Tag Archives: diary

IT TAKES ALOT OF BALLS

29 Jun

I realized something the other day..

 

I can write more freely in my personal diary vs the one here online…mostly because alot of things that happen in my life are too risky to write about. For example, Laylas dad emailed me two weeks ago. I cant go into details but basically I feel like im katie holmes and hes tom cruise. They are very smart and dangerous…we comunicated nicely though, no verbal attacks. People would be shocked though if they knew whats really going on…and who laylas dad really is.

But enough about that. a few days ago I had SUCH  bad day and meant to blog about it but of course didnt have time.

It started the night before when my mom brought up bad memories of me and laylas dad, I guess in an effort to remind me and ensure I never go back. Ive told her many times that I would never do that and to please not bring up bad memories because they really hurt me. she does it anyway. You see as bad as things were I dont hate him, because if I hated him I would be hurting myself. So I went to sleep sad after everything my mom told me.

The next day, I drove to work with layla, feeling overwhelmed with all the work that awaited me, and all the other things I mentally had to schedule. As soon as I got to work I got in trouble for parking in the wrong spot. then the fax machine wouldnt work and I had to get some faxes sent out imeadiatly. I had a stack of work I was behind on and layla was being difficult. I was so stressed out and tried not to cry. I try so hard doing two jobs at the same time but its reeeeally overwhelming! Then I had to rush home at 2 pm for my bible study. The person who studies with me is so nice. I think shes one of the few people that understands me. She hand crocheted a bib for layla in mint color-i loved it!

After she left, I had to do laundry, changed laylas diaper again, feed her, play with her, and write down a to-do list and reminders. I also took layla a bath. I barely have time to eat. Usually im wolfing down the food before she starts to cry again.

I never watch a full show or movie anymore. I just get snipets here or there. There is no “me time”. On top of everything im worried about laylas dad, I have to read a book for laylas health and well being, and I am planning a beach party.

It takes alot of balls to live in my shoes. Just sayin.

 

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Life Is Like A Bowl Of Cherries

6 Oct

Ok not really. At least not my life! lol…my life is lemon filled. Sometimes its like a Lemon pie if I’m lucky. Other days its like a lemon. Right in your eye. with salt. and hot Tabasco sauce.

Yesterday was one of those days…

I saw my dad two days ago. I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year. He’s the person who beat me down verbally for many years.

I stopped talking to him and moved out. It kills him, that I wont talk to him…but it kills me to talk to him because hes so hurtful.

Anyway, the company I work for is a company he’s done a lot of business with over the years, so I guess I should’ve known I would see him one of these days but I was seriously hoping I wouldn’t. Then surprise surprise…He walked into the office right before I was leaving. He had a bright sunny smile on his face as he walked in. Then he saw me. There was a brief pause, a shock of surprise for both of us. I smiled politely and said, “Hey Dad.” He stared at me for a moment with his smile slowly fading. My boss then came up and acknowledged him, and I left.

As I drove away a lot of old feelings of not being perfect enough came up. One thing Ive learned about my Dad is that I will never be good enough in his eyes. I’m a “constant dissapointment to him.” That was back when I was living at home and could’ve easily been the poster girl for the 1950’s “goody-two-shoes.” I realized with the time there was nothing I could do to gain his approval. Nothing at all. And I gave up trying. No I didnt run out and get tattoos and a purple mullet hair cut. But I did move out, and start seeing a black guy. Now that I’m knocked up and single I wonder what he must think of me. Just “another disgrace” Im sure. As I drove, I got the sudden urge to cry. But I told myself I wouldn’t. I held it in and kept a straight face. I would not let his judgement keep affecting me anymore.

I went shopping and found Layla her “leaving the hospital” outfit at Gymboree. I also bought her some cute minnie mouse socks. It cheered me up a little to think of my baby girl.

The next day however, my boss asked me about the incident with my Dad. “I didnt know he was your father! Why didnt you two hug or something??” She asked. I couldnt tell her. I tried to play it off but she dug for more answers. Then she said it…I wish she wouldnt have. I didnt want to know.

She said after I left my Dad cried...He didnt know I was working there–no one had told him. He told my boss that we hadn’t spoken in a long time, “-and shes pregnant..” he cried to her. My boss said his lips quivered and she held his hand to comfort him. “He was really sad…” She said looking at me with her big puppy eyes. I knew she felt bad for him. everyone always does. See the thing about my dad is he can come across as the most charming man youve ever met. Hes also really emotional and cries more during sad movies than my mom does (its kind of embarassing sometimes.) BUT most people dont even have a clue how that guy could turn into someone else when the doors and curtains are shut.

