My Car Got Repoed

I kept telling my brother they were going to take my car away.

He kept telling me, “They dont know where you live.”

“Even if they dont know where i live right now, they can find out, and besides its just not responsible.”

He gave me a small amount of $200 last week to make a car payment. my car payment is $300 and im behind 3 months.

“Can i have another $100 so i can at least make one full payment?” I asked him.

“NO!” he said bewildered, “I cant give you more-Im really tight right now!”

fine…I thought, I’ll just have to wait until next week so i can at least make one full car payment. 

come to find out, my brother went shopping the next day and bought himself a new $100 GUESS jacket at the mall.

“Yeah” because things are “really tight.”

I’ve been so upset and stressed out over my car being taken away, that I worry I might go into labor. I tell myself to take a deep breath and relax but my heart cant stop racing. So i mentally tell my baby, “You will not come yet, do you understand?” I hope she listens to me. I know that at 36 weeks they have a 90% chance of surviving without almost any medical intervention, but I just dont want to remember having my baby the day my car got taken away. It  wouldnt be a good memory, and im far from feeling relaxed and happy right now, which im sure would affect my chances of having a good labor expereince—especially since i want to do a hypno birth and thats all about letting go of anything negative in your life. I also would like to have everything straightened out with my car before she comes–it might be a nesting thing,  but it would ease my mind to know everythings ok before i have my baby, instead of having her, and having to deal with a repo company, the sherriffs department, the DMV, my car company, and an insurance company when im supposed to be home recovering and enjoying my newborn baby. I guess it would be a good time to do breathing and relaxation exercises but EVERY TIME i think about my car and everything I have to do to get it back, my heart starts racing again.

This morning I was getting ready to listen to my hypno birthing relaxation CDs and read the rest of my hypno birthing book in preparation for labor when my mom called me letting me know the repo guy had been at my parents house looking for me. I called my brother right away and told him. He said he would call me right back. So I waited. And I waited. After 20 minutes, I called him to see what he was thinking of doing.  I was stressed, nervous, and worried. He didnt answer his phone—which was weird because he always answers my calls.

A few minutes later the Repo guy shows up at my door. UH-OH. He tells me my car is already hooked up and once he hooks it up theres nothing that can be done. He has to take it. I called my brother immediately and this time he answered. I told him the repo guy was right outside and was going to take my car away.

“David I need my car!!” I cried into the phone, “You SAID you were going to help me! You said everything would be taken care of!”

His response: “Yeah, but i dont have any money right now.” There didn’t seem to be any concern in his tone.

“But you said you were going to help me back in September! You had so much time since then! and when I told you my car payment was due in november you told me youd give me the money in December, and when December came you told me you would pay everything in January, and now look what happened!!”

His response: “Yeah but I dont have any money right now.”

“Well you got to do something! You told me you would help me out!”

“Well I dont have any money,” He repeated in a flat tone.

“Well cant you call our dad or something?!” I was taken aback at the fact that he didnt seem to know what to do or say to fix the hole he got me into. First he tells me everything will be alright, then he throws me in a hole, and once im in the hole, he abandons me.

“No,” he said, “You have to call him. Its you’re car.”

“Yeah but you were supposed to have taken care of everything remember??” I didnt understand why he wanted me to go through the embarassment of calling my dad and asking him for money, all because he mispent the money he shouldve used to pay my car.

“Well you have to call him,” He said flatly.

“Ok. fine…” I said between my teeth and hung up.

In case you’re wondering, I am not the type of person to spit out nasty hurtful things when Im mad or upset at someone. thats not to say I cant, because If I wanted to I could say some of the worst things that would break a person into pieces but I dont think anyone deserves to be striped of their dignity. I also like to remain as focused as possible during a stressful situation so I can think and act with logic instead of with flared up emotions. besides, saying hurtful mean things to people just because you’re upset isn’t very classy in my book.

While the relationship between me and my dad has improved tremendously, I still hate asking him for help. I dont think that’ll ever change. I just dont think its responsible to run to daddy for money or help when it could be avoided.

Today my brother left me no choice.

I called my dad and told him what was going on. He quickly sent my brother over with a check, and asked me to put the repo guy on the phone. unfortunately the repo guy was still going to take my car. I cried. Not loudly–I mostly sniffle and wipe tears away and bite my lower lip when i cry. I could tell the repo guy felt bad to see a pregnant girl cry but alas, its his job and he has to feed his kids.

I was on the phone with my car company after my car got taken away and they gave me instructions on what I have to do in order to get my car back.  I cried while i was on the phone with the customer service girl. Which Im sorry about, because I could tell she felt a little awkward but i simply couldnt contain myself when she ran down a list of all the hoops i would have to jump through to get my car back. Primarily, it was having to show proof of full coverage insurance and a valid drivers licence that made the tears come pouring down.

My car insurance got cancelled recently due to non-payment and even if I still had it, it was not full coverage since I couldnt afford it.

And my drivers license? I dont have one because my wallet was stolen two months ago, and while I would love to get my drivers licence back, I know I would firstly have to pay for my expired car tags which are $300.

So Im looking at an extra $1,200 on top of the $1,300 I owe my car company for 3 months of non-payment, late fees, and repo fees.

granted none of it will come from my pocket, especially since Im not working right now because im on disability leave (I still havent received my first paycheck, although honestly Im thinking it’ll just be pennies since I didnt make much at my last job.) But just because the money isnt coming from my pockets doesnt mean Im going to put my feet up and whistle a happy tune. Im upset about my dad having to use his money to help me, and Im upset at the charges that will be spent unnecessarily. Its money thats basically being thrown away all because of carelessness/irresponsibility.

My parents have been planning on putting wood flooring in their house and that is not cheap. To think that this money could’ve gone toward that but instead its going towards my car because of my irresponsible brother really upsets me.

I feel frustrated that I am depending on my brother. I recognize that he is not mature or responsible, and he has a spending problem. He doesnt like to think about budgeting money. He simply likes to think that more money will fall from the sky and solve his problems. This doesnt make him a bad person. He has a good heart, and good intentions. Unfortunately no one has ever lived off of either of those two things.

I dont ever in my life want to depend on anyone again. I cant wait for the day where what i make is enough to sustain me and my baby without depending on anyone else.

I know It’ll happen, but for the moment this is my life:

I currently have to deal with the fact that my car is gone and I have to go through a lot of hassle to get it back.

being 36 weeks (9 months) pregnant and having to take this on right now is not my idea of fun.

