracelet 🙂

The next day after arriving, my mom and uncle got in a car accident. A 24 year old guy crashed into them from behind because he was distracted—he was texting while driving. He was driving at 60 MPH when he hit them from behind.  The impact was really strong, since my mom had completely stopped and was waiting to turn.

My poor uncle suffered some wounds to his arm, and my mom had some neck pain. they were both taken to a hospital to be looked at. something really important to do after a car accident is to start taking joint cartilage building capsules to help your body recover. without them, the body stiffness usually felt after a car accident could develop into more serious complications.

Anyway, I was at work when my mom called me to tell she had just been in an accident and needed to get ahold of my dad. my heart started racing. I quickly let my dad know, and he notified the police, the insurance company and went out to the scene of the accident where my mom and uncle were at. Im so glad shes ok, but moments like that really get you thinking how fragile life is.

At the towing yard getting my belongings out.

The good thing is my mom will get a new car. I hated that mini van. No offense to mini van drivers out there. But my mom needed a new car. She doesn’t even have small children anymore! That mini van has suffered through all my little brothers messes, from a soda can exploding, a bottle of chlorox spilling, dirt, wear and all kinds of other gooey spillings. Sianora mini van! I wont miss you! (I hope my mom gets a cool new car. shes a hot grandma. She should be driving a four door car.)

My mom stopping by the office

Onto this weeks Idol news: As you may know Amber went home. She cried at the end of the show. I know she wanted to win really bad but look at Jennifer Hudson–she was 4th place too, and now she has an Oscar. So theres still hope!! I loved when Ryan Seacrest spotted out baby face in the crowd. My jaw literally dropped. maybe because I listen to his song only every single day! It seriously calms Layla down while I drive. I love it. I could use white noise but listening to actual music is even nicer. and what better than classic 90’s baby face songs?? :]

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I also got my baby girls ears pierced this week! finally! I had been wanting to do that for the past month. She cried for a few seconds, but mostly I think she was just stunned. there were no actual tears and as soon as she heard my voice she stopped crying. Still though, I’ll admit, when I first heard her high pitched cry, I wanted to cry too. It sounds silly but I guess its a parent thing.

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all done!

my baby girl is BLING BLINGIN now! **

my little monkey

After I got her ears pierced I picked up some things from Target:

some baby leggings–arent these cute??

soothies pacifiers! she actually liked these! now she can start to self soothe and I dont have to worry that Im over feeding her.

I picked up some picture frames to hang on a narrow wall in my room.

I also got this cool mirror so I can see Layla while Im driving now.

I had this dream last night that I lost her. It was the most awful feeling I’ve ever felt!! my mom kept asking me in my dream “Why’d you leave her out of your sight?!” I kept looking around in panic. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore, so I made myself wake up just to make sure she was next to me. (yes, I can make myself wake up when Im having a bad dream.) It was such a relief to wake up and see her sleeping soundly next to me. I cant even begin to explain how much I love her. She makes me smile all the time. being a mom is awesome!

My sister is going to try to get pregnant through IVF. Its going to cost her around $10,000 and they’re going to pick the gender. I really hope it works for her. She wants a baby girl so badly. She has a great relationship with her boyfriend, the kind most people would wish for. all their missing now is their bundle of joy. Its funny because I have my bundle of joy, and Its the greatest thing in the world, but I dont have a love life. So when I hear about her and her boyfriend and all the cute things they do, and how they still feel butterflies even 4 years later, its kind of nostalgic for me. Im happy for her, but I guess I kind of miss being in love. oh well. cant have it all. Im just lucky to have my little Layla.

Im off to bed with my little pumkin. hugs and kisses from Cali! 🙂

 

 

My Car Got Repoed

1 Feb

I kept telling my brother they were going to take my car away.

He kept telling me, “They dont know where you live.”

“Even if they dont know where i live right now, they can find out, and besides its just not responsible.”

He gave me a small amount of $200 last week to make a car payment. my car payment is $300 and im behind 3 months.

“Can i have another $100 so i can at least make one full payment?” I asked him.

“NO!” he said bewildered, “I cant give you more-Im really tight right now!”

fine…I thought, I’ll just have to wait until next week so i can at least make one full car payment. 

come to find out, my brother went shopping the next day and bought himself a new $100 GUESS jacket at the mall.