Still though, I dont like putting our dirty laundry out there, and as much as he hurt me, I still dont want to damage his reputation. So I gave my boss a vague answer as to why I dont talk to him anymore. Still she wasnt letting it go. She kept mentioning how he cried. “Oh my dad…Hes so emotional,” I said trying to laugh it off. I think I came across as insensitive. I just didn’t want to open Pandora’s box and explode into a giant ball of unending mascara tears.

Truth is… It hurts to know my dad cried because I dont talk to him. I would LOVE to talk to my dad. I want a dad just as bad as he wants a daughter, but I know hes only going to hurt me. I already gave him a second chance in the past and he blew it.

The rest of the day I worked quietly, avoiding any thoughts about my Dad and my ex-fiance’. Its not easy going through a break up when your pregnant and then dealing with family drama. I sat at my desk assembling packets and told myself, “You are the luckiest girl in the world. You are the luckiest girl in the world. Everything in your life is fine and you are very happy.”

I know, I know. Its delusional lol…but you know what? It worked. It helped me keep my composure together.

The sad thing is my dad told my mom he saw me, and that he felt really normal about it. My mom asked how I felt. I lied and said I didn’t really feel anything. Truth is, it was emotional for the both of us but neither one is going to admit it. I guess we have some things in common.

I don’t know if Ill give him a third chance. Part of me wants to. The other part is scared.

Anyway, today was a much much better day!! I had lunch with my mom at Denny’s (we actually ordered the french toast breakfast though lol—hey there are no rules when it comes to food! Ive even had breakfast at night before and let me tell ya…it was awesome!) We had a nice time, laughing and talking. I honestly thank God for having her in my life.

This is random, but I just gotta say I prefer Denny’s over Ihop. I’ll take Ihop if there’s no Denny’s around, but in my opinion Denny’s makes better food. Ive tried the hashbrowns at both places and Denny’s totally wins..

At 5 pm my mom met me again for my ultrasound appointment. I got to see my precious little Layla again and MY GOD she has grown!!! I almost feel like shes my giga pet (remember those?!) and the more I feed it and take care of it, the more it grows–its just so exciting.

While my mom and I watched Layla on the screen, we saw her open and close her mouth and move her little legs around. “Did you see that??!” I would turn over excitedly and ask my mom. She just beamed with joy and shook her head as she stared at the monitor screen.

Now this might sound like bragging but she has such a cute little body! It looks like shes been working out in there!! I mean, WOW those are some lean shapely legs she has! not to mention a nicely shaped behind too! Again she didn’t get it from me *sigh. I wish. Must be from my Ex’s African American genes—His whole body is perfectly sculpted like a Greek statue.

*sigh. Too bad things didn’t work out between us. *deep sigh. *another sigh. I will miss that body. ='( *where are my tissues? *sniffle, sniffle.

Anyway, I’m glad I got to see my baby today. I cannot wait to hold her. Layla will be my little doll–I cant wait to dress her! I’m just so excited about her!! I’ve already bought her a TON of carters clothes that I got off of craigslist for a really good deal. I love getting good deals on clothes ^_^ I am not going to spend a fortune on clothes she will grow out of by the time I’m done sneezing lol..

My little Layla:

Her “leaving the hospital” outfit:

Bump pic from today:

I cant wait to see my little doll–4 more months! I’ve never been more excited about anything in my life =) !

Breaking Up and Moving On

3 Oct

Work life: Great. I now work in an office directly with my boss and her little white Maltese named buttons (shes an ex show dog.) Im her assistant, and we do lien sales for vehicles and trucks. I really really like my new boss. After going through a million bosses, I can honestly say shes one of the few bosses everyone wishes they had.

