WHY are you so damn lucky??

YES YOU.

I was driving around in my car thinking about you today.

and you know what i told myself?  I said, “Why do you get to be so damn lucky? WHY??”

you think you have problems but you really don’t.

How i wish i had your life.

You found someone amazing, who loves you. you might even have little minions who make your life richer. You take care of them and they take care of you. you laugh, you smile, and you eat good food. You enjoy life, your family, your friends, and you enjoy giving yourself a little treat every now and then. life is good.

Somehow you got lucky.

Im not mad. Im just confused at how *I became the unlucky one. What did i do wrong??

(actually dont answer that. *snorts)

 

I guess Im just feeling pooey.

I badly wish I could make a cheerful funny post like everyone else. Gosh I envy the people that get to make such happy posts right now.

I was debating whether or not to even share the current tragedy of my life with you. You might not want to hear it. but thats ok. I just need to write this even if nobody reads it.

Warning: Im about to get personal.

5 months ago, I left my boyfriend. thus making me officially a single mother to be. I badly wanted to make it work but I knew it wasnt a healthy relationship. Of course we had our good times, but the bad times were really bad. and they were often. When my brother called me one night and told me he would take care of me and my baby if i left my boyfriend, it opened my eyes.

*wow…I actually have another option…I thought. before my brother offered his help, I couldnt imagine leaving my boyfriend. where would i go? how would i survive on my own with a baby? It just didnt seem like I had any choice but to stay with my boyfriend and be hopeful that things would change.

When my brother so generously offered his help, tears filled my eyes. I didnt have to suffer anymore. someone was willing to help me.

“I didnt know that I had any other choice,” I said bewtween tears.

“Of course you do. Im happy to help you. Youre my sister and I love you. I dont want you to be with someone that makes you suffer,” He said to me.

“But…but its such a big responsibility…” I said blinking in deep thought.

“I know, but ill take care of both of you, dont worry,” he said with full confidence in his voice.

 

Still, I didnt take him up on his offer. at least not right away. call me crazy, but I just didnt think he understood just how big of a responsibility he was taking on. Hes young, single, doesn’t have kids, and spends his money as fast as he gets it. I told him I appreciated his offer but i just didnt think he was ready for such a big responsibility. Besides, my boyfriend was the one who should be responsible for me and our baby. not anyone else.

So i stayed with my boyfriend and endured more suffering. finnally i just couldnt take it anymore. the accusations of cheating or flirting with guys were constant and so were the horrible insults that came with it. being woken up at 3 am to be told that i was “easy” and to raise my daughter to be different just did it for me. It hurt to be called those names especially when i prided myself in being faithful. I cried painfully at all the accusations and insults, and then I cried more when I would look down at my pregnant belly. Could she hear me crying? could she feel my pain? The thought of my pain being transferred to my unborn innocent baby girl killed me. I knew I couldnt do this to her. She deserved better.

I ended it then and there.

The funny thing is my boyfriend didnt want to end things. He always acted like it was over, but panicked if he saw that I was really leaving him.

I knew I had one person who i could count on though: My brother. I was not alone. I had somewhere to go. someone who cared about me and didnt want me to suffer anymore.  He kept reminding me that he would take care of me and my baby. I kept reminding him too how it was a huge responsibility. He would say he was aware of that, and even offered to get up in the middle of the nights and help me with my baby if needed. I felt such a relief.

And so I finally left my boyfriend for good. In December I moved into a nice little place with my brother. I was happy. Happier than Id been in months.  My boyfriend wasnt around to torture me every other week. I didnt cry anymore. things were going to be ok now. What a great feeling that was!

My brother told me he would take care of my bills, and my baby would have EVERYTHING it needed. He even told me I wouldnt have to work after having my baby, granting me my wish of staying home with my baby so i wouldnt miss any of the her first moments. He promised me all of that.

AND I REALLY BELEIVED HIM.

sometimes I want to slap myself for beleiving people. You would think after constantly being dissapointed that id learn my lesson…

 

not only was our rent past due, my car payments are past due, and Ive barely been able to get things i really need for my baby.

 

My brother earns good money–he is the co-owner of our dads company. money isnt the issue. Its his spending thats the problem. He recently bought $300 prada sunglasses, a mini shopping spree at EXPRESS, and God knows what else. The point being, he spends it all as soon as he gets it.

He kept promising me Id have my bills taken care of, and my baby would have everything it needs. It was starting to sound like empty promises.

Then a few days ago, I asked him for some money so i could catch up on my car payments. He looked at me like I was crazy. “You do know I have a car bill every month right? and that Im behind–youve told me youll give me the money but you havent,” I reminded him.

“Well, yea but I cant help you right now. you could ask the rest of our family for help–thats what family is for,” he said.

His words echoed in my ear, the way something does when its so awful, and your mind replays it to make sure you never forget it.

“but they never said they were going to take care of me. you did. you promised youd take care of my bills and my baby would have everything it needed. I didnt know you were going to make me go out and beg the rest of our family for money. If I knew you were going to do this to me I wouldve stayed with my boyfriend.”

deep down I knew that the only person who could really help me would be my dad, and while we have reconciled and are now on talking terms, asking him for help is the last thing i want to do.