“Yeah” because things are “really tight.”

I’ve been so upset and stressed out over my car being taken away, that I worry I might go into labor. I tell myself to take a deep breath and relax but my heart cant stop racing. So i mentally tell my baby, “You will not come yet, do you understand?” I hope she listens to me. I know that at 36 weeks they have a 90% chance of surviving without almost any medical intervention, but I just dont want to remember having my baby the day my car got taken away. It  wouldnt be a good memory, and im far from feeling relaxed and happy right now, which im sure would affect my chances of having a good labor expereince—especially since i want to do a hypno birth and thats all about letting go of anything negative in your life. I also would like to have everything straightened out with my car before she comes–it might be a nesting thing,  but it would ease my mind to know everythings ok before i have my baby, instead of having her, and having to deal with a repo company, the sherriffs department, the DMV, my car company, and an insurance company when im supposed to be home recovering and enjoying my newborn baby. I guess it would be a good time to do breathing and relaxation exercises but EVERY TIME i think about my car and everything I have to do to get it back, my heart starts racing again.

This morning I was getting ready to listen to my hypno birthing relaxation CDs and read the rest of my hypno birthing book in preparation for labor when my mom called me letting me know the repo guy had been at my parents house looking for me. I called my brother right away and told him. He said he would call me right back. So I waited. And I waited. After 20 minutes, I called him to see what he was thinking of doing.  I was stressed, nervous, and worried. He didnt answer his phone—which was weird because he always answers my calls.

A few minutes later the Repo guy shows up at my door. UH-OH. He tells me my car is already hooked up and once he hooks it up theres nothing that can be done. He has to take it. I called my brother immediately and this time he answered. I told him the repo guy was right outside and was going to take my car away.

“David I need my car!!” I cried into the phone, “You SAID you were going to help me! You said everything would be taken care of!”

His response: “Yeah, but i dont have any money right now.” There didn’t seem to be any concern in his tone.

“But you said you were going to help me back in September! You had so much time since then! and when I told you my car payment was due in november you told me youd give me the money in December, and when December came you told me you would pay everything in January, and now look what happened!!”

His response: “Yeah but I dont have any money right now.”

“Well you got to do something! You told me you would help me out!”

“Well I dont have any money,” He repeated in a flat tone.

“Well cant you call our dad or something?!” I was taken aback at the fact that he didnt seem to know what to do or say to fix the hole he got me into. First he tells me everything will be alright, then he throws me in a hole, and once im in the hole, he abandons me.

“No,” he said, “You have to call him. Its you’re car.”

“Yeah but you were supposed to have taken care of everything remember??” I didnt understand why he wanted me to go through the embarassment of calling my dad and asking him for money, all because he mispent the money he shouldve used to pay my car.

“Well you have to call him,” He said flatly.

“Ok. fine…” I said between my teeth and hung up.

In case you’re wondering, I am not the type of person to spit out nasty hurtful things when Im mad or upset at someone. thats not to say I cant, because If I wanted to I could say some of the worst things that would break a person into pieces but I dont think anyone deserves to be striped of their dignity. I also like to remain as focused as possible during a stressful situation so I can think and act with logic instead of with flared up emotions. besides, saying hurtful mean things to people just because you’re upset isn’t very classy in my book.

While the relationship between me and my dad has improved tremendously, I still hate asking him for help. I dont think that’ll ever change. I just dont think its responsible to run to daddy for money or help when it could be avoided.

Today my brother left me no choice.

I called my dad and told him what was going on. He quickly sent my brother over with a check, and asked me to put the repo guy on the phone. unfortunately the repo guy was still going to take my car. I cried. Not loudly–I mostly sniffle and wipe tears away and bite my lower lip when i cry. I could tell the repo guy felt bad to see a pregnant girl cry but alas, its his job and he has to feed his kids.

I was on the phone with my car company after my car got taken away and they gave me instructions on what I have to do in order to get my car back.  I cried while i was on the phone with the customer service girl. Which Im sorry about, because I could tell she felt a little awkward but i simply couldnt contain myself when she ran down a list of all the hoops i would have to jump through to get my car back. Primarily, it was having to show proof of full coverage insurance and a valid drivers licence that made the tears come pouring down.