Love life: negative. I am on my own commander. I finally realized my ex-fiance has some kind of mental illness. He loves me but every week something in his brain flips and he accuses me of things I didn’t do (usually flirting or cheating.) If his mind thinks it, he believes it–no proof needed. He’ll then say things he’ll later regret. I’ll cry, then he apologizes and tries to make up. I’ve told him before that if hes making things up just to get out of being a father, then he doesnt need to make anything up. he can just go. He got mad though, and said he’ll leave when he wants, but that its not what he wants. He honestly tortures himself with what people tell him about me, or what he simply imagines. He knows hes jealous, and has admitted it before. Sadly though, I dont think theres a solution. I wanted so bad to make it work, especially after finding out I was pregnant. I kept forgiving him. And crying. and forgiving him. Finally I realized…He has a problem. He needs help. I wish I could help him. I wish I knew what was wrong with him. All I know is that his thoughts control him, and he imagines things that didn’t happen and becomes verbally abusive. Sometimes physically. I know its better that I leave him for the safety of me and my baby.

I’m sad that I wont have the little family I pictured in my mind, but my mom reminds me that my baby will get a lot of love from my whole family, and that cheers me up. I have 6 brothers who will be great uncles to her 🙂

My growing baby: The one thing I look forward to every day is feeling her move. Its almost surreal to feel a little  person moving inside you–I am still not over it lol. Its just too cool! I went to my first doctors appointment a few days ago. They did a pap smear and drew blood. Well lets just say I will never let a woman do a pap smear on me again. I almost felt raped! She was so rough and didn’t talk through the whole procedure. Just WHam! BAm! Thank You MAam! worst experience ever. I shudder when I think about it.  At least the blood draw was just a pinch, and then I was on my way. My ultrasound is this Friday which I’m SUPER excited about. I just LOVE seeing my little Layla move around. anything she does amazes me. I love her so much.

My mom wants to come to my ultrasound on Friday, which I’m excited about. I know she’ll love seeing her first granddaughter on the screen. Knowing her, she’ll probably even tear up. memo to self: bring tissues.

On another note, Ill be 5 months pregnant in a few days! I mean WOW where did the time go? Jesus Christ, It almost scares me how fast this is all happening. I start panicking that I’m not ready. I need to learn how to breast feed, and how to meditate during labor—which is a 4 month class I believe –Not to mention read up on how to make your baby sleep through the night. Otherwise it’ll be like a train wreck waiting to happen :/

Heres a few pictures of the clothes I want to dress her in one day:

Im off to dream of the little girl Ill be holding in my arms soon.

I Got Fired From My Job

21 Sep

Yes. I was fired. My Boss sat there behind his big oak desk and said, “Im just gonna have to let you go!” With a cold empty look in his eyes.

Did i cry? Did i beg? Did i try to reason with him?

No of course not.

I shook my head agreeably as if we were having a normal conversation and calmly said, “I understand.” He probably assumed that inside i was thinking he was being unfair so he kept talking, explaining to me how my mistakes could have cost him his legal licence and whatnot. I just kept repeating myself more firmly, “-I understand.” I didn’t need his petty excuses. None of it made sense anyway.

So what got me fired? I cant say for sure, but a good part of me thinks its the fact that I’m pregnant.

I was called into my bosses office as soon as i arrived to work. He seemed very upset and demanded to know what happened with the client i had rescheduled. I mentioned that i rescheduled him because I could not get the information we needed for his criminal past. It was obvious that he didnt want to know the whys or hows, so I kept it short and simple. He then told me I had no right to reschedule anyone without his permission. I sat there confused because he knew I had done it a few days ago and waited until now to bring it up? I didnt say anything though. I knew that if I asked questions or tried to reason with him, it wouldnt get us anywhere. He was determined in letting me go and I could see it. There was no pity in his eyes. “After we had a month review and I told you what you needed to work on, and now you do this? Im just going to have to let you go!” He said matter-of-factly.

What was in the months review list?

1. always answer his calls–which he thought I ignored at one point, and became enraged, when really i had simply not heard his call coming in. with 3 lines ringing for me at the same time, trying to process a clients payment, and trying to hear myself over everyone elses loud voice was just pure mayhem that day.

2. tell someone I was leaving to lunch. apparently someone told our manager that I simply left without telling anyone I was going to lunch and as a result a client was left waiting for half and hour unattended. I was in disbelief because I’ve never left without telling someone I was going to lunch. I don’t know who lied to my manager…

The other two things were about improving my ability to multi-task and not keeping customers waiting on the line too long. I didn’t really know what they wanted from me. They would tell me the customers on the phone line didnt matter as much as the ones there for a consultation–I could call the other ones back later. Then they would tell me the opposite. I was misguided and uninformed. And It was almost impossible to take three diffrent calls, help two customers in person, process payments, translate for the boss, and write everything in the computer ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Sorry but thats not multi-tasking–thats called “YOURE CRAZY!”