If there is a person you can count on in your life, then you, my friend…are lucky.

You should go hug the heck out of them. squeeze ’em till they cant breath. Heck, at least give them a high five for me. 

People you can truly count on in this life, are hero’s in my book…

ITS SO BIG!

My stomach that is.

Its getting gi-normous! everyone keeps telling me i look like i swallowed a watermelon. Even the guy that works at the cell phone kiosk at the mall nick named me “water melon girl.” One of my friends told me i dont look pregnant from the back though, which is weird since im sooooo obviously pregnant in the front.  I really dont know how i can possibly get bigger…!! I mean SERIOUSLY. If my stomach grows any bigger i will surely tip over. not even kidding.

I only have 4 weeks left till my due date (but honestly im thinking ill have my baby a week or two early.) either way, it means i will be seeing my baby VERY VERY SOON!! *girly squeel inserted here* I am so over the moon excited to hold her and look at her little face.

I passed my glucose test, and i just had my strep B test done last week. I have a feeling my doctor is a bit of a pervert but its too late to change doctors this late in the game in my opinion. But you know your doctors a little pervy when they get that little involuntary smile that creeps up on their face right before they check your privates. and dont even get started on how the rest went! I personally feel he took longer than he had to and did the test differently than how i read its supposed to be done.  But …whatever. Just glad thats over with and soon i wont have to be seeing him anymore.

I was deppressed last week for a day or two. But then I got over it. So maybe I wanted Oreo cookies and milk and I only got a sugar cookie and a glass of water….well then so be it. I will be happy with my sugar cookie and glass of water. Its better than nothing! Ive learned my lesson though: I will never beleive anyone who promises me Oreo cookies and milk until theyre in my hand. You know, Just to be on the safe side.

Lately Ive noticed how quiet it is when im home alone. I dont have a TV or a Radio so I guess thats part of the reason why its so quiet, but it just makes me ponder on how it wont always be this way. very soon the quietness will be filled with a little newborn crying (hopefully not too much crying though.) I will look over at the side of my bed and instead of the sleep sheep inside the rocker sleeper, Ill see my precious baby girl. I cant wait to see her eyes opened wide staring up at me. and that first smile. I cant wait!

Theres a saying my mom often repeats to me: “theres always something good to be taken from every bad situation.”

In this case that “good” would definitely be my little Layla who will be here soon.

 

 

I usually have Layla listen to Mozart and Beethoven either while i do my make-up in the day or at night before i go to bed.

 

WHY are you so damn lucky??

YES YOU.

I was driving around in my car thinking about you today.

and you know what i told myself?  I said, “Why do you get to be so damn lucky? WHY??”

you think you have problems but you really don’t.

How i wish i had your life.

You found someone amazing, who loves you. you might even have little minions who make your life richer. You take care of them and they take care of you. you laugh, you smile, and you eat good food. You enjoy life, your family, your friends, and you enjoy giving yourself a little treat every now and then. life is good.

Somehow you got lucky.

Im not mad. Im just confused at how *I became the unlucky one. What did i do wrong??

(actually dont answer that. *snorts)

 

I guess Im just feeling pooey.

I badly wish I could make a cheerful funny post like everyone else. Gosh I envy the people that get to make such happy posts right now.

I was debating whether or not to even share the current tragedy of my life with you. You might not want to hear it. but thats ok. I just need to write this even if nobody reads it.

Warning: Im about to get personal.

5 months ago, I left my boyfriend. thus making me officially a single mother to be. I badly wanted to make it work but I knew it wasnt a healthy relationship. Of course we had our good times, but the bad times were really bad. and they were often. When my brother called me one night and told me he would take care of me and my baby if i left my boyfriend, it opened my eyes.

*wow…I actually have another option…I thought. before my brother offered his help, I couldnt imagine leaving my boyfriend. where would i go? how would i survive on my own with a baby? It just didnt seem like I had any choice but to stay with my boyfriend and be hopeful that things would change.

When my brother so generously offered his help, tears filled my eyes. I didnt have to suffer anymore. someone was willing to help me.

“I didnt know that I had any other choice,” I said bewtween tears.

“Of course you do. Im happy to help you. Youre my sister and I love you. I dont want you to be with someone that makes you suffer,” He said to me.

“But…but its such a big responsibility…” I said blinking in deep thought.

“I know, but ill take care of both of you, dont worry,” he said with full confidence in his voice.

 

Still, I didnt take him up on his offer. at least not right away. call me crazy, but I just didnt think he understood just how big of a responsibility he was taking on. Hes young, single, doesn’t have kids, and spends his money as fast as he gets it. I told him I appreciated his offer but i just didnt think he was ready for such a big responsibility. Besides, my boyfriend was the one who should be responsible for me and our baby. not anyone else.

So i stayed with my boyfriend and endured more suffering. finnally i just couldnt take it anymore. the accusations of cheating or flirting with guys were constant and so were the horrible insults that came with it. being woken up at 3 am to be told that i was “easy” and to raise my daughter to be different just did it for me. It hurt to be called those names especially when i prided myself in being faithful. I cried painfully at all the accusations and insults, and then I cried more when I would look down at my pregnant belly. Could she hear me crying? could she feel my pain? The thought of my pain being transferred to my unborn innocent baby girl killed me. I knew I couldnt do this to her. She deserved better.

I ended it then and there.

The funny thing is my boyfriend didnt want to end things. He always acted like it was over, but panicked if he saw that I was really leaving him.

I knew I had one person who i could count on though: My brother. I was not alone. I had somewhere to go. someone who cared about me and didnt want me to suffer anymore.  He kept reminding me that he would take care of me and my baby. I kept reminding him too how it was a huge responsibility. He would say he was aware of that, and even offered to get up in the middle of the nights and help me with my baby if needed. I felt such a relief.

And so I finally left my boyfriend for good. In December I moved into a nice little place with my brother. I was happy. Happier than Id been in months.  My boyfriend wasnt around to torture me every other week. I didnt cry anymore. things were going to be ok now. What a great feeling that was!

My brother told me he would take care of my bills, and my baby would have EVERYTHING it needed. He even told me I wouldnt have to work after having my baby, granting me my wish of staying home with my baby so i wouldnt miss any of the her first moments. He promised me all of that.

AND I REALLY BELEIVED HIM.

sometimes I want to slap myself for beleiving people. You would think after constantly being dissapointed that id learn my lesson…

 

not only was our rent past due, my car payments are past due, and Ive barely been able to get things i really need for my baby.