My car insurance got cancelled recently due to non-payment and even if I still had it, it was not full coverage since I couldnt afford it.

And my drivers license? I dont have one because my wallet was stolen two months ago, and while I would love to get my drivers licence back, I know I would firstly have to pay for my expired car tags which are $300.

So Im looking at an extra $1,200 on top of the $1,300 I owe my car company for 3 months of non-payment, late fees, and repo fees.

granted none of it will come from my pocket, especially since Im not working right now because im on disability leave (I still havent received my first paycheck, although honestly Im thinking it’ll just be pennies since I didnt make much at my last job.) But just because the money isnt coming from my pockets doesnt mean Im going to put my feet up and whistle a happy tune. Im upset about my dad having to use his money to help me, and Im upset at the charges that will be spent unnecessarily. Its money thats basically being thrown away all because of carelessness/irresponsibility.

My parents have been planning on putting wood flooring in their house and that is not cheap. To think that this money could’ve gone toward that but instead its going towards my car because of my irresponsible brother really upsets me.

I feel frustrated that I am depending on my brother. I recognize that he is not mature or responsible, and he has a spending problem. He doesnt like to think about budgeting money. He simply likes to think that more money will fall from the sky and solve his problems. This doesnt make him a bad person. He has a good heart, and good intentions. Unfortunately no one has ever lived off of either of those two things.

I dont ever in my life want to depend on anyone again. I cant wait for the day where what i make is enough to sustain me and my baby without depending on anyone else.

I know It’ll happen, but for the moment this is my life:

I currently have to deal with the fact that my car is gone and I have to go through a lot of hassle to get it back.

being 36 weeks (9 months) pregnant and having to take this on right now is not my idea of fun.

If there is a person you can count on in your life, then you, my friend…are lucky.

You should go hug the heck out of them. squeeze ’em till they cant breath. Heck, at least give them a high five for me. 

People you can truly count on in this life, are hero’s in my book…

I told my boss I’m pregnant…and he didnt fire me!

18 Aug

So….I finnally did it.

God was it hard. I felt like my heart was going to explode and jump out of me, running for its dear life. I kept thinking of postponing it but being the brave girl I am, I got up and walked over to my boss and his wife (who is my manager) and asked if i could speak with them before they left for the day. My boss calmly said “sure” as he looked up from his cell phone. It was the end of the day and he was relaxed in a chair, with one leg over the other, looking at his text messages.

It was the perfect time and he seemed to be in a good mood unlike the day before when all chaos broke in the office and we were all stressed beyond relief. phone lines were ringing, clients kept coming in, and the demand was almost more than what we could supply. I guess thats what happens when a new law passes and everyone is eager to get a slice of the pie.

But today was more normal again. THANK GOD.

Still, i had made up my mind that i would quit. I mean it just wasnt fair to my boss to train me and take my newbie mistakes for a few months only so he would have to train someone else all over again. He and his wife were so good to me, and I just felt like I couldnt do that to them. I would quit voluntarily. I couldn’t help feeling sad though, because for the first time in my life, I finnally found a job i liked, and everyone i work with is great—I mean, that is really rare! especially in my expereince of the past 27 jobs I’ve had! Beleive me i know horrible bosses haha…and evil co-workers!

Once in his office, I looked at my boss and then my manager and said, “I wanted to wait until you were both here, so i could tell you both together.” (my manager had gone to Korea for the past few weeks)

Then I said it.

“Im pregnant.”

I looked down, and swallowed hard, preparing my next line, but felt something stuck in my throat.

“Thats GREAT! Congratulations!” My boss exclaimed before i could say anything else.

I looked up confused, then I shook my head and looked down again, fighting back tears. “No….Its not so great for me,” I said in complete anguish.

“why not?” He asked.

“Because…Im pregnant!” I cried, “and you gave me such a great opportunity here and now i cant take advantage of it, because ill be having a baby soon. And I just dont think its fair to you.”

“So?? You’ll work here a little longer until youre ready to leave-you just wont get maternity leave because you havent worked here long enough, but you’ll have the baby-meanwhile we’ll hire someone to replace you until you come back. Im sure you plan on working some time after the baby is born right? so when youre ready you can come back and have youre job waiting here.”