At the end of that meeting, my boss had told me “he understood i was new and didn’t expect me to get it right away.” He smiled to reassure me, but I only thought about the times he had screamed at me. It didnt seem like he really understood. Still I was glad to hear the things I was doing right. He mentioned I was always on time, very friendly with customers and dressed very professionally.

After he fired me, I turned my keys in to my manager, got my things and left.

When I got home, I called my fiance’ (yes were back together.)

I cried and sobbed to him. “What am I gonna do now?? I have bills to pay and they come every month.” I felt so hopeless being pregnant. “Who’s going to hire me now? I’m showing! No ones going to hire me!” I cried. I sat on my bed like a six year old with tears streaming down my face.

My fiance’ comforted me and told me everything would be alright. “He would take care of me.” He was really supportive, listened to everything I had to say on the matter, and at the end when I said, “I dont know If I just have bad luck at work…or maybe Im just really dumb,” I sniffled. With a firm voice he responded, “NO. Youre not dumb. Dont say that. it has nothing to do with that.” He told me he had to catch a plane but he would be texting me throughout the day to check up on me.

And he did. I thought it was so sweet of him, to be checking on me, and offering me words of encouragement and hope.

After making him suffer last week, he came back ready to commit fully this time. He promised he would never bring up “the phone call” again (Ill choke him if he does.) He really thought he was losing me, and making him think that really made him appreciate me. Ever since then hes been way more affectionate towards me, in a way that hes never been before. Its as if Im his Goddess now and he worships me lol…When they ask you “what do you want? Ill give you anything you want!” You know youve got them pretty hooked.

We went out recently to his favorite taco place, and had a nice evening date. We held hands across the table and talked. Some where along the conversation he mentioned his “to-get list.” I frowned. “Whats a to-get list?” I asked.

“Oh, you know…things to get for the baby,” He said biting into a taco.

I smiled and stared at him. “I thought I was the only one who had made a list like that…” I said a little surprised.

“UH-UH.” He said shaking his head seriously.

I laughed a little. “Ok, so whats on your to-get list?” I asked out of curiosity.

He paused, his mind in obvious thinking-mode. “Well, first,” he said, “A good camera. Because were gonna need a good camera to take pictures of Layla.”

I smiled. He is so sweet.

“baby, but i have a camera…a good one,” I said.

“You do? what kind is it?” He asked.

“A Cannon. it takes really good pictures–I always get compliments on them.”

“Ok.” He said.

“What else is on your list?” I asked.

“Uhm…You know, like the crib and stuff, but also decorations for the nursery, like little lights and stars to hang up on the walls.” (hes a galaxy and planet lover–It may be a little on the nerdy side but I love the stars and galaxies too so we might be two nerds with one one little nerd on the way 🙂

It just melts my heart when I hear him talk like that. I mean HOW FRIKIN’ CUTE IS THAT?! A man that thinks about his unborn baby enough to not want to miss a moment so his first thought is of having a good camera, and he even thinks of the nursery decorations too?? I think its adorable. I dont know many other father-to-be’s that are that involved.

When we got back to his place he put his hand on my stomach for a long time, trying to feel the baby move, but I think she stops moving when she feels a hand on my stomach (Ive noticed that from when I do it too.) He even bent down and put his ear on my stomach. “Are you trying to hear my stomach digest??” I laughed. I love his enthusiasm though.

Unfortunately I had a runny nose, that turned into a cold, and I think I got my Fiance’ sick too. I felt sooooo bad especially because he really needs his voice. I texted him a couple of home remedies since he was already in NY the other day. poor thing. Well he texted back saying, “Hi beautiful! Thanks for the tips, I think Ill try them since I woke up feeling pretty bad today. I think I got sick because I travel so much though.”

WHaT?! hes not blaming me? I know I got him sick but it was really sweet of him to blame it on his traveling just to make me feel good. Hes so awesome 🙂 Then later he thanked me again for the tips, saying, “You really care about me dont you?”

“Of course 🙂 I love you.” I texted back. He said it was the nicest thing to know he was cared for. See? now he doesnt take any of my kindness for granted haha 😉 Its so much better seeing this side of him.

later that day I pulled my recovering self out of bed, to do a photo shoot for my brother, since Id promised him. Im not a certified photographer or anything, but it is a hobby of mine and I always get compliments from people, friends and family on the pictures i take. Im an artist at heart. I really love photography. My mom and my fiance’ keep telling me I should pursue it.