 

My brother earns good money–he is the co-owner of our dads company. money isnt the issue. Its his spending thats the problem. He recently bought $300 prada sunglasses, a mini shopping spree at EXPRESS, and God knows what else. The point being, he spends it all as soon as he gets it.

He kept promising me Id have my bills taken care of, and my baby would have everything it needs. It was starting to sound like empty promises.

Then a few days ago, I asked him for some money so i could catch up on my car payments. He looked at me like I was crazy. “You do know I have a car bill every month right? and that Im behind–youve told me youll give me the money but you havent,” I reminded him.

“Well, yea but I cant help you right now. you could ask the rest of our family for help–thats what family is for,” he said.

His words echoed in my ear, the way something does when its so awful, and your mind replays it to make sure you never forget it.

“but they never said they were going to take care of me. you did. you promised youd take care of my bills and my baby would have everything it needed. I didnt know you were going to make me go out and beg the rest of our family for money. If I knew you were going to do this to me I wouldve stayed with my boyfriend.”

deep down I knew that the only person who could really help me would be my dad, and while we have reconciled and are now on talking terms, asking him for help is the last thing i want to do.

How can I look him in the face and ask him for help when i feel that he judges me for being single and knocked up? Im just a disapointment to him. He didnt show up at my baby shower and he didnt get me a gift either. sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

and here my brother was suggesting that I ask my dad for help.

A knot formed in my throat, and i felt a horrible feeling inside. being pregnant and single is already such a public humiliation. But now if I were to ask my dad for help, I would only be reminded by him how disapointed he is in me, and hed make me feel as if i didnt deserve his help but he would reluctantly do it anyway. somehow i feel like id rather die than be made to feel like a disappointing piece of crap by my dad.

My brother doesnt see that though. He doesnt understand the dynamics bewtween my dad and I. He thinks I can just be sweet and nice, kiss up to my dad, and get whatever i want. He imagines all girls can be daddys girls as long as they know how to kiss up. I just cant do it. every time I tried being sweet to my dad he shot me down, ignored me, or screamed at me. Im scared to open up anymore.

I just want to make my own money and never have to rely on a guy ever again. I dont want to kiss up to anyone. I dont want to feel that i have to take crap from someone just because theyre supporting me. I dont want to feel like im a burden because someone is taking care of me.

I hate being dependent on men. its humiliating. Im not a puppy. I dont feel like doing tricks and licking their feet to get a “treat.”

I wish so badly that I was a successful career woman who made good money and could be self sustainable. That is what I daydream of…

But my dad didnt let me go to the college i wanted, which was two hours away. He did however let my brother go to college a couple states away the following year.

I wanted to be a fashion designer.

sometimes I close my eyes and see beautiful clothes I’ve never seen before. I see the colors vibrantly, shimmering and all the small details on the clothes. I also have dreams of being in stores and going through racks of clothes I’ve never seen before. I’ll wake up and sketch what i saw in my dreams. I feel like I couldve really been somewhere by now if i had gone to school for it.

But my dad suggested i go to a local college to be a “nurse.” The thought of being a nurse in a hospital irked me. That wasnt my passion or talent.

I ended up never going to college.

My dad was always more worried about me being a good “house wife.” learning how to cook, clean and grocery shop. I guess he thought Id find a good husband who would take care of me that way.

He was never too worried about me being financially self sustainable.

I wish he had been.

I now have a child on the way, and because I depend on others to help me, i feel trapped. I don’t feel free. I’m at their mercy-at what they’ll give me, when they want to give it to me. its a horrible feeling to have to ask others for help and then risk being treated like a speck of dust on the ground. a mere peasant.

my dreams of staying home with my baby girl when shes born seem to be vanishing. Yes my brother promised me i wouldnt have to work…but now he tells me he cant really help me, and so it seems i might be forced to go back to work soon after my baby is born. WHICH ABSOLUTELY KILLS ME TO THE CORE.

Im afraid of leaving her with anyone, because I love her so much already and i dont want anyone to hurt her. Im also afraid of her getting attached to someone more than me. Im afraid to miss all her precious first moments and only hear about them.

I feel tricked. My brother had promised he would help me. He promised he would take care of me and my baby. I didnt know he would back out of his promise. especially when im most vulnerable. Im 34 weeks pregnant, I cant work right now, and so im literally depending on him.

He also doesnt realize that if i ask my dad for help, my dad might want me to go live with him and my mom. and that is such a bad idea…my dad will never see me as a grown up as long as i live under his roof and need his help. The last thing i want is to be treated like a child in front of my child.

I wouldnt even have to ask anyone else for help if my brother had been more responsible with his money. But he didnt seem to really understand what taking care of me and my baby really meant. That is what i had feared, but he kept repeating that he knew what it meant, and i believed him.

Its so frustrating to not be able to go out, get a job and be independent right now. I HATE depending on others. especially because they always let me down. In this life, I’ve learned that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

So thats where im at right now. barely getting by on the crumbs my brother gives me.

Often times I think about my ex-boyfriend. I wonder where hes at, how hes doing, who hes with. I wonder if he thinks of me. sometimes i feel like shouting at him and saying, “WHY did you do this to me??! why did you get me pregnant?!” but I dont regret being pregnant. I love Layla so much already. I guess Im just mad that Im the one pregnant, wondering how im going to survive with a baby on my own. and knowing that he probably doesnt care that im going through such a difficult time. “would he care if he knew?” I often ask myself. would he feel anything if he saw the pain, frustration, and poverty im going through with his child in my womb? sometimes I stare at his picture for a long time, remembering previous conversations we had. Ill remember hurtful things he would tell me. Ill remember traumatizing moments, and my eyes will well up with tears.

and so i know…I am not the lucky one. I didn’t end up with someone who treats me good, and cares for me.

I am alone.

how i envy the pregnant women who have a husband they can snuggle up with at night. my bed is always empty.

maybe one day things might change for me though. One day I might be lucky like you.

For now, all i can do is keep smiling even when im crying inside. Somehow i will get through this.

I will survive.

 

 

 

 

6.5 months pregnant!

The weeks seem to be going by so fast now! THEN again…i do sleep like a hybernating polar bear. thank GOD i dont look like one though! so far Ive gained 20 pounds but my doctor told me that im right on track and still need to gain more since im skinny. Im definately not dieting but im not going to give myself the “Im pregnant—i can eat what i want” pass. after all, eating for two doesnt mean you get to eat like chubacca. who ever made that lie up should choke on a wienie. i mean who says you get a free pass JUST because youre preggers?? its not like the baby really gets any nutrition from the nachos, twinkies, and ice cream sundaes. YOU on the other hand are left looking pregnant 6 months after the baby is born. and thats.not.fun. is it? no sir.