I looked up with teary eyes. “really??”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Were not gonna fire you because youre pregnant!” He smiled at me and then added, “This is expected when we hire people. I mean people have babies! and were all a family here, so we want you to have a healthy pregnancy, ten toes and ten fingers.” He then asked if I had insurance, If I knew the gender and congratulated me again at the end. His wife sitting next to me just nodded and smiled.

“Thank you so much. I didnt expect youd be so understanding. I really appreaciate it,” I said. As i walked out of their office I felt such a relief! WOW. well that went better than the nightmare I had seen in my head.

After work I bought my first set of maternity clothes–my very first maternity skinny jeans. wow I never thought Id ever wear those. But I will promise you one thing: I will make this pregnancy look as fashionable as possible. I

My now fiance is still in New York. I miss him so much. He was debating which record label to sign for, and had a meeting with both yesterday. He said the meeting was succesful but I havent asked him who he signed with yet. His life has been a whirlwind since he got to NY. Hes either in meetings, recording songs or training with Michael Jacksons vocal coach. He told me he would call me tonight though, after his vocal lessons. I cant wait to hear all about his crazy life over there. Hes completely stoked. Its surreal for both of us. Honestly I dont know if I would go back to work after having my baby. I mean my life is so crazy I dont know whats going to happen.

My fiance might be the next super star and Ill live in a mansion… or he might decide to come home and work in the oil fields and we’ll just have an average american life. The coin can toss either way, so for now, Im keeping my job and learning as much as I can because for all I know, I could be going back to work after the baby is born.

At least now I can I flaunt my baby bump at work and not stress over it anymore! PHEW!

 

Were Getting Married!!

14 Aug

so where was I this sunny saturday? out with friends at the beach? enjoying an icecream cone? catching a new movie?

No.

I was in my room, sleeping the afternoon away out of misery and depression. What was i going to do? alone, pregnant and with a career now on the line? I just wanted to cover my face with my pillow and never wake up.

A few hours later i woke up to a text from my bf. He was in New York, and was offered a record deal by some of the most influential people in the music industry. Of course i was really excited for him. Hes been wanting this for so long and its finally happening! We were so excited and happy! Then he asked me to marry him again…

I told him Id only marry him on the condition that we’d do it right away, since i cant trust that he wont break things off. “Lets do it then!” He said excitedly. “As soon as i get back from the grammys we’ll get married!” He told me he loved me and realized he wanted to marry me when he got to New York, and all he could think of was me. That was his “aha” moment where he knew I was “the one” for him. He asked what was mine. “Mine happened a long time ago” i said, “starting with every break up we had, It hurt worse like hell and thats when I knew.” wow…I know, Im so romantic right? but I guess you dont realize how much you really love somebody until youre about to lose them…and I think thats what happened to him too.

We agreed to do a Vegas wedding when he comes back. Im still going to buy a really pretty wedding dress though, with the crown and veil 🙂 Im so excited! I love him so much. We stayed up talking on the phone for hours till the sun came up. He was so excited about everything that was happening to him and he gave me alot of credit for it. He said I believed in him and that i didnt realize how important I am to him. *awww [‘:

I think he loves me so much though because he knows I was with him before the success. He knows I would be there with him if he was rich or poor.

Well life looks different now…a wedding, a baby and a music career??! all in one? at the same time? Im finding myself dancing in my car to maxine nightengales “right back where we started from.” Im just so happy! I love my life right now.

for the first time in a long time, i feel like I have a reason to look up, smile at the sun, and dance. I will have a precious baby, who will have both parents, and ill get to take care of it instead of paying a neighbor to watch him/her.

So I guess this little baby in my tummy will be having a daddy 🙂  I still cant beleive im pregnant though! Im seriiiiiiious…I feel like “what is this bump on my stomach? is it a tumor??” I just cannot understand that a baby would be forming inside me O_0 ! I told my bf/fiance, when i have the baby im gonna be like, “WHoa! where did yOU come from??!” I just cant beleive it….

Oh boy…I wonder whats next in my life. Im almost afraid to take a peek but for now I am so happy and I want to enjoy this feeling 🙂

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