Anyway the photo shoot was a lot of fun–I did it for my brother and his friends senior pictures. We shot them up in a historic park with great scenery. I thought it was so cute how my brothers friend thought I was really a pro. I haven’t gone to school for photography so I cant call myself a “Pro” but I follow basic principles: I pack everything, from camera, batteries, extra batteries, snacks, water and make-up (yes make-up for guys too) and I am on time.  I pose them, and give them feedback as I take pictures like, “Yes, thats good, that looks really good, perfect. Thats a great picture right there.” Im really passionate about it. I know about lighting, shutter speeds, angles and how to edit pictures afterwards for  optimal appearance. Thats one reason my little brother wanted to go with me instead of a proffesional studio–He knows I can edit the pictures nicely. After the photo shoot was over, my brothers friend was looking at the pictures I took on my camera and exclaimed, “Wow, youre really good!” and of course…thats music to my ears.

…Its always nice to know youre good at something 🙂 !

Later that night, I was in front of my lovely computer editing the pictures and I thought, “Why not listen to some music and make it more fun?” So I put on my headphones and YouTubed some oldies. Layla had been very still all night. But the moment I started singing along to the everly brothers “all i have to do is dream” she started moving and moving! I thought it was so funny. After that song I heard some disney classics and she didnt move too much anymore. Then this morning, just for kicks, I started singing the song by the everly brothers again and suddenly she starts moving! She must really like that song haha…My fiance loves music and so do I, so it doesnt really surprise me that we might have a little musician in the making, but i think its cute that she already has music preferences! Oh my little Layla…

Unwanted Orgasms

12 Sep

I put myself on “pelvic rest” (no sex) just to be safe recently, and I think Ill continue until the baby is born. HEY. I am protecting this childs life. Im on a mission here ok?? not one thats very pleasing to my fiance im sure, but he doesnt know Im also holding out until he gives me everything i want…marriage that will happen sooner than the year 3000, a ring, flowers, an apology, tears and down on his knees. Hes been bad recently, and bad boys dont get the “cookie.” *mother from the 50’s shaking finger* no, no, no.

I still have fantasies of him but he doesnt know it. Im thinking every time I start to have a fantasy of him I have to think of rainbows and unicorns with blue care bears floating on clouds (something really un-sexual), because thinking of him before bed does not help.

Last night I had such a crazy wild dream. I mean….MYGOD…did I have a great Orgasm in my dream—mind blowing. Angels singing.

THEN I WOKE UP. and i freeeeeaked out! I mean OMG!!! i am on pelvic rest! what if my orgasmic dream hurt my baby in some way??? I swear I was freaked out thinking about it for 5 minutes before I gained full consciousness. I know I must sound like I sniffed a can of glue, but I kept wondering if my dream made me have an orgasm in real life while i slept, the way you sometimes cry in a dream and are really crying when you wake up (or the worser one–where you dream you go to the restroom and you pee yourself in bed. hasnt happened to me, but Im just sayin‘…) Im scared of bringing on any contractions and its known that orgasms stimulate uterus contractions.

So THATS IT. no more fantasizing about my hot “fiance” until he shows me in actions how much I mean to him. guys like to play games sometimes but they’re not the ones with the cookie lol….and as Megan Fox once said, “Women hold the power because were the ones with the vaginas.” damn skippee Megan! (By the way shes Preggers too!)

As the saying goes…nobody buys the cow if they can get the milk for free. 😉

I’m charging a hefty price honey! Time to pay me some gratitude by the truck load!

 

 

 

Guess what???

11 Sep

Its a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

and shes ALIVE! Oh Im so happy!!! before I got my gender reveal ultra sound done, I tried to get myself used to the idea that the baby might not be alive anymore. I was preparing myself…maybe a little too much. I just didnt want to “lose it” and have a break down. I wanted to be strong if the news was bad.

Well, I layed down on the beautiful bed they had for me in the dimly-lit theater room with comfy couches and chairs (which they have so you can invite up to 10 family and friends-I invited my brother and his wife.)

As soon as I saw an image of the baby appear on the screen I told the ultrasound tech nervously, “let me know if it has a heart beat.”