My thing is i dont want to look like a typical “mom”. I will not cut my hair into a short bob, or sport mom jeans *shudders* or ever buy a mini-van. I want to look something like THIS: 

well yes, i know i might be fantasizing, but hey, i can dream.

So far, I still dont have stretch marks, constipation, aches, pains, nausea, hemmoroids, or varicose veins.

I DO HOWEVER have a small broken capillarie on the back of my leg. it looks like a little red birth mark. I read that grape seed extract will make it go away.

also my right eye has been dry and red so i had to buy artificial tear drops. theyve been working great lately.

my skin has been behaving really well thanks to the coconut oil, Baking soda and lemon. no more break outs!

and did i mention i love my big boobs?? 🙂

now on to my sweet sweet child:

She is now close to 2 pounds, has begun to open and close her eyes (which are blue for now since all babies have that color in womb) shes surely growing curly little hair on her head by now, as well as eyelashes and eyebrows.

and the best part??! she kicks me all the time now! and hard!!

ive gotten used to her kicking me now, so i no longer make that dumb OMG face O_O now its more of a blissful happy face.

I cant wait to see her, hold her, change her diapers, feed her, carry her, and take her with me every where. and to think…only 3 more months!!!

now on to my baby/pregnancy purchases:

I bought head phones so Layla can listen to classical music:

Now i need to go find that classical CD! where oh where did i put it??

I also purchased this body pillow:

It was $80 on Amazon, and its alot like the snoogle (but better in my opinion.)

I also purchased this top:

I thought it would be really cool to wear this while im pregnant so i can make the tigers face pop out like 3D. yeah yeah. Im a nerd. haha…

I also bought this blanket for my baby girl:

is it not the softest cutest blanket ever?? me thinks yes 🙂

the sleepers i got her—totally couldn’t help myself. they were $8 each at Wallyworld 🙂

I also purchased a flat iron by Biosilk (the makers of CHI) these are usually $80 but i got it on sale for $25 *AND SHE SCOOOOOORES!!!*

ahem. got a little excited there.

Heres what it looks like:

Gotta keep my hair ‘did !!

I also placed an order online through a proffesional photo lab to print an 8 x 10 picture of my parents dancing at their anniversary party. I already have the frame for it. So im just waiting to receive the picture. I paid $16 for ONE picture. thats kind of outrageous spending for me since i love bargains and deals BUT you cant go cheap on somethings. especially picture quality. you get what you pay for there. I cant wait ’till my mom sees it. she has no idea im doing this 🙂 I think itll look really nice hung up on the living room wall next to the rest of the family pictures..

my baby shower will be within the next month or so, and my mom said shes getting me the crib (I love my momma!)

This is the crib shes getting me from my amazon baby registry 🙂

Also my brother is getting me the britax stroller and matching car seat ! Im so excited!

I dont really like any of the strollers ive seen (thats a nice way of saying they repulse me) but this one…this one I LIKE!

now on to the medical stuff:

I just had my glucose test the other day. my doctor said they will call me on monday if anything is wrong. I could be wrong but i think Im pretty healthy. So hopefully they wont call.

I also scheduled an ultrasound just so i could see my baby again but my mom doesnt think thats such a hot idea. she thinks too many ultrasounds might harm the baby. Ive had 4 so far. SO i guess ill just play it safe and wait until shes born.

Ive been taking my vitamins, herbs, minerals, and omega 3s religiously. I put them in these little baggies to make it easier to remember to take them. I recently added calcium and green zone capsules (a vegetable supplement.) so far i haven’t gotten sick and im feeling good!

Heres a pic from my 6 month photo shoot with my brothers and sister in law:

Cant wait to see whos cooking in there!

This is what i plan to wear when Im leaving the hospital after I deliver:

This is what i plan to wear 3 months after giving birth:

hopefully ill go back to my pre-pregnancy size sooner than expected:

 

Ill be breastfeeding, juicing, souping, eating vegan, taking my vitamins, using a body shaper, and exercising. So im pretty confident Ill be back in shape soon after my baby is born. I cant wait to be skinny again! I think thats what i miss the most ….other than that though, this pregnancy has been fairly easy and Im really thankful for that.

 

A Baby Shower???!! Oh No….

I know most pregnant women would be glad to receive gifts for their little bun in the oven.

me?

not so much. NO thank-you Joe.

Im the girl who ALWAYS makes a special order even at Burger King. All my friends have always laughed at me. They’ll order the number 3 with a coke. Ill order the number 5, no mayo, only lettuce and tomato,  well done–“could you season it well too please? thanks”, regular fries “but could you make sure their fresh? cause the last time they were super cold…*insert nice smile* and instead of the drink can I have a milk shake? Oh but could you make sure you dont put too much milk in it when your making it?–it takes away flavor and makes it a little watery. annnnnd I think thats all. *sweet smile *chiiiing ;D*”

So naturally when it comes to a baby shower…Im almost petrified of what ill receive. I mean call me Nut-so but I already googled everything I want for my baby.

SO get a gift registry you say.

I hear you. But its not like I want everything from just one store.

I would hate to get a baby bouncer in an ugly color for example. Or bottles Ill never use. Or the boppy in a print I dont like. Or the baby carrier that I could’ve gotten off craigslist for way cheaper. Or an ugly bath tub. Or an ugly car seat. I mean what will i say when they realize I returned their item and bought something cooler?

So I told my sister in law to tell everyone that I only want clothes and diapers and nothing more. I could say nothing and let people waste their money and smile and pretend I like it, and never use it. But Id rather they spend their money on something I will use.

Something I dont feel like buying is diapers and sleepers. mostly because theres nothing too exciting about those two things. Yet its the two things Ill need the most. I feel kind of guilty for suggesting that they buy the things I don’t feel like buying because maybe that takes away their enthusiasm to go baby shopping, but hey. I dont make the rules.

Alright so that didnt make sense but it sounded good. 

Here are the things I have already picked out to buy for my baby:

Crib:

 

Crib Mobile:

 

Lamp:

 

Co-Sleeper:

 

 

 

 

Infant Car Seat:

 

 

Wall decal above crib:

 

 

Bathtub:

 

 

Boppy:

 

 

Bottles:

 

Swing:

Breaking Up and Moving On

Work life: Great. I now work in an office directly with my boss and her little white Maltese named buttons (shes an ex show dog.) Im her assistant, and we do lien sales for vehicles and trucks. I really really like my new boss. After going through a million bosses, I can honestly say shes one of the few bosses everyone wishes they had.