How can I look him in the face and ask him for help when i feel that he judges me for being single and knocked up? Im just a disapointment to him. He didnt show up at my baby shower and he didnt get me a gift either. sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

and here my brother was suggesting that I ask my dad for help.

A knot formed in my throat, and i felt a horrible feeling inside. being pregnant and single is already such a public humiliation. But now if I were to ask my dad for help, I would only be reminded by him how disapointed he is in me, and hed make me feel as if i didnt deserve his help but he would reluctantly do it anyway. somehow i feel like id rather die than be made to feel like a disappointing piece of crap by my dad.

My brother doesnt see that though. He doesnt understand the dynamics bewtween my dad and I. He thinks I can just be sweet and nice, kiss up to my dad, and get whatever i want. He imagines all girls can be daddys girls as long as they know how to kiss up. I just cant do it. every time I tried being sweet to my dad he shot me down, ignored me, or screamed at me. Im scared to open up anymore.

I just want to make my own money and never have to rely on a guy ever again. I dont want to kiss up to anyone. I dont want to feel that i have to take crap from someone just because theyre supporting me. I dont want to feel like im a burden because someone is taking care of me.

I hate being dependent on men. its humiliating. Im not a puppy. I dont feel like doing tricks and licking their feet to get a “treat.”

I wish so badly that I was a successful career woman who made good money and could be self sustainable. That is what I daydream of…

But my dad didnt let me go to the college i wanted, which was two hours away. He did however let my brother go to college a couple states away the following year.

I wanted to be a fashion designer.

sometimes I close my eyes and see beautiful clothes I’ve never seen before. I see the colors vibrantly, shimmering and all the small details on the clothes. I also have dreams of being in stores and going through racks of clothes I’ve never seen before. I’ll wake up and sketch what i saw in my dreams. I feel like I couldve really been somewhere by now if i had gone to school for it.

But my dad suggested i go to a local college to be a “nurse.” The thought of being a nurse in a hospital irked me. That wasnt my passion or talent.

I ended up never going to college.

My dad was always more worried about me being a good “house wife.” learning how to cook, clean and grocery shop. I guess he thought Id find a good husband who would take care of me that way.

He was never too worried about me being financially self sustainable.

I wish he had been.

I now have a child on the way, and because I depend on others to help me, i feel trapped. I don’t feel free. I’m at their mercy-at what they’ll give me, when they want to give it to me. its a horrible feeling to have to ask others for help and then risk being treated like a speck of dust on the ground. a mere peasant.

my dreams of staying home with my baby girl when shes born seem to be vanishing. Yes my brother promised me i wouldnt have to work…but now he tells me he cant really help me, and so it seems i might be forced to go back to work soon after my baby is born. WHICH ABSOLUTELY KILLS ME TO THE CORE.

Im afraid of leaving her with anyone, because I love her so much already and i dont want anyone to hurt her. Im also afraid of her getting attached to someone more than me. Im afraid to miss all her precious first moments and only hear about them.

I feel tricked. My brother had promised he would help me. He promised he would take care of me and my baby. I didnt know he would back out of his promise. especially when im most vulnerable. Im 34 weeks pregnant, I cant work right now, and so im literally depending on him.

He also doesnt realize that if i ask my dad for help, my dad might want me to go live with him and my mom. and that is such a bad idea…my dad will never see me as a grown up as long as i live under his roof and need his help. The last thing i want is to be treated like a child in front of my child.

I wouldnt even have to ask anyone else for help if my brother had been more responsible with his money. But he didnt seem to really understand what taking care of me and my baby really meant. That is what i had feared, but he kept repeating that he knew what it meant, and i believed him.

Its so frustrating to not be able to go out, get a job and be independent right now. I HATE depending on others. especially because they always let me down. In this life, I’ve learned that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

So thats where im at right now. barely getting by on the crumbs my brother gives me.

Often times I think about my ex-boyfriend. I wonder where hes at, how hes doing, who hes with. I wonder if he thinks of me. sometimes i feel like shouting at him and saying, “WHY did you do this to me??! why did you get me pregnant?!” but I dont regret being pregnant. I love Layla so much already. I guess Im just mad that Im the one pregnant, wondering how im going to survive with a baby on my own. and knowing that he probably doesnt care that im going through such a difficult time. “would he care if he knew?” I often ask myself. would he feel anything if he saw the pain, frustration, and poverty im going through with his child in my womb? sometimes I stare at his picture for a long time, remembering previous conversations we had. Ill remember hurtful things he would tell me. Ill remember traumatizing moments, and my eyes will well up with tears.

and so i know…I am not the lucky one. I didn’t end up with someone who treats me good, and cares for me.

I am alone.

how i envy the pregnant women who have a husband they can snuggle up with at night. my bed is always empty.

maybe one day things might change for me though. One day I might be lucky like you.

For now, all i can do is keep smiling even when im crying inside. Somehow i will get through this.

I will survive.