“well…its moving,” she said. I still waited nervously for her to tell me.

after seeing its first movements on the big screen, i turned to her and asked her, “So its alive??” She shook her head yes, and I let out a sigh of relief then focused back on the screen. When i saw its little heart beating, I turned to her again. “Its heart is beating,” I said almost in a question, wanting reassurance even though I had seen it myself. “Mmmhmm,” she said, as she looked at her monitor.

Then I just smiled from ear to ear after that.

ESPECIALLY when she was able to show me it was a girl time and time again. I loved seeing the baby suck its thumb and move around swiftly. Shes definitely not a crazy one. I ate a BUNCH of candy and she still wasn’t hyper! She was so calm the ultrasound tech kept prodding my stomach gently to get her to move around a little more. Hopefully shes a good baby. I’m so in love with her already.

Its amazing to see that shes really growing!! I can see her spine really defined now, as well as her fingers and legs! I mean wow! there is really a baby growing in my stomach!!! This is such a special time for me.

Every now and then I would see my brother and his wife looking at my baby moving on the screen, and they would nudge each other and kiss tenderly. They dont have children yet (theyre newlyweds) but I know my sister in law wants a baby really bad. Im sure soon, shell be cooking her own little bun in the oven.

We celebrated afterwards by going out for dinner at Olive Garden. I had such a great time! Im still so overjoyed. Im having a girl! Im having a girl! Im having a girl!!! I want to shout it to the world! My own special little daughter. A piece of me. I cannot wait to meet her.

Threatened Miscarriage

5 Sep

Last Thursday night I stayed up watching birthing videos on YouTube, and every time it got to the part where the baby finally slipped out, I would start crying like a sissy. No. worse. I shake my own head at myself. these damn hormones.

Anyway, I decided I want to do a Bradley birth and have a midwife if possible.

So fast forward to FRIDAY.

I woke up, and having slept only 5 hours, I freaked because I thought “Ohmygod. How am I going to be alert and productive at work??” So I took an energy drink. I admit this with huge shame. It was stupid. Probably the stupidest thing Ive ever done.

It was a V8 energy drink with fruits and vegetables and green tea. It said it was “all natural” and I believed it. I thought, “its natural, plus one time wont hurt. Besides how much energy can it even give me? its not like its a redbull. It probably wont even do anything.”

WELL…a few hours after taking it I was shaky and really energized @_@ and imagine how my baby mustve been. Oh how the shame swallows me up now.

Around 4 pm, I got up and went to pee. I saw brown spotting when I wiped. UH OH.

I told myself not to panick. I read that was normal for most pregnant women.

At 6 pm, I got home. This time when I went to pee, I saw bright red blood spotting. I officially FREAKED OUT at that moment. I went to the store and bought the best pure vitamin E they had, came back home, took about 6 capsules, and rested all saturday, sunday and monday. (Vitamin E is good for a threatened miscarriage-it ‘glues’ the placenta back onto the uterus.) The red spotting went away after friday, and I have since then, felt the baby move. Sometimes i can see where its at because my stomach will be lopsided for a minute or two until it moves again. I was so worried though!!! mygod….and honestly even though I have felt it move and the spotting is gone, Im still kind of scared. I wish I knew it was really ok in there!

I have my 2D ultrasound coming up this monday so at least Ill be able to know if its ok on monday. Im just so scared though. What if I get there and theres no heartbeat? 😦 ***Please baby, keep moving in my stomach so I know youre ok*** We’ll see what happens next monday. Times like these I wish i had a doppler.

Im back with my Fiance-we made up. We had a really nice time last night just cuddling in his bed, watching his favorite reality show reunion–“love and hip hop Atlanta” (LOL he loves reality shows as much as i do but he didnt want to admit it at first heehee.) Then afterwards he turned off the TV and gave me some quality TLC 😉 We layed together as he rubbed my belly tenderly. He ran his hands through my hair, and would give me sweet little kisses. After a long hour of his caresses, he asked, “Do you feel loved?” I smiled with my eyes closed, and shook my head yes. “You better not say I don’t love you next week,” he half jokingly smiled.

Its nice to know that even though the idea of not having this baby would probably make our lives more simple…we both still want this baby just as bad anyway. My fiance told me this is one of the biggest gifts I can give him. That and being faithful to him. I love that he is so excited about this baby.

For now things look good, but I am itching for monday to get here already! I am praying everything is ok with my little bun in the oven.

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