Love life: negative. I am on my own commander. I finally realized my ex-fiance has some kind of mental illness. He loves me but every week something in his brain flips and he accuses me of things I didn’t do (usually flirting or cheating.) If his mind thinks it, he believes it–no proof needed. He’ll then say things he’ll later regret. I’ll cry, then he apologizes and tries to make up. I’ve told him before that if hes making things up just to get out of being a father, then he doesnt need to make anything up. he can just go. He got mad though, and said he’ll leave when he wants, but that its not what he wants. He honestly tortures himself with what people tell him about me, or what he simply imagines. He knows hes jealous, and has admitted it before. Sadly though, I dont think theres a solution. I wanted so bad to make it work, especially after finding out I was pregnant. I kept forgiving him. And crying. and forgiving him. Finally I realized…He has a problem. He needs help. I wish I could help him. I wish I knew what was wrong with him. All I know is that his thoughts control him, and he imagines things that didn’t happen and becomes verbally abusive. Sometimes physically. I know its better that I leave him for the safety of me and my baby.

I’m sad that I wont have the little family I pictured in my mind, but my mom reminds me that my baby will get a lot of love from my whole family, and that cheers me up. I have 6 brothers who will be great uncles to her 🙂

My growing baby: The one thing I look forward to every day is feeling her move. Its almost surreal to feel a little  person moving inside you–I am still not over it lol. Its just too cool! I went to my first doctors appointment a few days ago. They did a pap smear and drew blood. Well lets just say I will never let a woman do a pap smear on me again. I almost felt raped! She was so rough and didn’t talk through the whole procedure. Just WHam! BAm! Thank You MAam! worst experience ever. I shudder when I think about it.  At least the blood draw was just a pinch, and then I was on my way. My ultrasound is this Friday which I’m SUPER excited about. I just LOVE seeing my little Layla move around. anything she does amazes me. I love her so much.

My mom wants to come to my ultrasound on Friday, which I’m excited about. I know she’ll love seeing her first granddaughter on the screen. Knowing her, she’ll probably even tear up. memo to self: bring tissues.

On another note, Ill be 5 months pregnant in a few days! I mean WOW where did the time go? Jesus Christ, It almost scares me how fast this is all happening. I start panicking that I’m not ready. I need to learn how to breast feed, and how to meditate during labor—which is a 4 month class I believe –Not to mention read up on how to make your baby sleep through the night. Otherwise it’ll be like a train wreck waiting to happen

Heres a few pictures of the clothes I want to dress her in one day:

Im off to dream of the little girl Ill be holding in my arms soon.

The One Thing I Never Had

Did you ever want something really bad as a kid? I MEAN REALLY BAD. and you never got it…so then maybe you grew up and said to yourself, “Ill make sure my kid has what I didn’t.”

Life is different as a kid…for some reason, that popsicle or that toy is everything dreams are made of. You cant imagine a bigger happiness. Fireworks exploded in your eyes as a kid when you knew you were getting something you really wanted. For some reason as adults its harder to be that ecstatically happy even when we get what we want. Sure, we’re happy, but I bet you looked happier when your mom said she would get you the cereal box that came with the toy inside.

 

Its nice to see a child’s face so full of happiness with the simplest of things.

Well except now’a’days I’m sure they’re asking for things like Iphones, Ipads, Xbox 360, Nintendo DS, ect. Kids have gotten expensive…oh boy. I have no choice but to raise my kid in the boonies!! 

I mean seriously…otherwise she’ll never know what a real childhood is about. Its about adventure, freedom, somersaults, and fireflies. camping, climbing, playing, and underwater flips in the pool. The toy section in a big store, hopscotch and jumping rope. Sharing secrets with your best friend, rollerblading, bike riding, and going to sleep at night hopelessly happy after a warm bubble bath and a good bedtime story.

Sometimes though…theres still that ONE thing that you always wanted and never got.

For me, it was a dollhouse. God, how I wouldve died for a dollhouse. It wouldve been like hitting the jackpot for me as a kid. I wanted one sooooooo bad, but never dared to say a word.

We were middle class growing up. We lived in a cookie-cutter house in a nice quiet neighborhood, with more than  enough food in our fridge, and wore clothes from K-mart and Sears. My mom regularly bought me toys and dolls. I treasured each new doll I got. It seemed to make my mom happy to see how well I took care of my toys unlike my brothers who loved to break every new toy in a WWF wrestling match, or unscrew every thing apart just “to see what was inside.”

Still, I wasnt a spoiled brat. I couldnt get every toy or doll I wanted, unlike my “rich” best-friend. Her dad owned horses and they had a big pool in their backyard. Anytime a new barbie was out on commercials…Stacy already had it. I was glad she was my best friend though. She wasn’t stuck up, or mean. She was a nice girl with blonde hair and the slightest streak of freckles playing across the bridge of her nose. We would play “pony’s” and catch  butterfly’s together during recess. She always shared her snack bar money with me too (snack bar was open right before we got to go back to our classroom to watch a Disney movie on Friday’s.)

One of my fondest childhood memories is my dad surprising me with a new doll every so often when he would come home from work. I would light up with happiness unlike any other. He knew I loved dolls. When I was 10 he took me to Toys’R’Us because I had gotten good grades on my report card. He said I could pick out whatever I wanted. well…

I wanted a “boyfriend” for my barbie. 

He looked like he’d just realized his little girl wanted to date. He said NO. His face was a mixture of confusement and disgust. I looked at the handsome Ken Doll in the shiny box above me and pouted.

“Im sorry Barbie…I know youre lonely, but youll have a boyfriend soon, I promise,” I said to my barbie when I got home that night. I ran my hands down her long brown hair soothingly. I got the supermarket for barbie with a shopping cart and all the little canned food, as well as some new outfits for my barbies that day. My dad was surprised that was all I wanted. Really though, I wanted 5 Ken dolls for my barbies. But I knew there was no possibility in that happening. I would have to wait until my mom took me shopping. She would say yes, I was sure. After all, she knew the importance of having a man around!

Well I got the Ken dolls later.

However, I couldn’t bring myself to ask for was the dollhouse. In my mind it was too expensive to even think about asking for. I was a kid, and it just seemed outrageous to ask my parents for something above $100.  The thing is…my parents actually could’ve afforded it. When I grew up and told my mom about it, she just frowned and said, “I wish you would’ve told me how bad you wanted one as a kid. I would’ve bought you one.” GREAT. There’s something I wish I could go back in time and tell my dumb ten year old self.

Instead, I only dreamed. I would secretly go through my neighbors hallway closet and pull out her moms sewing book because in the front pages there was a big picture of a beautiful dollhouse and all its rooms majestically adorned. I would stare at that picture for as long as I could before I heard someone coming. For some reason I couldnt let anyone know how badly I wanted a dollhouse. It was my secret.

One summer, when I was around 10, my dad took me and my family into the Home Depot for a home purchase he needed to make. I walked around calmly without a care when suddenly, there they were before my eyes… the most beautiful Dollhouses sitting in a perfect row on display. My mouth slowly gaped in amazement as I walked up to them. There seemed to be glitter and stars floating around those dollhouses. It was such a magical moment for me.  They were no longer in a picture book or in my neighbors sewing book. They were real and I could put my hand up and touch them. Some had house lights that worked and some had porches. They were…perfect.

Then I looked down at the prices. They were all over $100. My heart dropped. No way would I ever get one of those, I thought. I heard my parents calling me and I quickly left the dollhouses to go catch up to them.

Two years passed by. I was 12, and almost a teenager, but I was as innocent as a lamb and I still played with my barbies. So did my friends. Times were different back then. One day we were helping the librarian in our school clean out her library. She was getting rid of a lot of toys she had on display and my friends were scoring a lot of cool things. I looked around for something to ask her for since she was being so generous. I saw a Dollhouse book on display on a top shelf. It was a really tall book that unfolded into a doll house. It looked almost new and I didn’t really think she wanted to get rid of it, but I took my chances anyway and asked her for it. She looked down at it, and thought about it for a moment, her oval glasses hanging at the tip of her nose. I bit my lower lip and looked up at her with my pleading brown eyes. I wanted it more than anything in the world and I think she saw that. There was a pause. Then she tilted her head to one side and said, “OK, you can have it. But take care of it.” I smiled so big and held on to that dollhouse book so tight. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. For a whole year after, I spent countless hours playing with it. I would carefully open it all around, tie the strings together to hold it open, and let my imagination take over as I took my dolls inside the different rooms. It wasn’t a wooden Dollhouse, but it was the only Dollhouse I had, and even if it was a few years too late, it made me happy in my last year of childhood.

I think back on how badly I had wanted a Dollhouse and I pray my little girl will be as girly as I was. I will surprise her with the most beautifulest Dollhouse shes ever seen. I will handcraft it myself and adorn every room with as much detail as a real house. It might take me a few years, but I want it to be perfect for her. Im so happy Im having a girl. If she ends up being a Tom-boy Ill just have to keep the dollhouse thing as a hobby and join her in her mud races and tree climbing. (But Im crossing my fingers she’ll be into dolls and tutus haha.)

Men check out pregnant chicks??!

So my fiance has been telling me that men still check out pregnant chicks. Sometimes hes a little jealous (in a cute way though.) He assumes guys are checking me out or trying to talk to me when hes not around. I usually laugh it off and tell him “*grunt* baby pleeeease. Aint nobody checking me out out with this pregnant belly! please. Youre funny.” and he’ll just half close his eyes, pucker his lips and say, “You’d be surprised…Theres alot of men out there who check out pregnant chicks.”

Uh-Huh. Yea right…FAT-CHANCE. Im lucky if I feel that i look ok sometimes, but I definately dont feel sexy or beautiful with this big stomach! “Baby the only way I think guys would still check me out is if i was wearing my tight jeans–which dont fit anymore!!–highheels and my hair down.” (those things usually made me feel sexy but I havent wore my hair down in a while and Id rather wear flats right now.) My fiance just nodded his head and rolled his eyes.  “I know girls in PAJAMAS who still get checked out because they have a pretty face.” I guess hes right, I thought. But I still didnt believe guys would check out a pregnant girl. 

This morning I went grocery shopping with my mom–did I tell you she has a great sense of humor? Oh we can laugh about anything… Mostly because were both pretty ditzy and we laugh at ourselfs. She’ll usually say, “That wouldve been good for a movie scene huh!?” LOL…. we do have our moments.

Anyway I was telling her about my fiances ‘crazy’ theory on guys checking out pregnant girls. “–I mean, mom, if i wasnt pregnant maybe It would be diffrent, but IM PREGNANT. He can rest easy hahaa! No ones gonna check me out!!” I nodded my head, and chuckled a little.

After grocery shopping with my mom, I ran a few errands on my on. Finnally at the end of the day I decided I needed to grab some dinner before heading home. I was so tired though and still felt pretty sick–my nose was stuffy and i felt like i wanted nothing more but to be in bed. Teleported if possible. I took a look in my rear view mirror before getting off my car and thought, UGH, I look hideous. Oh well. Being sick this morning made me not want to do much more than drag myself out of bed and throw a cap on to hide my bed-head. On top of that I was wearing my minnie mouse PJS and my green Ugg-style boots. “Yea I was sure making a fashion statement haha…” I noticed people staring at me at the grocery store but i figured it was because I looked so funky.

I dragged my feet into a restaurant that sells BBQ-everything. Once inside I looked through the one page menu on the front counter. A minute later an older man came up to the register, so I glanced up ready to give him my to-go order. “Ive never been here before–” I started, when he interrupted me. “Are you a Jersey boy?” He asked, catching me off guard. “Your hat says ‘Jersey boy'” He added with a flirtacious glint in his hazel eyes.

“Uh. no. Im definately a girl,” I replied.

“Or maybe you want a jersey boy…” He smiled.

“No thats ok…I got a Chicago boy so im good.”

He chatted with me a little more then went and brought me a plate of food to sample saying he liked having beautiful girls get hooked on his food so they could keep coming back. I smiled, flattered but confused. Did he say Beautiful girls reffering to me?? UH…nooooo. nope. uh-uh. no no. He wasnt talking about me. No way. not possible. 

I tried the samples on the plate and when he came back I was ready to order. As i opened my mouth to speak, he interupted me. “You have such beautiful eyes. I don’t know whats better…your long eye lashes or your eyebrows!” he said. I frowned. He must be crazy I thought.

No wait. LIGHTBULB! he doesnt know im pregnant because of the tall counter covering me! Im sure if he sees my big belly itll be a HUGE turn off, I thought.

and Just then he walked around the counter to the door and I made sure to rub my belly in front of him.

He walked right back to the counter and kept hitting on me.

WHAT?! @_@ how could this be?? I thought.

I placed my order and then looked around as i waited. The restaurant was empty except for me another older man waiting to order. A few minutes later the owner came back out to the front and looking at me he loudly exclaimed, “Isnt she beautiful?!” The older man waiting to order promptly replied, “Oh yes! She looks like a movie star! like she came out of a movie–She looks like J-lo!”

Ok. first there was ONE crazy man…now TWO??!

“OK…you guys are really sweet, but c’mon now.”

“No im not being sweet,” one of them said,”Im hardly ever sweet.”

Puzzled I just went up to the counter to get my food.

“I wonder what you look like when your all dressed up,” the owner said to me, “because right now you look good with just a cap on, but I wouldnt want to see you dressed up. Youd probably give me a heart attack!”

I nodded my head and sighed in confusion. Man…these men must need glasses or something.

“I know you must have a wife or something,” I said to the owner. He admitted he did.

“Well shes a fortunate woman,” I said trying to get him to say something nice about his wife.

“Well she’d be more fortunate if she had your eyes!” he smiled.

I wonder how married men can say things like that…I mean If I was his wife and I heard him say that I would slap his silly head.

Just as i was leaving the owner called out to me, “Whats your name?!”

After telling him my name, he smiled and said, “Alright well, please come back soon!”

Im not coming back again ever, I thought after leaving.

But I laughed as i remembered all the times I rolled my eyes when my fiance told me men still check out pregnant girls. SO maybe he was right…but im not gonna tell him haha.

Still though i find it bizarre. Why men check out pregnant women remains a mystery to me.

Two things I miss from before I was pregnant:

1. I miss having a flat stomach. God that made me feel sexy. Now i look down and see a huge boulder 😦 and it keeps growing!!! I mean how BIG will it get? It really scares me sometimes @_@

2. I miss lying down on my stomach. I cant do that anymore–Ill squish my poor baby! So I lie on my side which isnt as comfortable but hey! Im making a miracle here–some sacrifices have to be made =)

On another note, I start a new job on monday morning–Its a part time office job that my brother got for me today! Since its part time I know I wont be making much money but Im grateful for the job! Its something =) 

I know my fiance said he’ll take care of me, and my brother also tells me that if i need anything at all, all i have to do is ask. (My brother makes good money and tells me he feels good helping me out, but i cant help feeling so uncomfortable asking people for help!) Ive always liked feeling that I can pull my own weight. Of course I would love to stay home once the baby is born and that is what me and my fiance both want, but for now I feel good having a J-O-B.

I got home, made myself a cup of lemon and honey tea, and sipped it while watching “HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.” I love that movie. and currently I love my life.

I Got Fired From My Job

Yes. I was fired. My Boss sat there behind his big oak desk and said, “Im just gonna have to let you go!” With a cold empty look in his eyes.

Did i cry? Did i beg? Did i try to reason with him?

No of course not.

I shook my head agreeably as if we were having a normal conversation and calmly said, “I understand.” He probably assumed that inside i was thinking he was being unfair so he kept talking, explaining to me how my mistakes could have cost him his legal licence and whatnot. I just kept repeating myself more firmly, “-I understand.” I didn’t need his petty excuses. None of it made sense anyway.

So what got me fired? I cant say for sure, but a good part of me thinks its the fact that I’m pregnant.

I was called into my bosses office as soon as i arrived to work. He seemed very upset and demanded to know what happened with the client i had rescheduled. I mentioned that i rescheduled him because I could not get the information we needed for his criminal past. It was obvious that he didnt want to know the whys or hows, so I kept it short and simple. He then told me I had no right to reschedule anyone without his permission. I sat there confused because he knew I had done it a few days ago and waited until now to bring it up? I didnt say anything though. I knew that if I asked questions or tried to reason with him, it wouldnt get us anywhere. He was determined in letting me go and I could see it. There was no pity in his eyes. “After we had a month review and I told you what you needed to work on, and now you do this? Im just going to have to let you go!” He said matter-of-factly.

What was in the months review list?

1. always answer his calls–which he thought I ignored at one point, and became enraged, when really i had simply not heard his call coming in. with 3 lines ringing for me at the same time, trying to process a clients payment, and trying to hear myself over everyone elses loud voice was just pure mayhem that day.

2. tell someone I was leaving to lunch. apparently someone told our manager that I simply left without telling anyone I was going to lunch and as a result a client was left waiting for half and hour unattended. I was in disbelief because I’ve never left without telling someone I was going to lunch. I don’t know who lied to my manager…

The other two things were about improving my ability to multi-task and not keeping customers waiting on the line too long. I didn’t really know what they wanted from me. They would tell me the customers on the phone line didnt matter as much as the ones there for a consultation–I could call the other ones back later. Then they would tell me the opposite. I was misguided and uninformed. And It was almost impossible to take three diffrent calls, help two customers in person, process payments, translate for the boss, and write everything in the computer ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Sorry but thats not multi-tasking–thats called “YOURE CRAZY!”

At the end of that meeting, my boss had told me “he understood i was new and didn’t expect me to get it right away.” He smiled to reassure me, but I only thought about the times he had screamed at me. It didnt seem like he really understood. Still I was glad to hear the things I was doing right. He mentioned I was always on time, very friendly with customers and dressed very professionally.

After he fired me, I turned my keys in to my manager, got my things and left.

When I got home, I called my fiance’ (yes were back together.)

I cried and sobbed to him. “What am I gonna do now?? I have bills to pay and they come every month.” I felt so hopeless being pregnant. “Who’s going to hire me now? I’m showing! No ones going to hire me!” I cried. I sat on my bed like a six year old with tears streaming down my face.

My fiance’ comforted me and told me everything would be alright. “He would take care of me.” He was really supportive, listened to everything I had to say on the matter, and at the end when I said, “I dont know If I just have bad luck at work…or maybe Im just really dumb,” I sniffled. With a firm voice he responded, “NO. Youre not dumb. Dont say that. it has nothing to do with that.” He told me he had to catch a plane but he would be texting me throughout the day to check up on me.

And he did. I thought it was so sweet of him, to be checking on me, and offering me words of encouragement and hope.

After making him suffer last week, he came back ready to commit fully this time. He promised he would never bring up “the phone call” again (Ill choke him if he does.) He really thought he was losing me, and making him think that really made him appreciate me. Ever since then hes been way more affectionate towards me, in a way that hes never been before. Its as if Im his Goddess now and he worships me lol…When they ask you “what do you want? Ill give you anything you want!” You know youve got them pretty hooked.

We went out recently to his favorite taco place, and had a nice evening date. We held hands across the table and talked. Some where along the conversation he mentioned his “to-get list.” I frowned. “Whats a to-get list?” I asked.

“Oh, you know…things to get for the baby,” He said biting into a taco.

I smiled and stared at him. “I thought I was the only one who had made a list like that…” I said a little surprised.

“UH-UH.” He said shaking his head seriously.

I laughed a little. “Ok, so whats on your to-get list?” I asked out of curiosity.

He paused, his mind in obvious thinking-mode. “Well, first,” he said, “A good camera. Because were gonna need a good camera to take pictures of Layla.”

I smiled. He is so sweet.

“baby, but i have a camera…a good one,” I said.

“You do? what kind is it?” He asked.

“A Cannon. it takes really good pictures–I always get compliments on them.”

“Ok.” He said.

“What else is on your list?” I asked.

“Uhm…You know, like the crib and stuff, but also decorations for the nursery, like little lights and stars to hang up on the walls.” (hes a galaxy and planet lover–It may be a little on the nerdy side but I love the stars and galaxies too so we might be two nerds with one one little nerd on the way 🙂

It just melts my heart when I hear him talk like that. I mean HOW FRIKIN’ CUTE IS THAT?! A man that thinks about his unborn baby enough to not want to miss a moment so his first thought is of having a good camera, and he even thinks of the nursery decorations too?? I think its adorable. I dont know many other father-to-be’s that are that involved.

When we got back to his place he put his hand on my stomach for a long time, trying to feel the baby move, but I think she stops moving when she feels a hand on my stomach (Ive noticed that from when I do it too.) He even bent down and put his ear on my stomach. “Are you trying to hear my stomach digest??” I laughed. I love his enthusiasm though.

Unfortunately I had a runny nose, that turned into a cold, and I think I got my Fiance’ sick too. I felt sooooo bad especially because he really needs his voice. I texted him a couple of home remedies since he was already in NY the other day. poor thing. Well he texted back saying, “Hi beautiful! Thanks for the tips, I think Ill try them since I woke up feeling pretty bad today. I think I got sick because I travel so much though.”

WHaT?! hes not blaming me? I know I got him sick but it was really sweet of him to blame it on his traveling just to make me feel good. Hes so awesome 🙂 Then later he thanked me again for the tips, saying, “You really care about me dont you?”

“Of course 🙂 I love you.” I texted back. He said it was the nicest thing to know he was cared for. See? now he doesnt take any of my kindness for granted haha 😉 Its so much better seeing this side of him.

later that day I pulled my recovering self out of bed, to do a photo shoot for my brother, since Id promised him. Im not a certified photographer or anything, but it is a hobby of mine and I always get compliments from people, friends and family on the pictures i take. Im an artist at heart. I really love photography. My mom and my fiance’ keep telling me I should pursue it.

Anyway the photo shoot was a lot of fun–I did it for my brother and his friends senior pictures. We shot them up in a historic park with great scenery. I thought it was so cute how my brothers friend thought I was really a pro. I haven’t gone to school for photography so I cant call myself a “Pro” but I follow basic principles: I pack everything, from camera, batteries, extra batteries, snacks, water and make-up (yes make-up for guys too) and I am on time.  I pose them, and give them feedback as I take pictures like, “Yes, thats good, that looks really good, perfect. Thats a great picture right there.” Im really passionate about it. I know about lighting, shutter speeds, angles and how to edit pictures afterwards for  optimal appearance. Thats one reason my little brother wanted to go with me instead of a proffesional studio–He knows I can edit the pictures nicely. After the photo shoot was over, my brothers friend was looking at the pictures I took on my camera and exclaimed, “Wow, youre really good!” and of course…thats music to my ears.

…Its always nice to know youre good at something 🙂 !

Later that night, I was in front of my lovely computer editing the pictures and I thought, “Why not listen to some music and make it more fun?” So I put on my headphones and YouTubed some oldies. Layla had been very still all night. But the moment I started singing along to the everly brothers “all i have to do is dream” she started moving and moving! I thought it was so funny. After that song I heard some disney classics and she didnt move too much anymore. Then this morning, just for kicks, I started singing the song by the everly brothers again and suddenly she starts moving! She must really like that song haha…My fiance loves music and so do I, so it doesnt really surprise me that we might have a little musician in the making, but i think its cute that she already has music preferences! Oh my little Layla…

Unwanted Orgasms

I put myself on “pelvic rest” (no sex) just to be safe recently, and I think Ill continue until the baby is born. HEY. I am protecting this childs life. Im on a mission here ok?? not one thats very pleasing to my fiance im sure, but he doesnt know Im also holding out until he gives me everything i want…marriage that will happen sooner than the year 3000, a ring, flowers, an apology, tears and down on his knees. Hes been bad recently, and bad boys dont get the “cookie.” *mother from the 50’s shaking finger* no, no, no.

I still have fantasies of him but he doesnt know it. Im thinking every time I start to have a fantasy of him I have to think of rainbows and unicorns with blue care bears floating on clouds (something really un-sexual), because thinking of him before bed does not help.

Last night I had such a crazy wild dream. I mean….MYGOD…did I have a great Orgasm in my dream—mind blowing. Angels singing.

THEN I WOKE UP. and i freeeeeaked out! I mean OMG!!! i am on pelvic rest! what if my orgasmic dream hurt my baby in some way??? I swear I was freaked out thinking about it for 5 minutes before I gained full consciousness. I know I must sound like I sniffed a can of glue, but I kept wondering if my dream made me have an orgasm in real life while i slept, the way you sometimes cry in a dream and are really crying when you wake up (or the worser one–where you dream you go to the restroom and you pee yourself in bed. hasnt happened to me, but Im just sayin‘…) Im scared of bringing on any contractions and its known that orgasms stimulate uterus contractions.

So THATS IT. no more fantasizing about my hot “fiance” until he shows me in actions how much I mean to him. guys like to play games sometimes but they’re not the ones with the cookie lol….and as Megan Fox once said, “Women hold the power because were the ones with the vaginas.” damn skippee Megan! (By the way shes Preggers too!)

As the saying goes…nobody buys the cow if they can get the milk for free. 😉

I’m charging a hefty price honey! Time to pay me some gratitude by the truck load!